Shadow Soul

Travel Light

2011-03-21T03:50:00.002+08:00

What we are about to undertake is an expedition together, and a journey into the most secret recesses of our consciousness. And for such an adventure we must travel light, we cannot burden ourselves with opinions, prejudices, conclusions that is, with all the baggage that we have collected over the past 2000 years or more. Forget everything you know about yourself, forget everything you have thought about yourself; we are going to set off as if we know nothing. —Krishnamurti

Childwoman Redux

2010-09-07T01:17:00.004+08:00

I remember this entry: Childwoman (opens in new window) five years ago, me, celebrating my paltry idea of womanhood. I have come a irreparably long way from the person I was five (or a year even) years ago, farther than how long north stretches out from south. Can't help but smile at the honest ignorance of the person who wrote and thought of this journal entry (hey that was me!) I bring myself to this point, now, this is where I am now =)

For I am the first and the last
I am the venerated and the despised
I am the prostitute and the saint
I am the wife and the virgin
I am the mother and the daughter
I am the arms of my mother
I am the barren and my children are many
I am the married woman and the spinster
I am the woman who gives birth and she who never procreated
I am the consolation for the pain of birth
I am the wife and the husband
And it was my man who created me
I am the mother of my father
I am the sister of my husband
And he is my rejected son
Always respect me
For I am the shameful and the magnificent one
~ Hymn to Isis

If I'm looking for true love, I first have to get the mediocre love out of my systems..But if I don't think about love, I will be nothing. - Maria, Eleven Minutes

Sounds hippie jippie, but nothing is more true than this, after everything and now that the storm is still raging, all we need is Love. I make a sacred vow to myself, only this:

~Wherever I go, however life takes me, I will take nothing but true, pure, real eternal love in full, reckless abandon, true love in total absolute surrender, nothing less. All or nothing, I will no longer bring to myself and to anyone selfish, earthly, human love which is more of a business exchange than love.

~I vow uncompromising, untainted truth to myself. I will never lie to myself. Somos un espejo, ese es la verdad. Nothing else. just like a mirror.

This two things is what my almost a year of silence has brought. Less words, more memories. All are beautiful, happy or painful, all things are beautiful. Now make way for my wings, I will fly high =)

YOU, you are the cornerstone to everything, you know how my life came to life because of you, thank you, forever I thank you, now you too, fly high, you're free, walk without feet, look up the sun.

Ablazed

2009-11-26T17:11:00.003+08:00

When all your lies become your truths, they burn..so consumed by the heat, the heat becoming a flame, the flame becoming a bonfire, the bonfire becoming an inferno. An inferno. I knew. I wanted this. I enter the gate of your hell and I burn.

Old old lone wolf said lust lies caution, caution my daughter watch your step be very weary. Must be, caution, composure is the ability to hold back your spit ,your fists,your tears and your cum this bloodlust,keep your hands up and your chin down these are the things that wait for you this stillness pregnant with fangs this is my birthright- this silence, this comedy, this romance, this horror. When I was made, I wasn't thought of with a dick when I feel like spitting on someone else's face when I feel like I want to fuck some random guy or fucking up the face of some bitch whatever aggrieves me, it will pass laugh about it afterwards people are fuckers (that's how they multiply). Keep my hands up, chin down, composure.

gotta mask the gasps,
gotta plug the gaps
gotta hide my tracks
gotta pull off these tricks
else it would never have been
cause the other hand plunged into a place
where very few people plunge their hands into.
dont take yourself too seriously
when you fear few,you cradle the tension
and let it simmer in the cool of your tongue,
slaking the thirst that is wired to a
movement of you and your body towards the next step
of a never ending procession

Inferno. I still burn.

Eternal Kismet

2009-11-25T17:45:00.007+08:00

Cosmic Collision is you and me

You make my life a waking dream everyday every day, a dream a day I dream of that place to go away a getaway I wanna get away with you away from it all, with you, together to destination unknown my only compass is my constant aching longing love for you
in mad reckless abandon no rules no arrows its nothingness makes everything certain I have no manual on this I encounter you only once, all it takes is once, in this lifetime and I am overwhelmed by the wave of love i just flow with it only to hit the shores and come crashing back to you.

This is the rhythm of my life my world collides with your world mine dissolves till I take part of you. You consume me too much every life in me you take so easily I just died again like you've never been so raw and intense to any man before, your whole life in autopilot while he stole your mind your heart and you drown before it catches you back to find out you are soaked with love so intensely with too much passion.

Dazed you are dazed like drugged you're a wave of drug I am deeply addicted you have no choice but to just let it take you away away far away to an invisible place like you can fade into the night you believe every word he says and you are swept away by him you you incorrigible presence of a soulmate you permeate through my every sense down to my very core you and I collide in an impact so drastically wedged in my mind my heart my heart my weary heart that went out against the whole world for you I crash into your arms again and again like a melody in infinite repeat a world of ambivalence and detest can hit me and it won't move me it all went down to every single word you breathe out of your gentle mouth and if you just say the word there is not a force in this universe that can stop me the universe made this happen the universe conspired for me to appear in your life, then explosion, then fireworks.

My very own desiderata. One shot, one kill. I am yours to no end, Ad infinitum...

SABADO NEGRA

Mad, guiltless, shameless...I'm going to relish it and it will last, oh baby it will scar...

Saturday night driven by some radom cab driver to home from God knows where we went, cigarette dangling from your lips, camera obscura blasting on the stereo
it's our own version of black saturday Jesus is dead today there is nobody on the road not even on christmas eve if it is this still and you know you just had to get on the high road it is not a road you pass by very often
it costs to get up there.

Not too many reasons to climb that ramp tonight yet you chose to steer towards that direction, something thrums deep within the engine towards...

It costs high to elevate you above all the other men and those awful nameless faces slinking along that highway of my mind doing their best to miss each other to blink out their image from the mirror,and what for, nothing more than to get to bed faster than everyone else its a race, I want none of that tonight, I pay the cost to take you higher, a few moments of abject selfishness on an empty road

A value meal a drink or a pack of cigarettes, not even sure if the cost of owning you is far more than what my frailty can afford, just to get up here
you just had to...you'd pay that much for a stretch of road thats all yours, all ours, few moments of exclusivity

exquisite while you believe it
the road is empty the entire road is yours
you turn up the volume not driving any faster

Steady and staring out the window sexing the silence ;
nothing else flatters a woman, nothing empowers a girl chewing plots and plans, you casting nets into the future what it draws in no one knows,
sentiments amplified by song, driving down an empty road with him she really cant afford.

The onrush of a conquering force is like the bursting of pent-up waters into a chasm a thousand fathoms deep.

ChildWoman

2009-11-18T15:55:00.003+08:00

Imagine a woman in love with herself,

who believes it is right and good she is a woman,

who has walked through her past and who has healed into the present moment,

who celebrates her body’s rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource,

who allows the feelings to pass through her as gracefully as a breath,

who trusts her experience of the world and expresses it,

who follows her creative impulses, who designs a personal spirituality to inform her daily life,

A woman who has descended into her own inner life; who is grateful for the ordinary moments of beauty and grace,

who authors her own life,
who chooses friends and lovers with the capacity to respect her solitude,
who sits in circles of women;

who makes a powerful statement with every word she speaks, every action she takes; who asserts to herself the right to reorder the world.

Imagine a woman who has vowed faithfulness to her own life and capacities; who remains loyal to herself; regardless. Now imagine yourself as this woman.
....

I AM who I am. Becoming more and more the woman the universe intends me to be, one step at a time, one lifetime at a time =) Om shanti shanti shanti, peace and light to myself, my fellow human species, and to the collective universe, from the young to The Ancient Ones, to my Great Ancestors, the Old Great Mother, to The Great Horned God, to the spirit of the forests, to the pulse of mother earth, to the Soul of the World, Anima Mundi. Peace and light to the primordial worlds, to the watchtowers and guardians of the four winds, to Hecate, Demeter, Diana, Cerredwen, to Om, Pan, Thor, Hel, Cernnunos, To the Celtics and Druids up north, to the Myans from the South, to my great Babaylan ancestors from the West of the region, to the legacy and unending, albeit dark and hidden Wisdom of my green witch grandmother who never stopped looking after me through her rose-colored quartz who foreseen my birth a decade before I actually came to life, thank you, I will honor you for as long as I live, together with your Ancient practice and hearthen tradition of the Moon, to my divine source, to the source of the same cosmos where everything moves with and through love. Every time The Great Sun God returns to the exact same place at the moment of my birth, I remember my history, I remember where I came from, I remember my origin all recorded in my old memory and my DNA. All I need is within me. May all beings in this universe be liberated. This is my only wish.

'Uni', one, unity, and 'verse', song and hymn, a collective unity of all consciousness that sings as one, the universe. The melody can be heard only by those who take the time to listen. Universe, may you be heard by those born in this generation. This is my only wish as I turn to my 27th Saturn and Solar Return.

Cloaked in the Shadow

2009-11-12T13:43:00.002+08:00

On a long, thick night..fleeting side by side below the atrocious storm, wind violent water heavy, angry like the fierce passion wedged between your naked body..there, then, I tiptoed beyond the hairline divide..

Between smoke and fiction, there lies the abyss of truth, into which I consistently fall, where each scene appears true, pure, no intervention, and yet in falling, I have already intervened.

A moment, defined precisely by the violence with which it is displaced from its stadium, by the violence without which a moment is not a moment.

Something silky, excellent food, gelato scoops, snobby art films, beautiful and neverending conversations, and an infinite repeat of ambient music..weekend taken out of the carousel of the ordinary, photographed within the prisms of memory.

Tender, melancholic, sensual, I lovingly trace every contour of your face and I will remember them deeper than the the breasts of motionless current.
I'm not telling you what happened. But these things are true. Because my memory photographed it, unstaged, unaltered.

Thoughts (Or lack of any lol)

The business of my happiness is critical and private. My privacy is extremely sacred. And my discernment in recognising whoever crosses the line to invade these two is intensely acute.

-The first experience with a coffee is its smell, designed by universal law to stimulate from the very outer sense. I don't like lids, I am disinclined even in future occasions to place caps and lids, the old way is the best, poured delicately in a glazed ceramic cup.

-Sustaining your self gives self worth, living on your own, paying for your space you call your own home, providing for your self, feeding your self, moving and denying and accepting and rejecting and erring and correcting emotionally free, autonomous, and detached from any other human being (even, or rather, especially, from one's parents) dignifies you.

-Whether you like it or not, what other people think of me is truly none of my business, to each his own. If it's any good, that's bonus, my REAL business is what what & how I think of myself.

-Class is a non-renewable asset, you cannot earn or learn this from educating yourself in the most elite of universities, neither can it be inherited from your parents as it doesn't come as a package within your trust fund. Real class comes from your sense of valuing, taking root from dignity, total grace that come from the elegance in feeling and living this earth life, that is THE genuine article of class. Money is related to class only in the minds of people who have too much of the former, too little of the latter or none of either.

-To move armed only with rogue information is akin to turning to a bend half blind. You won't know what will hit you.

-The younger (cmon no violent reaction lol!) I get the more I am in love with India. I met a new friend named Lynne in a resto's anniversary (owned by a friend of my bestfriend so sketchy na haha). She went to India and I drool over her photographs! When I get there I will be a royal bum and further learn Ashtanga Vinyasa yoga in Mysore, go to thoroughfares (esquinita) and smell the spices, have my face painted and do Vipassana meditation by the Ganger rives and not have a care in the world! Before I turn 30!

-The business of my happiness is critical and private. My privacy is extremely sacred. And my discernment in recognising whoever crosses the line to invade these two is intensely acute.

-Saturn return, Saturn return, did not really fully understand this until I am nearing it, and I have my yoga mentor, astrology teacher and friend admonish me, this is what Saturn return is about, starting from scratch, clearing the way so I have a new slate.

-I am slowly becoming a regular in Chiqui Mabanta's Corner Tree Cafe. I have tried almost all the vegetarian restos here in Manila but I've yet to try one as inventive as CTC's in reinventing vegetarian food! Had a little chat with Chiqui and she said she wanted to keep adding more surprises, putting in more treats in their menu. Wee! It's like veggie paradise, and I have a fellow veggie foodie who willingly volunteers to be suckered into CTC every single time, which makes every dining there more heavenly.

-I also have a thing lately with French cuisine. I admit I have an untrained tastebud when it comes to French dining, but with all the restos I've tried, I think I am getting there. So far I love how Seabass is prepared, the French way, and how mild the flavors are, no exaggeration, patient, layered, moment after moment flavor revealing itself, quietly elegant, so French.

- I got another invite for beginner's Ashtanga workshop from my studio Yogamanila, but I've attended that already, and I am practicing Ashtanga now. Thing is, I need a real push, take me to next level so by next year I promise to consistently attend one slow flow class and one Mysore class (Hello Ms. Kitty Arambulo!), then self practice, in a week. I hope YM offers an intermediate Ashtanga workshop for Ashtangis like me who are caught in the middle lol.

-The next time Collete Lim comes here offering cooking lessons, I hope I can afford her. The next time Scott comes here for Ashtanga workshop, I hope I am prepared physically.

-I am SOOOO ADDICTED to chocolates!!! Not the milk ones, the pure, dark, unadulterated, totally sinful virgin chocolates brewed from Chocolate wine. Ive gone to Xocolat a zillion times to sin over and over again with their Mexican chocs!!! It gained me 2 lbs though lol. I dream of chocolates I dream of putting mocha bars in my coffee I dream of over melting more choc bars than butter in making ganache I LOVE chocolates!!

-Will experience my 2*th solar return (birthday) near. The same ritual. Hehe. You know who you are people, I will call you. Let me see my family first and report to them that I am still alive and 15 lbs over my ideal weight haha.

Don't you think my laziness to text and type is a sign of aging? Seriously I rather phone people. I am so lazyyyyyyy.

Stormy

2009-11-03T17:28:00.001+08:00

Halloween violent storm bourbon whiskey E.T. cream shots cigs and smokes midnight black army coat drunken stupor blood and sweat dripping arugula in candied walnut potions aromatic oils slinky robes becoming heavy and heavier, heavy a day thick nights heavy pain turns unbearable I ride in pain. Everything turned beautiful and curiously calm.

She's done, maybe. she's so over. The moment your weekend trysts consumes you down to the core sleepwalk down to shady clandestine Saturdays in hiding too much shadow it drives you to drink manly scotch and bourbon as you watch yourself leave anything on the bedsheets you get to pick your own hair and fear spraying your own perfume like dear life holds on to it before the entire mansion he calls his smells like you down to the dusty frame.

And you didn't think you'd see the day, yeah, maybe, you know you just had it. You're so over. The drugged happy thirteen going on fourteen feeling raised like you would raise your stake and place your highest bet on his table - your entire self.

Then I saw you again in that foggy dream.

I did agree with Milan Kundera when he said be very careful with metaphors, metaphors can be dangerous, it can give birth to love, didn't I????? Shit.

Stay on the line that hairline divide that thin thin line shit can't find the line don't know where the fucking line is drawn shit too late fell off the stupid line I can't see and find as if it refuses to be seen gone it's too late.

Right. I am so over.

Smoke, Fog, and a Heavy, Thick Night

2009-10-25T17:16:00.000+08:00

Moment that could be recorded in twenty minute tape but took a lifetime to think about; my very own desiderata, one shot, one kill. To be nailed to a metaphor is to be nailed to the wind, that wind is a cross, is a curse, is a vehicle. He will love you in passing you will love him unconditionally.

My life, then, two bodies later, it was me and another pilgrim, encircled by people and pregnant silence. In the whorehouse of his heart, maybe the whores are not whores, they are ladies in waiting. They smile with poison tipped daggers behind their back and more importantly in their minds.

Sorry, I am the sort of woman who will carry drunken bodies up never ending staircases. Faintly I remember the taste, the anticipation of twelve going on thirteen in my mind. I'm feeling vulnerable, scared and uncertain but that's never stopped me before.

We are eternal, you are a part of me. I loved you from way back, I love you even before you were born. Had you been once part of me? Can I hope against hope that you, who knows so much about the dark night, contains a little of the person I have once been?

Certainty can be poisonous, certain that she knows everything anyway and forgave him because he is her great love, and great love is above the things of this world. That only there in his arms could she close her eyes and sleep like a child. Certainty will kill.

Love comes when manipulation stops, when you dare to reveal yourself fully, when you dare to be vulnerable.

I come near full circle, to where I begin, to the noise of silence. Dead, pregnant silence, yet, the intimacy it gives...it still has the loudest voice.

The Noise of Silence

2009-08-20T16:14:00.002+08:00

It is silence that gives us both intimacy. We hardly know where to situate this silence... but we know it has the loudest voice.

This, my love, this, whatever this is, it is enough. I have to take a backseat, and everything..all that I have for you, I take with me to the backseat. I will love you until I take my last breath, you, and him. And yet, I'll give you up if this is the only way to make you happy. Hold my hand. Goodnight. Goodbye. Let go. You are free now.

Shattered Glass

2009-08-04T14:16:00.001+08:00

The full moon's intrepid beam fell on my window, casting a faint light towards my direction, as I sat, in all that's left, with all that pain, sadness, and love hasn't drained yet, I sat in the cold, alone in my living room, at 2 O'clock in the very early morning,in too much pain, waiting, in all lost hopes and burden, sadness wrapped around me, with a heartache too unbearable, I sat still, waiting, still waiting, waiting aimlessly, waiting for something that might not happen, for something that I fear so much would happen, for that unspoken truth to find its quiet, violent, passionate, fiery way into him, maybe, waiting for him, for us, to happen.

For all the tears spent, sleepless nights, those little things and favors, sweat, blood, and tears I gave up in deep secrecy, in profound silence, I lay them all for you, without conditions, without hopes of return so that in my solitude I find my own peace with the thought of giving up everything, giving it all, surrendering all that I have and all that I am, for this love I have for you.

I am left with few choices, and yet I still choose you, I rocked my mind goodbye and allow my heart to be free, to yield without holding back as I used to, I let my heart run wild and do the only thing it knows, to go after you in total, reckless abandon. I let water run for too long I can't even remember when it all began, until my eyes have no tears to shed now, what's left is the searing, agonizing pain anchored down to my core.

I sit here, still, waiting. They say we must live each day like it's your last. I love you in a kind of love that crushed my borders. I love you, this love, that it raised the stakes higher than what I can take, and I place my highest bet on your table - my heart.

I love you, and this is my best act. Your stage. I am yours. May it find its way to you.

Undulattice

2009-04-20T16:54:00.004+08:00

Shushumna

Some of the people we will meet are better talkers than doers, or so they seem through the course of their actions, who knows, the best we can do is observe, judging is outside of our business.

To run hammock through crook and conclusion armed only with rogue knowledge is akin to jumping off the cliff on a blindfold, you never land on your feet. Yet sometimes, based on SOUND sense and with the nature of the situation, it is best to keep truths in the shadow, for the mean time. Allow the natural rhythm of time to make the person face things that are called to be faced, and with no, or very little effort, truth will rear its beautiful head, cleansing situations, intentions, motives, heart, putting everything into question, finally into conclusion.

I know there is a hairline divide between sheer honesty and self-aggrandisement, we all know it coming from something deep, primordial part of our selves. They differ in motive, you can sense the warmth and altruism of integrity and the noxious, clamoring, claw digging smoke of braggadocio, there's always a bitter aftertaste with the ego. The key is not to be a lipserving mouthspill, find wisdom in discernment.

And yet to the uninformed, "non-wisened" (or both), things appear differently, tainted with biases and personal though habits, oh well, the view is always different from a rose-colored glass.

Then some hold on like dear life to these tainted view, this obscured, colored perception, clinging for this is the only reality they know.

Some choose to see things for what they really are, and take the clear, transparent, top view.

They also choose to be still. Silent. Like a quiet wave of a tamed mind.

---

Pulsating in Life

Thanks to my teacher/astrologer, who lend me her Moon Time book, I was able to count for my biorhythms. It was so consistent and accurate with Lunar cycles, astrological symbol systems, and with my own birth details. I'm taken away.

No, this is not a technical user manual of living, I counted it to observe and pay attention to my own personal rhythms in life, and how I resonate with these information and truths passed on from many generations. I'll see. I always see, in my own perfect time :-)

Purification, Light and Warmth

2009-02-14T09:47:00.002+08:00

What is mass-marketed now as Valentines, which I never never celebrate, is a time of self dedication, just as the Great Mother's recovery after giving birth to god, I enter my first glimpse of the spring. Right after the shake and storm of the two major eclipses, the visit of Luna to Aquarian girth, I welcome imbolc and start anew, cleaning the inner space, changing within in order make way for a new clean slate, and throw the changes without.

The eternal rhythm of life, Nature in its unending pulse awakens us, urging us to wake up from the slumber of winter, and get ready to bask in the fruits of our labor, plans, desires, and while spring Equinox is still to be experienced, we slowly return to the consciousness of spring. I'm still drowsy from the long sleep.

In fact, too drowsy the first physical poke is enough to send me tipping off my grounding. I remember the beauty of rootedness, I must go back to that. On the contrary to what modernity has preached and ingrained into us people living in the city, you need not obsess about working hard to make it in life, the universe will support me to live my life in ease and grace, as I have removed the blindfold and see a clear picture how my short life can sing in unison with the cosmos.

'Uni', one, unity, and 'verse', song and hymn, a collective unity of all consciousness that sings as one, the universe. The melody can be heard only by those who take the time to listen, the reality behind this obscure illusion of living is palpable only to those who wishes to experience it. Imbolc has passed, the slumber is over.

March begins The Vernal (or Spring) Equinox, just as April is World Earth Month, March is the anticipation to the coming Vernal Equinox, equal day and night, Oestara it is. I pass from one time to another, and yet none of both for I am between one time and another. At the same time, Sun passes through Pisces, the sign marked as the cradle before consciousness and destination after the height of consciousness, beautiful Pisces, either before or after the archetypal evolvement of the soul, the sign is still "out of this world", as Oestara has symbolised in my life, the rite of passage in between seasons and tides.

May the cosmos lead me to the decisions that flow and not contradict my natural rhythm in life, enter these points of journey with grace, pause and enjoy the journey, and in its time, release everything so I may ascend to the next. I need painstaking work in releasing and letting go, but I also know the gates to the self have opened, the veil was drawn, and now I can begin the best journey I will ever take. In overwhelming light and Shanti. Now I can say that during parting, as I bid someone light and love, this time, I mean it from my heart.

~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~

After several days of declaring virtual sabbatical, I decided to finally go online and check my social networking accounts in between breaks. A good and close friend of mine way back from high school, whom I haven't seen for almost a year now because he's too busy being an entrepreneur and I'm too busy being me, commented on my recent photographs, saying I do look incredibly good now, way better than i've ever been in the past decade.

Well I say it must be the significant weight loss and the golden mocha haircolor made him say that. What he can't explain is why, despite that the features and skin color remain the same, save the weightloss, what really makes someone appear beautiful.

I couldn't tell my friend I am more beautiful because of how my life is altered at an unexpected turn, so fast. Physical appearance really is genetically determined, but the impression one's physical appearance makes on people are driven by the quality of heart, the inner state of soul (not the mind), and the radiant flow of balanced energy so attuned to Mother Nature and the cosmos, that's what makes a person appear beautiful on the outside.

I don't know how to explain to my friend everthing that has happened to me the past year, how I am pre-figured to be the person I want to be, how I've flung the gates to the self open and how I'm defining my lifestyle to attune and integrate to the reality of my spirituality, but I guess I need not to, for how I look now says everything I cannot say. ;-p

Home, Heart and Hearth: Honoring the lunar side of the self.

2009-01-25T23:28:00.002+08:00

Nobody has ever been available, or is known to me within my inner, outer, and far-flung circle, to show me the lunar salutation. Until David came, who taught me that the best meditative lunar salutation is that which is of organic movement, flowing, natural, following your own steady pace and rhythm, it is not some methodical systematic series of movement, that is not lunar, that is exercise. He didn't really 'teach' me any posture or move, just as my first expectations had been. That was the BEST lunar salutation or lunar ritual I made in my years of being a student of Wicca. I almost cried aligning and rejoicing to the entry of the new moon eclipsing in Aquarius. I was so overwhelmed with love, just flowing and thanking the Great Mother, the feminine aspect of me, the forefathers before me who had brought upon me this regenerating practice, and this beautiful beautiful journey I am taking.

Culminating the Aquarian New moon eclipse, I was given a vision that seemed obscure at first, cryptic, foggy, illusory, and painful. I reel back in pain up to this day during my times of being me. I remember Chiron, the wounded healer, healing through suffering, and I embrace her presence as I go through the lesson of this lunar tide, I knew something is bound to change unexpectedly, just as what Solar eclipses are known for. I have been anticipating the arrival of this lunar new year since I printed my astrological calendar.

Curtain's Drawn

2009-01-21T10:49:00.001+08:00

The distaste or rather, the absence, of social and public energy is simply an understatement. If one can see through using one's invisible eye, one can almost see the veil I've been hovering the line of my life's axis, creating a vast divide between my public dimension, my personality - the out most expression of the inner self, and the personal, private, internal, respect.

Maybe tons of social acquaintances and friends have been wondering where on earth (or otherworld to be exact) I've been these days. I'm disinclined to entertain, more so, answer probes concerning me. Bet this "trend" will last for three and a half more years.

There is natural rhythm in life, this eternal pulse keeps us beating and living our entire lifetime, and it is by this natural impulse I live and flow, knowing the right moment to push, and when to back out, when to express, to individuate, and when to remain receptive and just experience things as they are. Receptive and react, experience and receive, is most definitely not synonymous to passivity. Passivity and aggression are both out of control, and one that is either of the two are not in control of her/his life.
expression and experiencing, I like the rhythm, the exchange of the two, creating beautiful curves and bends in life. Total consciousness, and maybe the path to astrological and psychic yoga, mostly requires a moment of expression of individuality and a moment of receptiveness and experiencing the world where one finds her/himself in. Equanimity truly is an art.

I am one with the events of my life, the subject-object division is illusion and relative, to serve only the purpose of accurately relating consciously to the world, yet there is no absolute divide, the experience is one with the experiencer, I create, predispose myself, or attract these events in my life. In this crazy trip, wherever I am now, I am aware that this is a time to remain receptive, fold myself away from the public, experience fully, drink the breathe of life, and simply...observe. No judgment, just observe, acutely aware, but no judgment, detached, separate, observing.

Something's brewing in my home sector. and this is about to culminate during the tail of my Saturn return. I can't discern if it is a mere Jupiterian transit to my home sector, or if there are major aspects happening in my 4th house that involves more than Jupiter. I need further study. (Actually, I think I need another session with my teacher/astrologer).

David, who taught me in my last yoga class because he took over Jen, my teacher who is out of the country, gave me fresh insights on how to gracefully practice through vinyasa flow.

Rennaisance

2009-01-21T10:46:00.000+08:00

Some things, memories, ideas, plans, people, emotions, are just stellar baggages, they need to be let go, so surrender.

Hatred is a mirror of ignorance. Ignorance leads to proud acclaim, which is a mirror of ego. Why waste time?

Obsession is not mastery, be your best self, but know the limits of your being.

Nope, contrary to the idea invented by this "progressed" society, the future is not bleak and vague. There is certainty in the future, certain that in the future, I will still be here climbing the road to self mastery, aware, conscious, aligned.

Tremendous discipline and self determination. Playing this game, and taking one's self out of the game when it's over. No rush, no worries. As above, so is below. What inner energy radiates, is projected outside, in the public self of a person. This is the life force, the vitality circling from one's core outward. The chaos, or so it seems, are the inventions of self-made drama, nothing on earth is chaotic, every thing, life itself, is in harmonious order, causes and effects. May all inner light spiral outward, physically projected, to kindred souls and strangers.

Waxing Meditative

2008-12-22T16:02:00.002+08:00

I am about to enter the Saturn return, the first one. Curtains are now down. Walking towards the center, walking inward, unity with the highest, inner self, and to allow the self to project the union, the light, out, walking outward, and effect light and equanimity into the outer self and into the universe.

Unless you are a member of my inner circle (there are only five), you are not to question me, how I spend my time, and demand explanation from me (Not that I'll give one, but hey, what do you know). And by question, I do not just mean literal questioning and those "I'm concerned that..", "I worry..", "I'm concerned that you are getting/becoming more... these days" subtle snides, I also mean the silent and unspoken questioning. I KNOW, trust me, I pick up easily all those quiet emotional undercurrents that resonate around and they sound like bass from a pumped up sound system to me. I make constant changes in my life because my life moves swiftly, If you don't understand it, at least respect it, and if you still can't, tough.

The path I choose to follow is the hardest anyone could possibly have...
I understand THAT people do not understand...

I am making so many changes now, I've altered my life, and hopefully, those lives I touch, for the better. As respect to people, I never urge them to understand or preach about my personal systems; this is a non-negotiable stand: Personal systems (like religion) MUST remain at home where they belong, and not talked about in public. NEVER prosletyze to others. People need to embrace and accept diversity. I expect the same. If you're a friend, and I like you, you don't need to explain your self, I get it, and I make sure I dont emotionally complicate people.

The path I choose to follow is the hardest anyone could possibly have, for it requires a check and scrutiny of life every single act and moment, it requires tremendous discipline, the alignment of oneself to the cosmos's natural rhythm, the celebration and developed practice for the lunar rituals, meditative disciplines, even when one is tired and stressed from the daily pounce of work, it is the daily struggle and resistance to reject the offspring of the ego in practical, daily basis despite the instinctive, reactive ego-inclined natures of being human, the conscientious sharing and creating of light to people one comes into contact with, the climb towards unity with the inner self, the great journey, and self mastery. This is the path not many will understand. Consciousness does not come to most in a few lifetimes, each one his/her natural rhythm. So I understand THAT people do not understand, this is what I choose, I do not make decisions then go around looking for reasons to justify them. These are my choices, because this is my will, and that's just that, full stop. Ask if you must, and I will share with you with an open heart, but do not question.

CAT Tales on a Holiday

2008-12-19T13:53:00.002+08:00

It was quite a scene last saturday in the Vet clinic. My boys Oscar and Tristan are scheduled for their routine check up and update of anti-rabies and Tri-cat shots. Oscar was a real angel, behaved whenever he is in the hands of the stranger, and Tristan is being a fearful little boy that he's always been...NOT few mimutes before!

My dad helped me (Yes, Oscar can be very violent) load the boys into the Pet Taxi carrier, and left them with me to watch so he can walk down the garage and start the car. Under my care, the kids are always tame and nice, they recognise my tone, and respond to my command voice all the time, well, most of the time. The very second they were loaded in the carrier, Oscar started growling and roaring in a low voice. THE tone that gets Tristan very frightened. As soon as Oscar growled, Tristan immediately ran to the carrier door and started scratching and pulling, in desperate move to get out. The carrier is huge, and they can move freely inside, it's just that Oscar scares Tristan so much (he's an alpha male). Oscar also moved to the door, and when he found Tristan there lying on his back, claw locked to the grills, he got immediately annoyed and started attacking Tristan. This time I tapped the carrier so Oscar would stop. Sheesh.

Tristan settled at the far end of the carrier, scared of Oscar and of leaving the house. This episode lasted few hours. Good thing Oscar isn't very sociable he was unusually behave while being injected.

I was THERE the entire time. Many pet owners, usually dog owners (I was in Animal House, a popular and EXPENSIVE animal clinic) would take their pets for grooming or checkups and other whathaveyous, and would tell the vet and the animal handler "Balikan ko sya, shopping lang ako.." (I'll come back for the dog, i'll just go around shopping), or "What time you'll be finished? I'll come Back later". Well, NOT ME. We've already covered that I'm unusual. It's more than that. These rescued kids live fragile, short lives, and the moment I adopted them, I made a promise, a commitment that I will always be there for them in every event of their lives, in happy moments, play times, in difficult times, in moments of sickness and in pain. I know how it is in an animal's eyes; The person whose total loyalty he gave, and then one day he sees you leave him, out, in the danger of street, or in the stanger's hand, or leave him in a slaughterhouse for brutal killing, or even finds the master himself stab him to death, just because the owner becomes inconvenienced by taking care of him, or the owner really raised him for a good meal. I NEVER want any living being under my care feel that way, when it's their turn, I always ask the vet "Can i come inside the working area?" and they always let me, I hold them close and kiss their noses as they tilt their little heads upward in confusion and fear. I want them to know I will not leave, and I will take them with me as I go home. My cats are not breeded trophies and living displays and playthings that I take to groomers so that they look as fab as I am and then "come back later coz I need to go shopping". In fact, I groom them myself, I do NOT trust another person to clip their nails and clean their ears, even with my late furbaby Sweetpea. If I need to shop, I'll shop, but if it's my kids at stake, I am a full time catmommy.

They slept the entire noon after, too much stress probably.

Solar Returns on the 12th House

2008-12-04T12:14:00.001+08:00

The dissolution of parts into total being. Fire rising higher while water in me seeks to sink deeper and deeper, deep down the spiral, walking inwards, walking outward; looking within to be manifest without; I turn running water and depart to an entity from a past life; Total synchronity of the mind, body, soul, heart, and spirit; Uranian breakaway cracked line wide open enter a new awakening while walking the ancient path; felicity, equanimity, simplicity; fierce life force of the will, ego pushing in total denial until it meets death.

Intensifying will to experience the private; legions of questions parked, in the absence of the intent to answer; growth beyond comprehension and yet they remain elusive and unpalpable to the mundane. Shifting gear heeded the calling of the zodiacal girth rising on the Eastern horizon.

My yoga teacher-sometimes-astrologer was indisposed last night and a new yogist took over. Unlike Sivananda yoga, the new yogist taught intermediate-advance Astanga and Pranayama which, at this point in my practice, is a tad difficult, with the baggage I still have right in the pelvis and the belly.

The meditative art is for life, no rush. Physical reality is only a fraction of all that is! In search for happiness, you have been running away from the `Self', which is the real source of joy. Many times, you find yourself stressed and ailing because you don't know your inner being, the Self.

Ashnaya
On the 26th. Soul cleansing as solar returns to the secret and regenerative folds of the 12th House. A life of cleansing shines right from the beginning, 26 earth years ago. Facing the karma of tribulatory incarnations has been the most crippling, for every time I die, and live only to be stabbed again, I reel back in pain. The payment of old debts is liberating, despite the harrowing path one needs to walk.

I am water, I sink into the roots of all things and envelops all things til all is cushioned, in embryonic, protected. I am, of all the elements in the times and essence of the ages, the primordial force from where life rose, the catalyst of air, fire, and earth. Earth may be the ground where inspiration is actualised, but earth and all its Saturnine structures is empty and wilted without the gentle flow of water. Air may be the horizontal force that communicates profound insights, but without the softening and warm empathy of water, air is cold, unfeeling, unsympathetic. Fire may be the outward force of the will to go beyond the self and aim high, but without the grounding force of water, fire turns wild, uncontrolled, destructive.

Water is deeply misunderstood. It may be the primordial of the elements, yet it is far from inferior. It is the matrix, the ground of life, the empathy that humans need. Water is merely insight uncommunicated and ideas unactualised. Centuries of suppression has taken its toll in living beings, particularly humans, and they have become fearful of connecting with the water element-traits within them, people have suppressed the feminine side of them.

I am a daughter of the zodiacal girth collected in the element of water, and this natal circumstance is perfect for me as it is.

I have no other wish but to fulfill the highest of my soul purpose, the SOUL, the eternal background of the being from which all the events of life take place.

Demystified

2008-09-13T18:40:00.002+08:00

It was the night the Uranian whip hit hard, in no less than unexpected. Dancing together with Gaea's ravaged trees and wind, with intensity and panic so palpable even in the middle of the congested and busy business district, swaying side by side with Mother's violent storm, my own heart raced as I reel in pain from the sharp stab and bitter betrayal, as one of the candles I tried to keep burning for years is nearing its end, threatening to finally run out and wax off to its death.

Uranian energy challenging my plutonian core. There could never be a more perfect time to embrace the sudden and painful, albeit necessary, disruption and end, than now. It is TIME.
It's been three solar days, and I have been awashed with sadness and the freshness of the departure I made still sear deep within me.

May Mother and all my guardians keep me in this new journey I am about to take, I have one eye, it's never been so opened wide as it does now. Gaea has never shown me the rhythm of life in this clarity, as she does now. In this eve of the full moon, 630pm, the drumbeat of the night growing steady, I let go of the person, the memory, the pain, the joy of the old road. The rain has just stopped, and the land is now germinating with growth, all ready and waiting to receive the blessing of the powerful sun by tomorrow, just as I am letting go of old one, to make room for a new one, so that I can grow and soar in spirit. Let this night be my cradle as I totally, and in solemn finality, expunge the remains of that which outlived its purpose in my life. Lugnasadh is near, and we are at the waning part of the wheel of the year, death signifies an impending new life. There is life in death, and there is death in life, I walk the new road, leave behind the old one, and so the cycle continues.

In over 2 years of my solitary practice and study as an ancient soul, this is the first for me to commune in an earth dance, a gathering under the full moon, to release the past, exhale the negative, in with the new, and bend my very novice and untapped energy out into the cosmos for mother nature's healing, for collective consciousness, and for my spirit.

I stare out of my window, the night is unusually dark, nothing lights but the silvery ray coming from the moon. It is now. It is TIME.

The Casualty in the Ego, Death into Transcendence

2008-08-26T16:58:00.009+08:00

Chapter 1: LIVE ANIMALS AND PETS AS CARGO: INEXCUSABLE NEGLECT

Harrowing experiences of travelers and on-line buddies while boarding with their animal companions make me sick. The behavior of the humans you entrusted your pet with (or rather at the mercy, rather) is inexcusable. I’m often insulted by the attitude of employees who feel people are out of line by asking for what they’ve paid for.

Click to read the entire Chapter 1>>

Chapter II: EGO AND THE SLOW MURDER

If you land in hot water with someone who's dim-witted enough to slide off lessons learned a month ago and wind up in pretty much the one road he could have avoided, whatever ties you have, personal ties, need be severed before his contagious state of idiocy (or obliviscence, whatever is more manifested) takes up on you. Or before he thinks you're envious, haha, not that there's something to envy about people who knows nothing but monkeying around!

A Druid teacher once told me everything you would take, you must give, if you expect to be loved, give love, if you expect not to be juded, you must not make judgements.

Click to read the entire Chapter 2>>

Doppelganger

2008-07-02T13:20:00.002+08:00

Burdens are illusion. I cast them running water and I depart.

The face-off with a Leo rising lined in 12th house is truly a proud presence to reckon with. Someone so candidly spat words just scratched my surface. As usual, I devastate the fiery solar reign with words and verbal diarrhea heavier than lead. What got me drenched and cooled is the fact that what was said was said, and that was it. I decided to outgrow the situation and take what it presents as a character-forming dent. The days when I feel that the burden and stress I deal is monstrously beyond what I'm naturally designed by evolution, has grown dramatically high.

This moment of stop-and-go feeling (operative word: feeling) got me throwing. No, that would be an understatement, it got my entire freaking top blowing. Need proof? Ogled 4 glasses of shaken Margarita at 8 FREKKIN CLOCK IN THE MORNING, then as I am to reach for my wallet, crack! I hit the cocktail glass, and cut my finger. What sucks the most is the cafe waiter was saccharine sweet nice to me. I offered to pay for the glass I broke and at this point, I managed to pull cash from my breast pocket despite my spinning head. The waiter, obviously out of pity, declined my offer and put the extra stash of cash back to my purse, and kept mumbling 'it's okay ma'am, you look very troubled.'

Then I walked back to my desk, mind, heart, spirit in a daze.

The waiter thinks I get drunk to the wall only after 4 glasses of cocktail, fuck.

I made a scene when the glass fell on the marble deck, which made an extra tingling sound, double embarrassment, fuck.

I cut my finger which wouldn't stop bleeding for good 5 minutes, fuck.

There are gentle times when my strength can outdo the strifes and inconveniences of life. Not today, my resilience has reached its end. I have to 1)wrangle someone's neck 2)pull a gun trigger 3)shout before everyone else in the office notices my shifting mood. I am not about to lose my marble here. I even slept for merely 3 hours tonight.

I am near walking out of this room and crawling back to my bed, in the comfort of my apartment.

The lessons of my Saturn is bigger than me. I have taken on heavy responsibility and done very hard work and this is how I get paid. Maturity and practicality is what I've been striving to attain and yet they remain elusive. Oh goddess, illumine the path of light and truth. Cast this burden heavily laid out into the astral annals. May the fatherly Saturn of the cosmos be gentle on this weary heart. I surrender to the flow and ebb of the universe. Just as I have done in many past lives, I touch the ground and part it with my own lips, and feel the fire beneath the scorching ground.

12 hours of sleep and several sick leaves later..

It all boils down to my two-cents worth. Whether you like it or not, what other people think of me is truly none of my business, to each his own. If it's any good, that's bonus, my REAL business is what and how I think of myself.

I DETEST apologising, particularly If I am intensely sure I am not at fault, and is absolutely unnecessary. The situation calls for an exception, and not because I am truly sorry (well, for the monkey yeah), but I need to arrive at a resolution quick. I hate turning personally-delineated situations into a business decision. Guess the joke's on me, talk about test of character.

This is absolute, though temporary, necessity. In my strong and acute will to survive, I must do what is personally unthinkable. This reminds me of how one astrologer described a Scorpio - very diligent and hardworking, not known to bite the hands that feed him.

I do have strong convictions in life, and meeting someone else's halfway doesn't necessarily equate to abandoning mine. The moment I refuse to meet you halfway, I stop taking your money/benefits/offer/opportunity, and slam the door permanently and loudly, and that include doors bearing the titles 'king/President/Lord' in gold-leaf letters.

Sojourn

2008-05-21T10:28:00.003+08:00

Impenetrable in dissimulation,tenacious in purpose.

I was just passing by, and now I am walking it, the important new road of my career and personal life. as Venus unites with my stable saturn, every hard work and astonishing plan I've made is now slowly growing legs. There is fear looming the past months of loosing everything I built, and recent evidences speak that these apprehensions may be a much-needed moment of weakness, and I pray, not material or related to any reality. I say much-needed, because these very trying period forced me to become surprisingly resourceful and stronger beyond my will.

As the last strong day before mercury moves in retrograde motion, 'coincidentally' I am closing one deal today. I knew it the day it crept through my orderly mind. It is time. The perfect synchronity of everything. The cosmos works in harmony, indeed. Just as my bestfriend tells me, the benefits outweight the setbacks. It might take me 4 long months to recover my financial assets and I am prepared to face this challenge head up. It is time, and there is no better place to move and turn home than this breezy high-rise space.

I am not to get the flak without having my hands soiled first. I tried, I did my way up from scratching the bottom, started small. I did everything cheap and remedial as long as I do not live in someone else's house, be that my parents's. I have painful disdain for dependency and parasitism this culture encourages. Regardless of whatever factor we parade as excuse, we are individuals and are not to be freeloaders. And because I am in an environment that embraces, if not adores, codependency, I rebel with my whole heart against the multitude who would rather live in their short-sighted concept of luxury in the absence of independence.

One critical factor to my sanity is my privacy. I am an intensely private person and I protect my personal life viciously.

As I spent my first day and night in my own space, I breathed in the quietness and solitude. This is it, you're on your own kid. I am alone, and very very pleased.

----------------

I am finding my way to work, still. It's been a week since I moved and I still haven't figured the best way to sojourn to the office. I'd have to walk few blocks to the terminal, which is beneficial, since I could use some exercise. So shall that be tomorrow. Sheesh, I used to have a really no-brainer way to get to work in my old apartment. Oh never mind, my sanity and peace are FAR more expensive.

So the boyfriend agreed to visit me in my new place and cook for me, and deflower my virgin kitchen. Hopefully I can sucker him into coming with me to the mall and look for 'furnitures'.

Things are really looking up for me. After the year's strain, I am now adjusting to things. Sure I still have loose ends to tie, but heck, I can manage now. I was right about ignoring pressure from certain 'folks' to catch up to their metrics of life, I do things in my OWN terms, in my own pace. I have an awfully LONG way to go and I have I plan on how exactly to attain that destination.

-
No wonder, You're jobless, shit. Does your bloke have this thing called job, or you guys just content yourself with frying dead fish? Pun sooo intended LOL.

---*----

When you say things in anger, they leave a mark. No amount of apologies can reverse the ill-feeling trailed by painful words. Think thrice, a hundred times if need be, before you let out choiced stern words. I've never been prouder of my deliberative nature than now. With all the mental pictures I decided not to realise, I have saved relationships more than what you can count through your fingers and toes.

Down With Speciesism; The Noise of True Love

2008-03-03T12:26:00.005+08:00

And so valentines had passed, all went with their clever ways of showing the love to their partners. I, as a person daunted to live a spiritual path, am not feeling the love.

I pity and empathise with people who most commonly celebrate St. Brigid's fire day through roses, chocolates, sex, dinner, and everything mundane. These are lousy excuse for what is perceived as love.

How is love defined and practiced in a spiritual path? It transcends the pleasure erotica brings, I have an expansive meaning of LOVE as I progress in my life here in earth. Love is 80% less carbon monoxide emission human industry burdens Gaia's earth, love is absence of Japanese fleet vessels harpooning whales and dolphins, it is the dynamic ebb and flow of the ecological balance, social freedom for all forms of society, human and non-human, love is empty laboratories and zero imports of baboons for military, medical, and clinical tests, love is complete and total affection for life, in its every form. Love is the idea that 'salvation' (in ordinal and religious meaning) is not only a want of human beings, love is sustainable living, of degradation of global warming. Love is welcoming arms accepting and tolerating human diversity, a sincere love for fellows, fellow humans and fellow living beings, love is the ultimate merging that connects all of life.

I am undeterred, for while it is comforting to know that I cannot educate and inform everyone, I will do my purpose of opening that road to a few people who stumbles upon me personally or on-line. I open their ears to the noise of real love.

So of course, animals feel, and of course they experience pain. After all, has nature endowed these wonderful animals with well-springs of sentiment so that they should
not feel, or do animals have nerves in order to be insensitive? Reason demands a better answer. But one thing is absolutely certain: animals used for food, used
for clothing, used for entertainment, and in scientific experiments -and all the oppression that is done to them under the sun- they all die from pain. Each and every
one. Isn't it enough that animals the world over live in permanent retreat from human progress and expansion?

We enter as lords of the earth bearing strange powers of terror and mercy alike.

The following are exceprts taken from the Screenplay of an award-winning documentary film Earthling, narrated by Joaquin Phoenix and directed by Shaun Monson.

Since we all inhabit the earth, all of us are considered
earthlings. There is no sexism, no racism or speciesism in
the term earthling. It encompasses each and every one of
us: warm or cold blooded, mammal, vertebrate or
invertebrate, bird, reptile, amphibian, fish, and human
alike. Humans, therefore, being not the only species on
the planet, share this world with millions of other living
creatures, as we all evolve here together.

However, it is the human earthling who tends to dominate
the earth, often times treating other fellow earthlings and
living beings as mere objects. This is what is meant by
speciesism.

By analogy with racism and sexism, the term “speciesism” is
a prejudice or attitude of bias in favor of the interests
of members of one’s own species and against those of
members of other species. If a being suffers there can be
no moral justification for refusing to take that suffering
into consideration. No matter what the nature of the
being, the principle of equality requires that one’s
suffering can be counted equally with the like suffering of
any other being.

Might the same be true of how humans treat other animals,
or other earthlings? Undoubtedly there are differences,
since humans and animals are not the same in all respects.

nevertheless, we and they do have some of the
same desires and do comprehend some of the same things.
The desires for food and water, shelter and companionship,
freedom of movement and avoidance of pain , these desires
are shared by nonhuman animals and human beings. As for
comprehension: like humans, many nonhuman animals
understand the world in which they live and move.
Otherwise, they could not survive.

In these fundamental respects humans stand “on all fours,” so to
speak, with hogs and cows, chickens and turkeys.

What these animals are due from us, how we morally ought to treat them, are questions whose answer begins with the recognition of our psychological kinship with them.

The film demonstrates in five ways just how humans have come to treat animals>>

It has been said that if we had to kill our own meat, we would all be vegetarians.

People might hope that the meat they buy came from an animal who died without pain, but they don’t really want to know about it. Yet those who, by their purchases, require animals to be killed, DO NOT deserve to be shielded from this or any other aspect of the production of the meat they buy

For those of us living on a meat diet, the process these animals undergo is as follows.

1. COW-. BRANDING
A COW’S HEAD IS FASTENED BETWEEN WOODEN SLATS WITH A NOSE
RING. A HOT IRON IS PRESSED AGAINST THE POOR ANIMAL’S
CHEEK.

2. DEHORNING
THE BRANDED COW IS NOW CHAINED THROUGH ANOTHER FENCE. BOLT
CUTTERS ARE USED TO PINCH OF HIS HORNS. BLOOD SQUIRTS.
THE ANIMAL THROWS HIS HEAD BACK BUT CAN’T MOVE.

3. TRANSPORTATION
SHOT OF COWS PACKED INTO TRUCKS, DEAD OR DYING, ELECTIC
PRODS USED TO GET THEM ALL IN THERE.

4. MILKING
MILKING COWS LINED UP IN STALLS; MACHINES
SUCKING FROM THEIR UTTERS; VEINS POPPING.

5. MEAT
A COW IS BROUGHT ONTO THE KILL FLOOR OF A SLAUGHTERHOUSE.

6. CAPTIVE BOLTS
THE COW IS SHOT BETWEEN THE EYES. DROPS TO THE FLOOR.
HEAD BOBBING. STUNNED.

7. BLEEDING
A CHAIN IS TIED AROUND THE COW’S HOOF AND THE ANIMAL IS
HOISTED INTO THE AIR. A FACTORY WORKER SLITS HIS THROAT.
COLLECTS THE BLOOD IN A BUCKET. THE ANIMAL IS THEN MOVED
KICKING AND WREATHING INTO AN ASSEMBLY LINE TO “BLEED OUT.”

8. VEAL
VEAL CALVES ARE TIED IN CRATES; TRYING TO WRIGGLE FREE.
THEY CAN DO NOTHING BUT STAND WITH A ROPE AROUND THEIR
NECKS.

9. PORK-TAIL DOCKING
PIGLETS HAVE THEIR TAILS CUT OFF WITH WIRE-CUTTERS, THEIR
EAR’S CLIPPED, THEIR TEETH FILED AND ARE CASTRATED. ALL OF
THEM SQUEELING IN PAIN.

10. EAR CLIPPING
USING PLIERS, WORKERS CUT OF SQUEELING PIGS’ EARS AND
TEETH.

11. CASTRATION
USING ELECTRIC PRODS, PIGS GIVEN ELECTRIC PRODS ARE UNABLE TO WALK AFTERWARD. ONE HAS TO BE DRAGGED BY THE EAR. ANOTHER STUMBLES INTO A PEN, DRAGGING HER HIND LEGS.

12. ELECTROCUTION
ELECTRIC RINGS ARE PINCHED AROUND MORE PIGS’ NECKS. VOLTS
SURGE THROUGH THEIR BODIES, IMMOBILIZING THEM.

13. THROAT SLITTING
PIGS HUNG UPSIDE DOWN ON AN ASSEMBLY LINE HAVE THEIR
THROATS SLIT.

Throat slitting, however, is still the least expensive way
to kill an animal.

After knife sticking, animals are shackled, suspended on a
bleed-rail and immersed in scalding tanks to remove their
bristle, feathers, hair, fur. Many are still struggling as they are dunked upside down in tanks of steaming water, where they are submerged and drowned.

Karmic Climax

2008-02-04T13:12:00.000+08:00

With four major heavenly bodies transiting in Aquarius overwhelming my house of communication, the demands every thing and every one in my life with my time and attention are nothing short of overwhelming. My life this past month is a series of whirlwind.

I've never been so stressed in my entire professional life as I am now. I am put under a critical position that tests my character, forces me to work on my unpardonably weakest point- merging with social groups, and challenges my decision-making and management ability in ways that all my four previous jobs put together have not done before. All this, together with my sadness due to the fact that a mentor, a VIP executive in the company, has left weeks ago, leaving me feeling orphaned and lost.

Now I have to learn and do everything on my own, But then again, THAT is nothing new, as I have always been an independent self-sufficient, self-possessed steel who goes off on her own, and takes care of her self.

Unlike most drones who claim on the said stance, I, on the other hand, live up to the claim of independence. I do not find comfort in living off of people, I detest the parasitic culture made acceptable by my people that it is normal and natural to live STILL by your parents by the time you reach 18. I set the dividing wall the moment I turned 16. I could not wait to gain full independence.

early 20's, I lived on my own when I was still with my old job, but after a member of my inner circle got terribly ill, I had to go back. I made a firm resolve last 2006 that I WILL gain independence, I will live the true benchmark of adulthood, without being reliant on my parents, or anyone, when it comes to the basest of needs, including shelter. Last week, with few thousands of bucks poorer (and my plastic maxxxxxed out), I have finally gained my hard-earned independence. Two years after I vowed to do so, FOR GOOD. Sure, staying in my folk's suburban house is materially comforting, saving me from couple of huge spending on minor furnitures and lease, but it violates my sense of dignity and principle. My mother and father did not raise a cripple who cannot develop enough backbone to stand on her own, literally, in her own place, money, career. I am not a beggar to my own parents (or aunt, brother, sister, or any kin).

I've seen all those grand gestures of 'open-minded' youngsters, these twenty-something adults still wear those invisible nappies. They go partying and living lives in quick-fix method the same way they nurture themselves, living in fast, styro-packed, hushed life, absent of class and dignity.

Sure I've heard zillions of 'yuppies' who proclaim all high modernity and liberty in mind, the feeling sex-and-the-city girls and boys who thought they lived the ultra urban lifestyle...NOT!. Gives me the shivers. Puhlease, before making such claims, be sure to grow balls big enough to carry your own ass. Your fluency or literacy does not make you an adult.

Then again, who would have thought? the mask frequently seen is that outgoing, gregarious, spontaneous side. Who would think I win the bread for my fam? Who'd think I pay for the insurances of my kin, the education plans of my siblings, the health care of my folks, the bills, the amortizatization (where most of my money earned from college jobs, such as my allowance from V, go), the the surgery bills of my uncle, the optical allowance of my grandparents? No one I think.

This strong sense of domestic obligation kept me from leaving my parental abode for years. As I now reach my quarter of a century old, I think it is best that I take my independence. Like what I told friends, the setbacks I may encounter with this far outweighs the rewards of independence. I may be thousand bucks poorer, but if that financial responsibility will win me freedom, then that is the BEST money I've spent.

**
You, do not turn your problems into my problems. That's what's wrong with you, I give my hand and you want the whole arm. That, I'm afraid, is a tall order, I defer.
**

I met with my astrologer for a talk as regards my current transits and near life checkpoints. She told me I am there for a profound reason, and she's taken the effort to do something she said she doesn't normally do with other clients. I take that as either I am exceptionally capable of greatness, or that I am in deep trouble LOL.

The affirmation of my lifelong pursuit for self mastery in the form of my astrologer is a great comfort to my presently exhausted spirit, akin to balm soothing a life swelling. It seemed to me she is mindful of my blueprint as it reveals so much of how ferociously ambitious I am, seething from the inside but never dares (begs) to reveal on the outside.

Thank you my dearest, I will remember the teachings and lessons your presence has brought into me, just like the many remarkable souls I met in the path. I will see you soon (next month? =p). I will carve my niche with determined caution, weary of obsession that might take place.

Genuine mastery is equivalent to dead ego, it has no need for ego as the master instinctively knows, it has no need for mental rationalisation for the master knows what the mind cannot scale down. The key to mastery is surrender. Fight not the challenges and fiery path you must walk on, for in surrender and pain comes refinement and discipline, into becoming a genuine master, a skilled magician who totally and so completely owns himself, transforms humanity, and sees a clear vision from above, rises above.

A master who once in her life takes a plunge so deep and irredeemable, then rose from her ashes and rise beyond, enlightening every one in her path, like a phoenix.

May the shy beam of the Vigin moon call upon those who have guided her child in all of her earth life. Master, I shall be.

Genesis

2008-01-04T21:29:00.000+08:00

Gratitude

Just like what my bestfriend told me, 2007 has been a kind year, she has been generous in ways that almost overwhelm me with nervousness and gladness together. I vow to make my first journal entry for the year a show of gratitude and assessment of my quarter of a century stay here in this lifetime.

To my sons. You are my midnight companion and astral gatekeeper. I will not survive physical and astral life without your quiet presence and protection. You have taught me vast rich paragons of knowledge and wisdom that no human being can. I dedicate my life to the service of yours, and the rest of your kind.

To members of my innermost sacred circle. I owe you my life, and I renew my vows to the cosmos that for as long as oxygen can run through my brain, as long as I'm lucid and Al zheimers-free, no one will touch you without going through my abode of wrath far deeper than Dante's Inferno.

To my soul mate and life partner, I still do not know if you are Bodhisattva. You are my life raft. You speak for what I mean before words can scale down my heart and mind. You are an invaluable being this world in this lifetime has the pleasure of knowing.

To my best friends. you make every life blow 99 per cent easier to bear. I consider my self a rare recipient of such genuine companionship. People kill for the friendships we share, and I am most blessed to have you all in my life.

To all my closest friends, every one has been a comrade, helper, vacant shoulder, am well aware I normally talk your ears off. Your presence is important and you can always count on my staunch loyalty and friendship. Thank you, you made life easier.

Unguarded

Not-so pleasant invectives coming up. You've been warned.

I do not tolerate anyone prying on my private affairs. Taking you seriously proved to be a waste of time and effort. I'd stop baiting if I were you, it is not working, nothing your kind can do can make my knees shake. You do not have the privelege to hurt me, I am not allowing you, you were never allowed.

It takes so much more than that to rile me to anger. I have nothing for you, not even friendship. I am busy reaching my strategic goals and objectives so I really don't waste my time.

If this still doesn't crack your skull, know this; I am invincible to whatever you do, simply because of apathy. Meaning, I don't give a shit about you or anything you do. If you are not one of the 6 people I live with, or one of the three friends I love, or one of the few I respect and value, I don't care, and you belong to the multitude I totally ignore. This will be the last time I will speak of this online. I have nothing for you but total indifference.

Roulette

2007-12-05T11:44:00.000+08:00

I am the avenger of my own past.

Lillith has always been a profound reminder to me of what I am capable of achieving, empowerment kept in the dark even to my own knowledge.

Ancient texts and Books published from the orthodox present Lillith as a demon mother of ancient entity. According to myths, Lillith was the real partner of Adam, but die to the overwhelming determination and strong will, Lillith and Adam engage in fights. They say Lillith is too proud to submit to Adam. She left the garden of Eden, and was replaced by Eve.

There has been a recent revelation which unfolded without my conscious effort about someone. I knew about this all along, and the recent set of actions just proved my suspicions about how degenerate this creature is, sinking so low as to throwing people who deserved staying. Make no mistake, I am not privy into the sordid detail of the person's misery, but nothing escapes my tenacious antennae to the world, I am ultimately connected to every human, and I am, there is nothing of human that I do not know, what the nonentity tries so hard to deny and amend, I have gone through several life times ago. Unless the crab realizes that which lacks, identifies the imbalances, learns to deflect the unfavorable aspects, and give all might in evolving into someone better, higher, a more enlightened soul, then that person will walk the rest of earth life half blind, not fulfilling the very purpose the person came here for.

Empowerment, embracing change, burn with your eyes open, and rise from your own ashes hard, invincible, irredeemable, is what Lillith and Pluto teaches.

Be human, and be proud that you are, shamelessly embrace sexuality, your desire, and speak of it in black and white, no euphemisms, no cloud of religious guilt, for life and earth can only show us the best way to live this journey, be at your most human.

**
Please do humanity a favor by sewing a thick yarn over your mouth, and tie your hands, stay away from any writing instrument and keyboard as far as possible. Please do not advertise your imbecility. God, you think IQs increase by wearing skimpy swimsuits? Not that I hate beaches, I am not a beach person in the modern connotation of the phrase, I respect any body of nature, but you in it, you desecrate Gaia, you are a kick in the pants to order and logic, go expire and die a natural death.
**

I seem self-possessed, yet this way I am safe. I am never angry and never full of hatred, I just cut through the usual niceties and see the stark truth, beauty, or the ugly in everything and everyone. I am not harsh, I defend my inner circle with a kind of loyalty unknown to humankind. I love with the kind that puts death and afterlife to shame.

Quarter Centenarian

2007-11-06T13:22:00.000+08:00

I know this is petty and trivial, but, but yes! I've just earned enough savings from my very first job aka slavery in the TV network up to my current work to be able to invest on Euro-denominated bonds(with a little help from my dad of course) in Bayerische Landesbank Girozentrale in Fg St Honore, Paris. They are Germany's largest securities issuer, and during my father's career as a multinational property and asset consultant, he was able to make important relationships with the bank's Bavarian headquarters, and allocated part of his investments with the BayernLB Group.

So now he finalllyyyyyy agreed to let me in the details and refer me to his Asia Pacific-based broker so I can purchase securities as a proprietary account holder, with DB as my custodian bank and Institutional account handler.

When I was a little girl all my worries focused on my lunch and snack and how to stretch my twenty-peso allowance so I could afford the Funwich Ice Cream and still buy me lunch. I have become an adult. I thank my second house in vicious and ambitious Capricorn laced with very warm and affable (key rule, when surrounded by tin cans and noisy bragging kids, play nice and innocent, no, play nice and ignorant) and caring Sagittarius.

Was so dumped with work lately, I was juggling the editorial task with the Online Billing and Accrual System Integration Project with my Madrid-based Project Manager, plus the Business Model creation for our newly-acquired Data Reference company, plus the Process Mgt Preliminary Management Plan I need to deliver before this heavy year ends. I did not even have the time to meet some of my friends, which sucks because I missed a lot of Halloween costume parties, and now I have to miss the Beyonce Experience concert!! I even bought me new set of Non-animal tested eye makeup from The Body Shop and this Arbonne's (Vegan cosmetics) Warm Face Natural Color Set I purchased online using my mother's client account (When I buy the Ecco Bella lipstick, another vegan brand, I plan to sign up for my own account, Visa rocks).

And now my boss attempted to bargain with me something related to my trip to Verona, either I miss my birthday or I miss Christmas..hell no, I will spend my Christmas with my sacred, inner circle here in my crib, with my feline sons, with my lover, with my new gym equipment, with my MAC book pro, no thanks. I am not one of the zillions of my countrymen who are itching to leave the country then try to feign bloated egos the moment they step onto foreign land, no, my loyalty and nationalism belongs to my own country (by Virtue of residence I mean, used to own dual citizenship til my 18th birthday), pretentious usurpers.

Waxing Retrospective

2007-11-04T01:30:00.000+08:00

Life is NOT sweet, but Karma allows the return of the cosmos's natural order, in order to restore balance to a life that was once dangerously tipped to imbalance, both by personal and peripheral will.

At the end of the day, it matters not what material gain you earn and possess from the restoration of order, what's most priceless, most fundamental is what the spirit eventually becomes, what new form has taken the place of the old one. The new understanding and awakening about earthly and spiritual life is what the soul takes with it as it continues to progress.

Some cracked souls fall prey to the pitfall of the final push to greatness, heads swelling, egos inflating, materiality reeks, most faulty beings do, and it may take more earth lives to let go off this sickening hold to indulgences. May I stress on those souls most famished and starving, character-wise. Life in all its equanimity, for the life of them, could not get hold of much material equipment and tools, only for the simple reason that their souls are not yet equipped to handle these tools, balance is not achieved if power is prematurely acquired. Refinement is a must, a significant dose of refinement.

Irresponsibility is a lousy term built to justify it, if you ask me, it's more of inability. Unless the soul will realize what it lacks early, and volunteers to go through fire in order to achieve regeneration, refinement, ability is formed. The greater a soul becomes, the more material tool it needs in order to perform its purpose. The more degenerate, simpleton a soul degrades into, the less material it requires for all it needs to do is expire.

There was one survey I answered, whereby I said, no matter what you see and hear, I am abstracted from materiality. I need NOT explain myself, since I know me more. I know what needs to be valued. My head does not balloon and goes up to the stratosphere every time a penny lands in my bank account. I remember someone from one of my past lives, and some of my friends know about this, this someone took a 180-degree turn in character, speedily and surely changed right after the person got hold of little pseudo-power and got promoted. This is not just a bad case of lack of humor, this is downright dull maria turned world-renowned ass. I can bet my Joe Malone ass no one wants to work with a walking ass, ever. ick.

Of course, to some mentally acute beings, it takes only one lifetime to progress, while others take a million. See, balance, ha ha.

Sounds cliche, but really, it is not about the money, and the spoils.

As above, so is below.

Minerva Rising

2007-11-03T00:49:00.000+08:00

Every endeavor turns into a success,
When the work is transformed into a zeal,
Every pinnacle can be climbed, in excess
With the dogged determination of steel.
Think of phoenix, think of the goal,
Troubles are fleeting, they never exist longer,
In fact they are, motivating factors in total,
Rise above all, and raise to be stronger.
-Lakkoju Goutam

Hard work ages well, this night of Samhain, I join the watchtowers in banishing those that needs to be thrown out, and I welcome the fruits of my four-year hard work and prolonged exercise of delayed gratification.

As I turn quarter of a century, I will give myself the best gift I know. I will be spending my 25th solar return (birthday) in Verona, Italy alone. Yes, me, myself, and I in Romeo and Juliet's turf!

Actually, I've given myself too many gifts this month of Samhain, which will culminate on my exact birth date. I bought a sweet gym equipment because I do not like going to the gym and since it was painfully expensive, I wanted to maximize it, so now I've been using it coupled with routines I know during my days as a volleyball varsity player, and lost 10 pounds.

I bought my dad the latest Canon IXUS and I was happy to see him happy. my BFF gave me tickets FREE to see Babyface, and another girl pal let me in the gorgeous clubs on VIP GUEST LIST.

I bought a MAC Book pro so my pc does not need to overwork, and I love the silver titanium case!

I burned five-digit worth of cash shopping and I was able to overhaul my wardrobe last week yeee!

The last one, my trip to Verona, Italy. I actually will make a connecting flight so make that Verona and Rome. I was so tired shopping for the perfect trench coat and boots. I failed to find a winter ear muff so I am using this gray hat my mom gave me from Sweden.

Shet I am sounding like my friend Erika haha!

Though Unlike her, I've not purchased a car and a condo (yet). But I will be moving in to an apartment closer to work next year.

Defying Gravity

2007-10-22T18:13:00.000+08:00

I'v been told that your blog life is inversely proportional to the growth of your social life.

If it were any true, then that would be work life, not social life, eating my time away from my virtual life. I don't know really, maybe because, unlike someone I know very well, I don't hold anything I've done online as anything more than mere distraction and outlet. What most count as 'online accomplishment' is nothing more to me than an emotional dumpsite.

This is not my 'precious little haven' where all my 'memories' are stored, haha goddess, no. What probably most virtual monkeys (and virtually challenged, even idiots need to dream you know)consider as achievement of sort, a virtual feat, is truly meaningless for me.

To be frank, I do not know what I did to have my life turned around. Like what one of my bestfriends put it, I was angry and cynical and a young usurper floundering my parent's bank accounts wasting money on idealisms that do not really help my future (my present).

I had to be that, I needed to dirt myself in the mud then learn to crawl out of the mud, I live a life of passion and no-middle-ground rule, and I fear not getting my mind, my hands, my body dirty in exchange for knowledge. According to my benevolent MGT101 professor, 80 percent retention is only possible if participation is possible, reading and seeing can only account to 20 percent of perceiving. I knew that in practice waaay before working, I only learn when I completely experience events and situations, the "learn from others" quip can only help me in limited scenarios, which, upon full use of common sense, may not be useful at all.

I have not accomplished much, and I am not even close to my rennaisance, because that would be the day I am most regenerated, a form so high it cannot be distinguished from the old self, because that would be the time that I can heal others and serve my advocacies.

I believe some failures belonging to a past life still reek of resentment (envy maybe, I pray not) and insecurty. Such foul, degenerate emotional cycle, I am painfully familiar. I can detail parts of it like I would my own contour, and I can spend an entire 1000 page-notebook to elabor on the consuming feeling of failure and how that can take the disguise of anger, such mirror of ignorance. Now I know I can say with highest credit that I am moved beyond that, I was that.

As I progress, I am leaving a sweet-smelling trail of success to leave them more in anger lol. Trust me this is not my narcissism talking, I KNOW, proof and basis exists.

It's time for me to defy gravity.

Thunderstorm

2007-09-28T16:56:00.000+08:00

The most important, closest, most intimate person in my life is experiencing heavy life trouble and I am at a loss for things to do to help the person and make the person's life easier.

I've no idea what to say every time we are engaged in a conversation. There is nothing anyone could say to improve the situation, and most often, I assume the best help I could give is silent support and ear.

Like millions of both private and public information i equally hide and keep from acquaintances, friends and family, I've not told a soul about it. This is a tender moment when I honestly do not know what to do. My social facet is doing a great job covering for the things that wreck havoc my private and personal life. My family life is a far cry from me and the person's state, it is getting worse by the day. My professional life is doing great, so there is no good time for me to disturb the other aspects of my life, and the people belonging in them.

I never wished for that, not even to the "other" person (thou I dream of publicly whacking her), I feel suspended, paralyzed, hoping to see you budge or cry. We'll see.

Serenity

2007-09-24T15:28:00.000+08:00

I've built, mended, ruined, fixed, feigned, kept, trashed many friendships in this life, but yours is one of the two I'll keep.

It was my mistake six years ago, denying (denouncing) someone who values you as a person has its price. I must admit I have to pay now, and the stakes are raised higher each day I play spectator to everything I once had and lost, and pretty sure will never gain back (unless I turn to black mood again and wish someone ill, grisly business is beneath me).

The sun transiting to Virgo knew exactly each burden in my heart. Like a sick person revived, my lost hopes and wishes for you my dear, came back to life the night of Solar Virgo.

Sometimes I look back and let out a heavy sigh at my misgivings and neglect. I was not there when you needed me most, I was too preoccupied with my private life, I was too engrossed with my hidden sex-drugs-alcohol life, too busy crossing people who do not deserve the truth from me.

I remember that manic afternoon in front of the lockers. You turned red and throw your keys, mad, no, deeply hurt, it seems I've deserted you for all my boyfriends.

There are things you cannot undo, choices and hurt you cannot rewind. I'm not asking clean-slate, all I hope for was a second chance.

I hardly journal about persons in particular as it is my personal choice to confront people than to blog or trash or diss them on the Internet like zillions of cowards are.

It appears that because It was I who had misgivings and it was I who committed abandonment, I have to live up to the painful and treacherous consequences of my stupidity. I can clearly see the effort, and I thank you for demonstrating that yes, some relationships are kept forever, but I was asking for more than keeping. God forbid it's too obvious how I envy your present gatekeeper. Sans the idiocy six years before, that would have been me.

Nonetheless, thank you for the revival, no matter how trivial and minute it is in contrast to what we had. That will suffice, guilty persons cannot be choosers, it is enough. This is in honor of you.

Slow Fire

2007-08-21T18:35:00.000+08:00

I know things are easier said than done, always always, such is the case. Hence, I will hold my ephemeral peace on things I have been planning, making steady calculations on every risk and reward, until the time comes when concepts are fully grasped and execution is within reach. My brain has been welled up with too much planning, and I've been cautiously evaluating every advice and opinion I get. It is now time for me to sift through those gentle words and come up with a decision as I see best fits my goals and strategy.

Coming from Outlandish Territory

I am not obliged, not even to my inner circle. I do not answer to your questions. Do not mistake my discretion for deceit or dishonesty. Unlike many souls surrounding you, I am not translucent, My life is elusive, I am not lying or committing deception, I am merely exercising reservation. My privacy, above all, is a fundamental property to me. I don't just have 'this thing' or 'issue' with space, I have terribly high regard for my privacy, I do not owe any one any revelation. I allow selected souls glimpse behind this veil only up to a certain point, and in my own timing. Sadly does not include you.

(read more)

Bubble Bursting

I will never ever take Kape Barako on a week end. My attempt on early rest failed miserably as I found my eyes still wide open by midnight after retiring to bed as early as nine o'clock. There lies the trouble, when I don't sleep, I think, and when I start thinking, I don't stop.

---

Funny, someone mentally blasted enough to physically injure his spouse will have the gall to tell me 'I still have hope for me and [woman's name]'. You know how it feels when a cat tells a confused bear that he has the same weight, anatomy, size of another bear, yet that bear says the other bear must be a half mouse because he thinks he is a mouse? Yes, that's how the grind goes with this man. I've exhausted every shred of courtesy left in my marrow to break it gently that he is as callous as a corn as far as his wife is concerned, and that it is highly improbable for any battered woman to return to the battering man unless he's beaten her brains to a pulp. You just don't get it, do you? In case you didn't notice, everyfuckingbody KNOWS.

Playing Coy

This strange issue of someone telling me I am full of anger just when I mellowed down to my angryless disposition (should have met me 2004, it was a riot) re-emerged. Someone's loss paralyzed me for quite a time, someone dear to an old acquaintance transcended this life. All the other private battles I cautiously burried together with my killing hatchet long time ago crawled through my consciousness, as if haunting me in my astral walk does not suffice. Together with my ocean of worldly troubles, they just had to swim along.

Restlessness also comes from the fact that this is my 3rd journal entry draft. Had a zillion thoughts to dump but this day job takes the best out of my energy and time, so much so that every time I compose a draft, I end up accidentally deleting it or deliberately scrapping it due to demands coming from the higher-ups, the banks, the clients, the project owners.

Funny, had an elaborately written paragraph just telling the you-are-full-of-anger person off, in one of those drafts. I violently reacted (at least internally) and my point is, I am so over the angry stage. I'm too old for that drama.

I have long abandoned that passive person that I was. I am not angry, or angsty, or cynical. I am devoid of any intellectual blockage now. I may not accept and agree with everything I'm faced with, but I have so much respect for human diversity. With that respect comes an overwhelming passion to defend my own hard-earned-hard-learned views, to chase after my own goals, and define what I see as my purpose. Most people mistake that passion for anger.

Hatred is but a mirror of ignorance. I've ambitious set of goals to attain, and in order to achieve those, I must rid myself off negative entities in my life- events, memories, people. If there is one gift Lillith gave me, it is to unite with the shadow and take hold of the light through embracing the lessons of the dark first.

Even worse prejudice of me, is that all I seek for in everything I do, is money. If it were money I want, considering every chance I ignored due to higher goals, I would be illegally wealthy by now, and my enemy headcount tripled.

Life is full of ironies. I should know, there is one walking paradox in this modern apartment.

Sand Bar Encounter

2007-07-10T17:38:00.000+08:00

Disassociation begins. I will rather be your worst enemy than a reluctant friend.

Have you ever been in a situation where, for the first time, you attempted to move out of your world and reach out to an unknown circle, touch-based with what you thought would be a refreshing crowd, and end up totally disappointed upon the discovery that all it takes to earn 'in' status and acceptance is to degrade your communication norm, employ profanity, cuss words, and inappropriate statements in manners that are publicly exposed? Hihiyain mo muna sarili mo at magpaka bastos to gain commendable status, and wear the very disgusting rep like a badge of honor?
Click link below to read more

I am being precise when I say that I simply do not belong to these groups. I've had my fat share of clique' popularity, in the real world and cyber world back in the day when social networking is an alien concept, and although it was seductive at first, the signs of its miserably shallow purpose will rear its head soon enough for you to discern how these groups can be pathetic. and really, as you expose yourself more to the infectious wind of superficiality, the more you unearth how limited the group's perspective is of the word 'meaningful', like opening Pandora's box of trivial, finite pseudo-profundity.

I am aware that I have my rising facing one of the most outgoing, pleasant, materially-frivolous signs, but I know where to draw the line between extroversion and superficiality, with much, much consideration on manners and tact.

So you like put on your bling, sport your new do, wear that glitzy frock, and strut your way out does wonders for the featherbrained, and for the social aspect of your package, that spell won't work when faced with the intellectually acute-plus-witty group.

Imagine someone like me violating my usual acid-coated mind to the point of actually touching someone in the head and flattering them with I love what you do quip, should be a signal that I am truly being polite. I was being polite when I said those words alright, until someone said and did something that snapped my courtesy meter. Nothing cracks courtesy better than tactlessness and complete disregard for ethic.

So on they go about their paltry means of entertaining people, the kind of amusement catered to retards.

I'd rather return to my antisocial-militant behavior during my loner years. This is what I detest most in 'modern' entertainment, instead of adhering to the very literal sense of modernity, the genuine state is deplorable, utterly contemptible deterioration of every immaterial structure, modern is indeed decay.

I so refuse to affiliate with these groups. Vulgarity is not the new demure, profanity is not the new reverence. TRASH will never sell (at least to me). No wonder I never enjoyed all those little chat, it's beyond what I consider entertaining, mental massage perhaps.

And please don't tell me I need a good lay, you have no idea.

Image by Beste Zeybel / Cassandra of Deviant Art. No part of the image is altered, except proportional resizing.

Tagged!

2007-07-09T18:31:00.000+08:00

Tagged by Hot momma Leeney

Instructions: Each player starts with 7 random habits/facts about themselves. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their seven things, as well as these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose 7 people to get tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them that they have been tagged and to read your blog!

A - Age: 24

B - Band Listening To Right Now: William Orbit's

C - Career: Misconstrued seeker

D - Drink or Smoke: Drink, chain smoker for five years, I quit

E - Easiest Friends To Talk To: friends who use cuss words to greet me and know it's cool

Click to show and hide the list>>

I tag Kat, Job, Arbet, Reese, Notnot. Can't meet the quota huhu, I hardly bloghop save my friend's.

Thanks for that Leeney! When do we meet?

Steel Hardcore Curtain

2007-07-04T17:20:00.000+08:00

The nameless cat i found dead on a street on my way to work broke my spirit. I am bound to light three black candles to illumine the ephemeral road to his/her peace. I am known to a highly select few, and my inner private circle to rescue and adopt animals I find on streets, innocent, hapless, unsuspecting souls whose miserable lives did not find its needle-thin way into many human hearts. It's easy to love and adore your breed dogs and cats, or the lovebirds you romantically cage in your garage, or the hamster even. You make public declaration of your love for the animals.

Then I take a second look, you eat pork chop for lunch, then you take on Formaldehyde-loaded shampoo manufactured by a fat, huge company who probably mutilated and blinded zillions of Chinchillas in animal testing laboratories just so you could get that 'Silky n Shiny' tresses, not to mention your fascination for Ocean adventure parks, oh yeah the declaration of animal love! but you pay a meager amount to amuse yourself with dolphins playing tricks, dolphins whose ear cavities are massively obstructed and damaged due to the immensely small space they swim into, from an ocean of playroom to the 5-feet makeshift pool, in the name of amusement.

Now where's that animal love again? No, most people who claim the title are mere pet lovers.

As above, so is below. Respect for life in its highest form does not only constitute human life, for all of life consists all life, and animal life, and vegetative life are as much a major player in this cycle as humans. The path I chose is not for everyone, it takes a million deaths and a thousand burnings to attain what I painstakingly attained, and saddest truth be told, not all living souls are willing to walk the road less traveled. Sentient beings that humans are, pleasure and heightened experience of material enjoyment takes center stage. Material possesions humans cling, the ease of living, they say, the quiet comfort of sex-and-the-city-ish modern lifestyle, is most fundamental.

I've long given up the docorative earthly life. I have an armor good enough so I don't scare, at the very least offend and repel, people and friends around. My lively ascendant works so well, a great career, a lively social calendar, a relatively pleasant disposition, are all enough to survive. They also suffice in providing me avenue in slowly fulfilling my genuine desire. My intents and purposes are elusive, and they surpass the naked eye. My polarity sure did confuse many unsuspecting souls, but I am now able to maximize it to my private advantage.

Not every beating heart is tranluscent. I ache for astral and physical harmony and equanimity. I desire to walk and embrace my lost familiar in her garden during my lucid dreams. I dream for a deep, global acceptance of animal compassion and Gaia's conservation. I will live another hundred incarnations to unite with my karmic twin again and again.

No, I am not chained to MBA, portfolio management, Process development, money, booze, men, even though that's how it seems.

Perhaps I am asking too much. The prizes I desire are too costly in this lifetime, and hence, I am bound to finish this journey with a weary heart.

--------

Up to now, I still haven't come up with the perfect, generic, socially-acceptable response to people who ask me 'Why are you vegetarian?, 'What made you decide to become vegetarian?', 'Do you still have sex life since you're vegetarian?' and other similar questions. How do I answer them without piercing through their shield? How do I say things without bludgeoning their egos? How do I explain things without coming off as a world renowned airhaead?

--------

The smell of coffee infuriates me. It elbows my feather-light imagination back into the puzzle of reality. I used to say I am a coffee lover, now I believe I've been misrepresenting myself for the last six years, coffee, and everything it stands for, betrays me. I am not a coffee lover, I am merely a discriminative coffee drinker who pays painfully critical attention to the quality of bean roasting, the amount of acidity found in the espresso, the way frothe is made, the efficacy of the vanilla and cinnamon syrup in the coffee which must linger in my nostril. I'm just that. Coffee is my bubble-burster.

--------

Someone asked me 'Are you close to your brother/sister/family? You don't talk about them?'. If I were to answer the question, the person would have found out 90 percent of WHAT I am.
That is how consequential and important my personal life is to me. I do not answer to questions of such nature. Take that, gentle people, as sacrilege of my privacy. I reel in guilt as the person belongs to one close circle, but this is a matter of survival, WHO i am will suffice. My entirety is unacceptable to living beings belonging to the Aquarian age, this lifetime.

I have a new obsession, read more to see.

One friend lovingly calls them 'puta red' pumps. I'm not complaining. I am out there on the lookout for the perfect red pumps.

A person highly influential in my life tied me up again in a heated coversation. The person is always questioning my 'epicurean' ways of living life, my material attachment on anything, some know-it-all person that is. If the person only stops clinging to moral ascendancy, the person will know how materially-detached I am.

Sometimes, you'd be surprised some foul primitive entities know how to stop after all. Maybe they are over and want to live life. Well, I live my life to the fullest (in every sense of the word), enjoying the peak of my career, and over things, but I definitely do not forget to hurt with devastating proportions the persons who hurt me. This is a vow, between me and astral beings, that I intend to keep.

Undoing Journey

2007-05-27T09:14:00.000+08:00

The best advice I got my entire life came from my bestfriend:

Those who hate you are incapable of enjoying you. Let go of those who do not regard you the way you should be. Soar, and fly high, never return to the pigsty where you came from.

She may not remember that, and I was being nonchalant when she said those words (sms actually). I never really understood the profound meaning of those gentle words, until now.

Pain, no matter how cliche this will sound, is inevitable, however suffering is optional. I am 24, and there are few lessons I learned from everything the cosmos throws at me. Letting go is not a favor done to the other person, it is a gift you give yourself, a benchmarker to indicate that you have an acute grasp of how the natural laws operate, and that you only yield to what is natural and constructive for you; let go, and move on, move up.

Another lesson learned, anger is a mirror of ignorance. You would have to focus on your emotions, disregard reasoning and logical causes, carry some force you have not created, and throw the concept of consequence out of the window to be capable of anger.

Classic example, a deserted lover, won't eat, won't sleep, won't come to work, call in sick, burn cash drinking all night til morning, harass the guy in deep anger, walk in the suspected third-party girl's office and make a raving scene. Unmindful of the reality that probably her family is counting on her to be home and sober because her mom is dyslexic and weak and old, that her younger brother has asthma and it's her job to give him his medicines, unmindful that the money spent in excessive drinking can be used to settle their bills, unmindful of the fact that she has just committed social suicide by waltzing through uninvited, that she just made herself look desperate, which on her usual frame of mind, wouldn't think of doing.

Does loving really mean abandoning logic? I beg to differ.

The girl must be in deep anger, and when you are solely absorbed to your anger, you slowly turn ignorant, about many things.

When understanding and enlightenment of who you are comes, and when you have assimilated the genuine use of negativity and pain, then you break free from ignorance, and hatred.

Remaining in hatred for long merely attests on how degenerate your understanding is, and how your natal equipments have not evolved complex enough to grasp intangible concepts and the myriad facets of consequence and balance.

Yes, balance, the funadamental teaching of my familiars and spirit guides, the imprint of Wicca I will hold on ad infinitum.

Speaking of Wicca, someone (who claims s/he can tell :D) used to say my entry to Wicca, Paganism, my spiritual transformation is a mere identity crisis. ROFLMAO! I didn't think anyone agreed with that disillusioned nonentity. For someone who claims to be a master of astrology, should know better than make baseless predictions. People like that always proves the statement knowledge doesn't come with age, it comes to those who use their head. Identity is so far removed from spirituality, perhaps that person will opt to hold on to the false natal information I gave unconsciously, goddess I love my intiution!

Letting go is not resigning to defeat, it is accepting that you cannot take hold of another person, you can only control yourself and how you react and respond to situations.

Quiet Letter

2007-05-08T10:16:00.000+08:00

You make me vulnerable, I am slowly turning into an open wound, it has yeilded, now the veil flew out, into a cloudy illusion, I fell into the trap. I've witnessed countless unfortunate hearts wretched, but my headstrong, obstinate passion kept gambling, my sanity at stake.

Why do I have to see through you now, I have been with you for around six years, I never noticed what they notice, and now I am calm, and hating myself, and you drive me to drink alcohol more than what I would normally take.

There may be something my fire could do to salvage my drowning will, before things become too late, all too late. I am well aware that I am playing with fire, and your not having the time is aggravating, fueling the flame until it's too empowering to stop.

Replenish me quick, before I completely cut off this seven-year chain and take the jump, again. Not again, I cannot take another gamble.

My demise, you were a non-entity then, I didn't know you, all I had was an oblique memory of you and your legendary reputation. I only saw you, just now. Now I'm back to smoking, I smoke again after almost a year of quitting, because of you, this is all your fault.

Don't do this, do not make me ruin my home, a home I built for seven years. Stray beyond my senses, do not make me feel every inch of your breath, do not make me see every wrinkle that form beside your thick glasses whenever you pout or make a raving point. I won't be a hesitant friend, never again, never you.

Shadow Critters

2007-05-04T11:48:00.000+08:00

I walked through the whole week a little heavy, and no thanks to the Full Moon in Scorpio, the cosmic dike holding my inner tension just gave out in a very ceremonial, intensely private, teary outburst.

Like usual, no living, breathing creature got hold of the genuine score. I haplessly, to some girlfriend's dismay, even claimed that I am an emotionally organized being LOL! And that's not me being candid yet, I was dead serious on that quip. I am practically enslaved to that red pulp for now.

The moon most probably explains why someone is slowly earning my disgust. Actually, make that two persons. I can die of suffocation just watching the person smother motherhood and shoving them down to everybody's nerve. Just so you know, motherhood is not the be end and all of womanity, and while you, given that you choose to be a babymaker, feel entitled to some rights, us hardowrking single women, given that we choose to remain single and successful, are equally entitled to perks. Fulfillment are tiered into various degrees, and while some women like them, content themselves with succumbing to the natural equipment of child-bearing, a select few choose not to settle on nature, to chart success and achievement most women never experience.

I mean sure, if it's not impolite enough that you course your invitation through another person via sms, you had to give off and implicit a wave of indignance, requiring your guests subliminally that they rejoice with your new-born addition. I have nothing against kids, much less to mothers, but please do not expect me to jump up and down in sentimental joy because you were too stupid to grasp the idea of contraceptive. If I remember clearly, you were carrying a three-month old litter (oops baby) last December, and here you are again, irresponsibly contributing to global warming. What gives? Give your vagina a break, and I don't mean the other thing.

So yes, this:

[insert name here]'s new baby's christening will be on saturday, 4pm. Let's welcome...[insert name here] said everyone coming will meet on [time], at [place]. Those with no replies won't be included in the headcount.

I DO MIND the recklessly unethical sms. And no thanks, but I have a cat to feed, a neutered cat at that. If you can wheedle everyone into being ecstatic for what you considered 'fulfillment', you would have to stitch your vagina back and again a million times before you could solicit a fig of empathy from me. Now scram and make some more babies in peace, try to leave normal human beings out.
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Shadow Exposed

For the nth time, Id stress on this natal phenomenon that I never had to fish for anything in my life, all of everyone's secrets come peeled off in front of my eyes without a single effort.

A staggering, outrageously unbelievable, organization-threatening secret was just revealed to me, and I am still in state of shock. I NEVER saw it coming, the synchronity of the universe!! When it comes to the most hidden of things, the secrets and knowledge themselves come crawling into me, and there was not a time that I had to stretch beyond my steady effort to dig them up.

Now I have a responsibility too huge for comfort. I still have not strategized an effective plan to deal with the overwhelming information, I need time and a clear mind before making any decision. Since my objectivity is compromised whenever I am involved, I will have to wait until such time that I attain complete abstraction from the subject.

Also, I learned new things from my not-so-new living partner. There's just too many revelations thrown at me by life.

Swivel

2007-04-30T17:41:00.000+08:00

So far so great, this is how I describe the changes I am currently going through. I wasn't exactly born on a golden crib, but my far-from-charmed life underwent immense alterations, and I am glad with how I coped with the cut.

Segue:
Now where did your swordfish tongue go?? I know, it's hard to lose, especially when everyone (outside your bigoted circle of 'chums' perhaps) knows you're a world-renowned idiot. :p

Nothing is more rewarding than going to places few skeptics thought you'd never go, and they actually learning, with much neausea, that you just made a quantum leap off their capacity charts, talk about boomerang. Someone I used to know said If you intend to rival against someone, take it outside your rival's court, well, that could be precise, but I won't find out, as there is no competition to begin with :D

Now, if I can only wipe the hearty smile off my face, I can write better here :) :) :) Just like what my good good friend said, We are laughing hard on our way to the top.

Speaking of that friend, It was a weekend evening when we crashed into the best quiet, quaint cafe' I know for a thank-you dinner. It was superb, and I'm ecstatic on how he'd take it, considering that I owe him a lot, and that he's very critical on things, including food (A Virgo in every way). I'm happy he liked it, and we wrapped the evening with his beer bottle and my Singapore Sling-with-popping-Cherry glass.

Remembering Who I am

2007-03-20T12:25:00.000+08:00

Two major drifts on Gaeia is taking place, first Spring Equinox, then Oestara. I hardly see the beaming promise of light, for my eyes are blinded with that deafening, empty, dark void. I am slowly being liberated from the results of my past, and yet I am also confronted by the challenge of self-undoing, uniting with the absolute, surrendering to the creative astral forces. This online shrine is a remarkable admittance of defeat, the shadow soul. For while in search of the self, I have come to the astounding truth that I have committed imbalance acts, "sins", I have, in the past, involved with hurtful actions with my eyes wide open, and that the most potent way to settle with my darkness is to face the hidden shadow of the self, for only in facing up and yeilding to the seemingly-endless void that I can experience my complete, true self.

I am most truthful and healed in the dark and shadows, and this is not something I blabber just to sound illogically sublime. An objective map of my life will show intense energies put into actions as my means to settle the universal score. This primitive, primal, untamed intelligence, which, though a natural aspect of existence, is overshadowing the light. Looking back, I can assess, with much comfort, that unsettled issues with the past has brought out my most stinging, strongest self. I do not intend to dwell in the illusory idyll of light, to be fleeting, like a feather, insignificant, half-real. My grand purpose is to strike a teeming equilibrium between the shadow and my lightness.

I am divinely connected with Lillith, and notwithstanding my pain and agony, I refuse to be tamed. I embrace the Dark Moon. I do not deny myself of malevolent motives, I am keenly aware of my periods of exile. Though their careful words renewed my place for vindictiveness, I have the will to see through nurturing me, for I have my interest to think about, and deflect on my rage that were treated unfairly. I weave The Self as fated in my soul's imprint, as written in my ancient memory, making it real, the highest and most sacred humility I create for myself. I undo and let go, willingly walking the long and empty void, and emerge full and one.

Hug thee thy dream,
Poor fool! I am no dream, who offer thee
Rapture and peace at cost of sterile pride.

Thou dost deny and question, but mine eyes
Gleam on thee, being lit with alien light;
My lips proclaim thee mysteries; mine arms
Are bond for all thy doubts, not mist nor mud,
But all that Gods desire and fools reject:
Behold me!

My name thou knowest not, and yet shalt know,
And know too late. But know thou this indeed:
Joy is my sister, sister I to Death.

He conquers me
Who dares to pay my price. My price thou
Know’st.

— Excerpts from the lyric play Lilith,
written by George Sterling in 1919.

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Motherhood Becomes Me

It was painful to look at, he wouldn't leave the carrier, much less take his sight off me, but it has to be done, and so I endured one scorching saturday afternoon to take my furry kid Tristan to this major plight.

The most difficult part is really the recovery period. Unlike my elder cat Oscar who was confined for a day in the private animal hospital, Tristan was under the gentle hands of Doc Ami of Ph Animal Welfare Society (PAWS), and so I have to watch him recover without any dextrose. I could have taken him to his private doctor, but I really love to help PAWS in any way I can, every single penny that goes into the institution will help, besides, neutering is a normal surgical procedure cats undergo, with less complications for Tristan since he's a Tom.

Now he's ok, his playfulness and wacky attitude still intact thank goddess.

Collected Ashes

2007-03-10T17:38:00.000+08:00

The shadow soul remained in shadow for it traveled an early life with the stigma that the self is unsafe for expression, that somehow, the truth is not true enough for some less-sharp beings, that whatever you could offer to the world is less than acceptable.

Of Plutonian, this 12th House native has already witnessed the harrowing pain of a subdued reality, almost two decades of veiled, manifested, cautious mask. The abject rejection in store for any one in this path cuts deep to the core, and if you are not strong enough to survive the early aspects of your destiny, you expire, perish, and wallow in something worse than physical death.

Unlike most similar to my solar aspect who, by way of assimilation, gives immense weight to emotions, the shadow soul processed by way of the intellect, due to the confusing limbo the outer ego suffered, everything has to occur inside, all events needed to be cut down to every chunk internally, mentally seeking order in an otherwise externally chaotic life. I have so much gratitude to express to the
cosmic equipment that is my Scorpion intellect, for again, in another reincarnation, the faculty of my thinking proved to be a far greater survival tool than guts, or attitude, or courage.

I would say my acute mental faculty consistently gathered my ashes so I can rise again in a higher realm.

Now in this new armor, there is nothing more in this life that I value most than the SELF. Anyone who dare question it, twist it, degrade it, or force change in it will recieve the fullest fury of my wrath, and I will devastate til there is no room for reprisal, and gain for as long as he returns to earth life, karmic, sartable, venomous consequences. I shed blood and many lives to build everything that is me. I've set the wager extremely high, sacrificing families, friends, lovers, reputation, peace, money, popularity, social credit, and public identity for it. My past is a dark, dreary, dirty, sleazy, torturous spiral that leads to an overwhelmingly high mountain of awakening.

It may have sounded as if I sold my soul to the devil, well, it's not a bad comparison, for at least with the devil, there is a return to the selling you made, but with this Scorpion, every life, persona, anima I shed off is a bloody sacrifice, like literally sloughing off your skin from the flesh while you're awake, I watched myself bleed, fully conscious, writhing with every single pain and grief.

International women's day, I say, is a lousy excuse for women to be weak. Since they (not me) are so content with being curbed from realizing their strength, be it in the form of seduction, they live their daily miserable lives like a square peg in a round hole, bootlicking on everything man-made: society, religion, law, etiquette.

Go celebrate it, at least once a year you can relive how it is be who you are, a full woman, tomorrow the entire female populace can go back to their head-splitting mediocre lives, count me out, I'd rather celebrate my dead fish Tinka's fourth death anniversary, seriously.

Of Plutonian,
The slave of Lillith,
The daughter of Minerva,
Stop listening and heed this 12th House prisoner,
Hear the steady heartbeat, like a drum roll
as I rise from Brigid's dark womb,
I, woman.

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Downward Light

I kept heading south these days, since Mars turned direct last March 7, I see no evidence of me
taking the "high" and lofty path of mental stimulation, for all I did was mingle (in every respect) to menial strangers I don't know, and get so much satisfaction learning about them and knowing
who/what they are.

On the outside, and this is no surprise, as always, the inert, oberving, silent facade I perfected reigned supreme most of the time, personal space is something I extremely protect and I will kill if invaded. One acquaintance who saw me called me "shy these days". I expected that, the recent energies impel many people to take their time and think hard before manking any decisions and move.

As immobile as I appear externally, there is an overwhelming storm of internal movement in my head. Dexterity is not the best word that fits me, and no one will guess how many debauchery sessions I've graced for only three to four evenings, not to mention a coffee party with a friend as a nightcap. I myself am surprised as to where my strength is coming from. I still have an entire module to study and yet I am keeping it at bay, in exchange for a meaningful conversation and lavish social display.

This is the gift of Mercury, it's not everything cerebral, it is a unity of senses, it can be visceral, my antennae to the world all tuned up, and I do not intend to rush things (as I usually do, I am a spoiler, I anticipate and plan everything), I will enjoy every second of this change.

And why south?? All the time I've dedicated myself to pursue and indulge in the weight, all the situations are in search of something heavy, or dark, or unexplored. I recently just pushed someone outside of his limits and challenged his best work, and because of that, he has since then, been exceeding his maximum potential, going beyond what he thinks he can do best. Defying rules and conventions is something I've grown keen these days. Everything I involve myself with seemed like a burden, but If you look closely, I am making people better, more fiery, more passionate.

On a private search, nothing I describe can compare to the cross-quarter healing. Its radiance and impetus beauty reminding me of how long I've passed by, and how tenacious the remaining road will be, I am quantum leap far from my past life, and I have never been so ready to face life than now.

Cosmic Genesis

2007-02-23T09:11:00.000+08:00

Honesty, a rare find lately. Whenever I let down my fences and actually believed in persons, all I have to do is wait for my solar return or my severn-year Saturn aspect and every illusion these monkeys (no offense to intelligent primates) build come blowing right off their faces.

Much like a travel of a Solar Scorpion in the 12th House of the wheel (To those enemies/stalkers out there, that small piece of information must be a giveaway haha), The world, the sinner, the devil, and the saint, pretty much describes who I am. A veiled eye who needed to walk down the darkest pit of underworld, the high of drugs, the sleaze of sex, the clashing guilt of killing, then rise up to the peak of his/her etheric mountain buoyed with that dignity and poise s/he carries with him/her all the way from the mud. I am the storm and destroyer, then I become my own aide and heal my personal iniquities, I have lived a full seven burnings, deaths, rises, and rebirths. At 24, I have completed a circle, and survived the first phase among the many more stages of cosmic blows the universe throws at me.

I am divine perfection in the making, and the lessons of my past and present lifetimes, they are my personal trainers.

Of course, no one of divine perfection walks out without a new career hahaha! After two quarters of mind-bending depression and lull idleness, I finally snapped out of it and summoned enough strenght to fix my career.

As anyone familiar with mythology probably knows, (save THAT someone feigning depth and knowledge, but try exchanging a 60-second conversation, and then the IDIOCY and mentally-arrested quips slips, Like have you ever talked to someone who's only response to your elaborate opinion is a fucking smiley?? like you can see steam blowing off the person's scattered brain, this is worse.) Pluto is the rose-colored glass, a transformer, a dark alley, the pain of change before emerging into a new, higher, regenerated self, ruled by Minerva.

Last edited: 06:30AM, February 25, 2007 by ShadowSoul

I worked pinstakingly hard to reach whatever it is I attained now (which I am not telling, god forbid unless that pretentious jabroni thinks he is armed with ESP), and so I lavish and indulge in braggadocio.

I still keep my routines inside and outside work, but at this rate, it will be achingly hard to claim that you know me, don't swear it.

**update

I must say, Pluto, being my ruler, and Lillith, being the planet's Goddess, are my favorite beings, and the 12th House, my celestial domicile. It was a veeeerrrrrrry slow process into awakening, a twenty two year-long spring cleaning, and although I cannot claim I have resolved and illuminated every lesson of my 12th House, I managed to conquer Two of my major and most vital cosmic planets, like a sunken treasure, I have now come to terms with the two giant energies, I have united with their rhythms, I have united with me.

Back to the Jabroni, yes, the person may probably be experiencing issues and problems, well sorry for being unsympathetic, but problems? 20 years, my cup of tea, there is nothing probably worse than living my life, so with how things moved and changed, I show no reprieve to such non-entities, I have only room for antipathy.

Some raving ape, in a miserable attempt to sound sublime, said she cannot choose what will happen to her, but she can choose how to react to them.

Now excuse me while I roll on the floor laughing, but there is not even a saving grace in that line, so much for trying too hard, and I beg to disagree, but that claim poses a question on logic and science. Events are by-products of decisions, yours and somebody else's, what we lack is control over someone else's decision, (Yes, no matter how intimate you are, influence can only do so much as scratching the surface, and even if you try by sleeping with the person, doesn't work all the time), but situations progress to people in various ways because of choice, the one defining variable of event, my choice, your choice, two people facing identical situations will assimilate events differently and conclude to a dissimilar event.

I cannot believe I even tried to befriend the chipmunk during my second transit with Saturn, the plague of my 11th house has finally taken toll on my conscious ego, thank the Universe!

This is another of my several fresh start, several, because knowing how my tricky solar vibrations work, I am walking through the road filled with discoveries and searches, more questions, more answers, more transformation, many more new beginnings. I can see a vague form of Minerva, and it will take long before I probably catch a full view of her, but the trip to the personal height is worth the wait.

Blood and Dust

2007-01-28T11:22:00.000+08:00

The night in Sanctuario held my life on a thin thread. It was a dangerous act surviving "him". My head struggled, my mind gasping, he reluctantly played along. The earlier hours, in all its turbulent noise and unnecessary pleasantry, pale in comparison to the hours following them. He quietly sat and waited for the tea, I carefully observed how his hand moved from a glass to the crystal holder. I am filming, I am visually documenting a rare silent conversation that may never happen again.

Hotel was no different. I was told that afternoon by the nosy concierge that he prepared a moderately expensive chardonnay, as a surprise. I glided from the front door to the coffee couch adjacent to the suite's mini-bar...

I, we, still said nothing. Liar, the concierge got fooled, I saw a quaint, tinted bottle of sparkling wine dominating the edge of the dining deck. Beside it, my favorite herb and flower; delicately-wrapped rosemary potpouri and a lofty bouquet of lavender. The smell of lvender, rosemary, and champagne were altogether intoxicating. I sauntered towards the sleek wine glass, and waited for him to pour me my share. I gulped down the wine like water, in my mind, trying to drown the unsaid words one by one. The wine is a life saver.

He wouldn't speak, we drank sparkling wine for hours, and said nothing. Then he brought out a box of tobacco, never had tobacco for achingly long time, let alone cigarette. At that rate, I'm chunking down every logical piece as to why I was there. All the empty luxury and bold gestures, the design and backdrop, a performance with no fnale.

I never got my ending, on with the stage act.

Outer Divide

2007-01-04T15:12:00.000+08:00

Saturn-Neptune conjunct, reveal the incandescent veil of the midheaven, tie my will side by side with the rooted earth, and make me thread the dusty road of your 10th house, guardians, hear the ancient voice of your karmic incarnate.

The mysterious girth of the zodiac wept that full Scorpion moon...

When Gaeia unleashed her heavy rains, when the fiery Mars motioned to sabotage, disclosing the hardened will of a secret enemy.

In a new Aquarian dawn, divide me to the catastrophic transits of your cosmic jewels, steadily escaping the promise of Pluto. Lillith cleared the smoky illusion, the wounded healer whirled back to the spiral. I return to myself.

The 11th house soared, a spectacle of followers bowed down. As Jupiter progressed to the familiar embrace of Sagittarius, I end the charade and parade of the old face.

The piercing channels of Mercury Quincunx my Earthy Midheaven. This is like having a tiger face a full-body mirror with you on his back. After probably a few (make that VERY few) choice words with the receivers, the universe is shaking the skies to make me do what I should have done eons ago. Nothing and no one escapes the tentacles of my intense Mercury (and that I have demonstrated proof too), and the rhythm of life just shouted to my ears mind-bending truths I SHOULD NOT, and normally would not learn. I may perhaps be repeating myself again (redundancy intended), but euphemisms and nerve-numbing niceties do not get past my antennae undetected. And I don't know what I did or acted that made several monkey wrenches think I embrace euphemisms and nerve-numbing niceties (and seriously, I didn't say I do, my mouth doesn't have a brain of its own you know, unlike SOMEONE I know, it follows what my scattered head thinks so), but I seem to be getting dished an extravagantly enormous amount of those, too much so that it makes me want to uproot my hair strands and scram.

Head-splitting, vomit-inducing pretentious civility all the while they're shitting on your head is the hottest trend. What people don't see or know (you normally, hopefully, do check your head once in a while for a shit-check) won't hurt them, unless that person happens to be me. When it becomes me, bootlicking turns into a daunting task.

Some creatures just have so much energy to build up masks and pretense, well this water native doesn't. After a million skin-shedding, I think it's about time for another.

Mercury-Saturn polarity - this year from Aquarius to Leo is the last straw, dousing natives with boiling water into realizing the profound need for finances and monetary stability. Amplified by the cross-quarter moon in Taurus, no words suffice then, when a time comes, the time comes.

Discord

2006-12-10T14:27:00.000+08:00

What really happened the month of my solar return, and beyond.

To wrap it up, my astrologer said this:

You'll have the rug pulled out from under you by someone you deeply trust.

A phenomenal decline, of spirits, morale, and all en banked to my career and fulfillment, with the tenth house in Virgo, any astrologer can easily surmise a falling out of anything career-related is a definite crush to my spirit, a drown so deep. I never had enough backbone to tell anyone about how this external discord shattered the outer expression of my ego.

Last November, new moon entered Scorpio the same time when Uranus ended its retrograde. Mercury turns direct in Scorpio as well, and with all these tragic union to my sun sign, Jupiter overwhelmingly opposed my Saturn. When Samhain marked my month, I embraced the hallows eve, accompanied by my familiar, a slow sleepy giant named Oscar, representing the notion of slowing down and being wise. I prayed the crone to show herself that night, and throw me some reason as I dissected every logic left in me to answer questions hurled at me during my three-month "episode." I can feel my arms stretched to opposite sides, the early transits warning against anything rush, while the late cosmic movements pulling me to turn will into action. Now, thanks to my already-screwed up mind, I am placed in the weakest personal limbo. I can almost see my head exploding, scattering my useless fatty brain chunks on a crimson floor.

It began August, whatever cosmic influences crept to my backbone, one August night debuted this tragedy.

It's now December, and I gave up the idea of that. Now, I am going to take anything, just to move on.

And yes, I believe now to the adage that hard times are a genuine measurement to any relationship. Someone can't spare a penny to salvage my spirit and redeem my heart. Ah, the bogus masquerade, just to buy their time.

It's not just situation that plunges me down to depression, it's the people I thought I can lean on who are not there, I don't want them perfect, I just want them to know when I can be ignored and when I badly needed help.

Yes, now I know who I need to treasure. In fact, I don't regret this ever happened at all. It's better I knew about this early.

Whatever concoction of endearment you said, they mean nothing to me now, worthless. I hate to waste my time on people not worth my time, and when we speak of worth, I reckon you do have it.

As if this is enough consolation, This is still the most meaningful birthday of my life, I have with me the most valuable people in my life. This is a personal victory, nothing public happened, this is a sacred event. Inside, I am blanketed in happiness, albeit internal. I know the people I'll keep.

Yes, it took me two months to put all those into bad writing.

Excuse me for neither having the money nor the time, nor the resources to give in to your juvenile whines, you hoped (or would hope) that I regard you, then do something highly regarding. It is not my freaking job to make it exponentially easier for you. What a weakling, if you loose all those social adornment, you'd be exasperatingly empty, but me, I'd be fine, nothing will change, I can just trash everything now, a woman like me has got nothing to loose, Id be in the same spot before and after dropping everything, so I guess I should pity you, and normally, I don't make close friends with entities that are objects of my pity.

Sweet Arrival Shadow Welcome

2006-11-09T07:37:00.000+08:00

Sheer bliss and happiness, he is the sweetest thing. He has a name too, he bathed, and the money I spent cat-shopping reached the high heavens.

I could go on and on yakking about my new baby, but the photos speak for my quiet delight over the new furbaby I rescued. I was giddy with excitement, my King of the hall Oscar loves him to bits.

As soon as I have time, I shall update my pet photo blog, Can't wait to immortalize Tristan's many firsts <3 Definitely, I wasn't there when he first said hello to the world, but I am the only living soul who redeemed him from the cruel fold of our back neighbors. Cars speed the private streets so fast it'll spin your head, not minding a simple fact that this is a residential estate, as if they dropped their brains somewhere while their steroid-laced rocks engage in headless road rage.

I wanted to name him Bryan, because phoentically it sounds great to a cat's ear, and as I said before, I like giving my furbabies "human" names. Then again, my sister wanted Tristan, and being the high-maintainance brat that she is, i succumbed to her taste.

He is a feisty, restless, shameless brat, he kept Oscar awake the whole night when he would usually be rolling on my bed, fast asleep. Tristan got his fair share of uh "tour", the first day Oscar briefed him how it goes around my house, and everytime Tristan forgets the sleepy giant is King, he'd be trolled down the stairs or outside the window on the neck asap. Oscar showed no repreive for the attitude, and my new duo is slowly causing me sleep-deprivation.

Tristan checking his new crib

Nope, I didn't mind the exponentially harder cleaning, my more frequent wheezing, the yucky hairball strewn all over my vinyl floor, the more litter box to scoop, higher veterenary cost, the incresed fee for the maid, the aircon guy, the pumped up household repair bill on my mail, the smaller space in my room and study, none of those matter, even my uber-sensitive, asthmatic sister agreed to replace airconditioning unit into a new, air-sanitizing, ionized brand just so I can keep my cats. Just one hilarious chase sequence for catmomma and everything is all worth it! They drain my daily take-home dose of stress and fatigue out of my system as they greet me in the front door whenever I come home from work, a date, or a party, they loove it oh so much when their pillow and beddings are not washed for marking's sakes. my lips curve into a funny grin when I hear Oscar's loud collarbell as he race down the stairs to headbutt my leg, when Tristan scratches my room door whenever I lock up insde, he's there begging me to let him in (Which reminds me, need to ask for a repainting quote next week, those doors better look fresh before my father sees them first.)

Obviously, these monsters have turned me into a willing catslave, and I am enjoying every minute of it.

Make no mistake, following them all day to make sure there's no blood is not a walk in the park. As all cats are, Oscar's territorial streak ruled the first week Tristan moved in. He would grab Tristan by the neck and dump him somewhere less comfortable and as far away as possible from his favorite spot. It gets really serious, sometimes. Oscar's fang wrapped around Tristan's fragile belly, my when I saw that, I thought I'd be spending my Samhain in a vet hospital. But after a few nose-shaking, it took no time before they become familiar with each other. Now, they're even sleeping side by side, with Tristan imitating every single move Oscar makes. look, he would watch how Oscar lies down, and do exactly as Oscar does, sure cracked me up before I dozed off.

This huge change is in part, credited to my shadow soul named Cerredwen. Recognized, assimilated, discarded. Thank you for haunting me in my transient moments, and for making my evenings a million times more difficult for the last twenty years, I owe you a lot. Wish me luck on the nightmares.

Last edited: 11:00AM, November 9, 2006 by ShadowSoul

Episode and Starvation

2006-11-08T05:55:00.000+08:00

It all started one boring day after work, I decided to take a detour to the mall before hitting the sack, hoping to find a jaw-dropping, bombshell dress for a party I was hell bent to attend. The timing was ripe, with the Sun stepping into the gates of Scorpio on a waxing moon, I am all to transform myself into someone when I walk in that ball.

Miscommunicative inner voices perhaps, the Merc retrograde Sun conjucting Pluto must have slipped my faulty mind. I thought I was in for a beauty change. So I started hopping from one boutique to another, first stop, an empire-cut midlenght satin gown in jade, their biggest size won't fit; next stop, a vintage-looking wrap-around draped linen dress, and for heaven's sake, a wrap around, and I looked ridiculous. I am not wild about hopes and self-flattery, so after the second shop, I stopped on my track and realize I have become fat, gross, space-consuming, heart-failing, flab-infested fat. I sensed a wave of depression hit me that I wanted to eat, but then the depression I derived from being fat is stronger than my depression-driven impulse to eat, so I folded and walked out.

I regress mentally, college, I was so thin I could fit in any blouse or shirt I fork out from a 99P-sale booth, the smaller the better actually, since It emphasized my proportionally-meaty figure that would look voluptous on a small shirt. Baby tees and tight jeans ~~are~~ were my thing then. Fast forward, I turn into this slob I couldn't recognize. My skin may have looked better, but I now have a strange fear of gaining another pound.

And so I have been soothing my hunger for the last four days with nothing but wheat bread, crackers, bagle, water, juice, fruits, Pan de Sal. Talk about regenerative transformation. The planets are making a big fool out of me. I am a fat cosmic joke. Yes, I am not eating another grain of rice, and even though I had a mind-bending headache yesterday out of, well, probably malnourishment, I am not going to bulge until I see that woman four years ago the next time I face the mirror.

Motherhood Becomes Me

I have a new Arrival, and he was unexpected, I just woke up one day to find a kitten stuck in my balcony railing, and now, he's turned in and is driving my resident King, Oscar, nuts. I named him Tristan. Oscar is in a bit of angry mode since he was never used to sharing anything with anyone, and now he has to share his space.

And so now I wake up smiling, they greet me with a scary chase sequence, normally with Oscar on Tristan's neck. Whenever Tristan would loitter, Oscar would carry him on his neck like a mother and lick Tristan. I hope Oscar realizes it's not his responsibility since he's not the dad, but he's been really kind and patient (unless the kitten bites Oscar's tail, that's deal breaker), the King of my home is a trooper.

Also, something truly worth cracking happened when me and my bestfriend Porn viewed something from someone, but I am not going to waste a blog entry on such non-entities, all I can say is I migrated old entries I left out to make sure I have a reason to crack, and so this litany ends in the period.

Cosmic Tsunami

My solar return is fast approaching, and with Saturn opposing Neptune, the planet of deep inner spirituality and dreams, the universe puts an invisible pressure on me to finally snap out of the cloud and know my priority. I am not experienced with Astrology but as a Pagan, I know that when five major planets unite in my Sun sign, one in retrograde, the forces are regenerative. The sun in Scorpio has been a difficult, and it has only been few days.

Nostalgia

2006-10-31T05:54:00.000+08:00

She sat, staring blankly on an empty space. Her restless fingers tapping the stained glass, echoing an annoying sound that breaks the deafening silence of the room. She left the door ajar, welcoming and tempting ghosts to distract her idleness. She must have stirred unknown entities, there were noises in her ear, her voice the loudest.

The cussing words of the invisible void is darn more annoying than the sound of a caterwauling cat. Devilish thoughts dripping her consciousness, waiting to be actualized, in active form, refusing to remain a mere potential demon. Uncertainties knock her doors like tennants, the sadness is feeding her addiction. Truth knocks her head off like an urgent stupor, cleansing her self-made illusions while breaking her spirit into smithereens.

she Embraces the mindful gift of silence. Staring, tapping.

Come hither, closer to my hungry bossom. I can sense your bitter urgency.
I give you a sweet offering of the moist pale cluster.
You said no. It has been surrendered to your buds
tasted it, devoured it, memorized its lovely contour with your fingertip.
consumed it, used it, abused me. Yes, in your random sadism I lay the pulp of passion.

Make it linger a little longer, make it melt a little warmer. In the lapses of your bedouir spare me some ghostly hours, for seeking and beconing, for mercy and forbidden. A resolve of the forces before I disappear into the midnight curse.
You said no.

For a miser does not denounce its monster, so does the mirror cannot deny its image. Your perverted tapestry has chosen to prolong, in the fashion of your dangerous brocades your creation staunchly remained.
You said no.

Madness is now irreconcilable. Thirst unquenchable. I have gripped into the venomous bond, and ye hast broken the chain.

No.

Doctor:

Apologies for missing our last session. The last weeks have very fruitful, doc, the zephyr learned a few tricks in concealing her delusions. She purchased herself a conventional entity called a boyfriend. The new merchandise was fully operational, doc. I can see his wisely-calculated senses are extremely sensitive to visceral stimulants, maybe I should desensitize the object doc, or return it to the shop for a number one.

Zephyr is currently distracted by tempting sight and smell of fine dining. She sauntered her way to every Greenbelt restaurant last weekend, doc, and she mercilessly binged like a pig.

She finally, to end her week, asked one stranger in the corner of a train station to slap her. The stranger was adamant and looked scared. Oh she must be, I am a dangerous person.

I douse my depression with my favorite beer, or write it down 'til my muse walks out of my mortal body and slaps me out of too much harassment. As of last night, I am on my 8th bottle, workin on my 9th.

Quaint Mirror

2006-10-28T04:54:00.000+08:00

The oval mirror reflected a stranger last night. The End is near. People erase memory, people die in my mind. They are castrated, and burned in the only hell that I know. The enemy permeates the translucent surface of my terror, and becomes a nameless face that scoffs dignity during the night.

Coffee seduces my illusions, the smoke of my dirt blurs the drive for killing. Diamonds, crystals, from dead affections walk around consumerist structures at high noon, like fearless zombies about to consume me.

The borrowed souls, some are stabbed to death in Bates motel, some with torned flesh and sloughed off skin that suffer immense torture from the wicked hands of my bitchy muse, this is how people die in my mind. They beg, and ache, and bleed crimson tides of blood and smothered flesh in the augmented pool of sin. They die, so do I.

In my mind, the rain collides with thunder today, the dark mood of the weather suites my depressed tone. Yes, maybe she is right, all I need is someone to affirm, that I am self-inflicting. This melancholic existence could not go on forever. I feel hindered by the same wall that I built, and this apathy is a product of the turbulent storms in my life, I NEED to bleed to feel alive, I need to be showered with life-shattering catastrophes to give meaning to my existence.This lethargy is causing in me some physical and mental paralysis, none of my works are in output, I don't know if this is laziness or that if I am cursed with temporal immobility. SOMEBODY awake me from my slumber.

Smoke, Beer, and Intercourse

2006-10-26T04:53:00.000+08:00

From the moment your soul
entwined within my very own
I felt the blood in the deep recesses
of my ethereal consciousness
rushing back to life,

moving as if it is iin it's own being.
Suddenly, I glimpsed through life
as no more than a speck of existence.
With pain as my torch,
I walked through the dark paths of life,
with every step I make becoming
an undying ember of torment,
and every fall I take leaving with me
perpetual scars of agony.

Hormonal Monologue

2006-10-25T04:52:00.000+08:00

When the going gets tough, sometimes, the doom mistress falls out and cowers.

*Few things to keep in mind, though. BIG changes are about to unfold this week, not to mention the sun returning to my home, Scorpio. Astrology.com writes:

The Sun and Mars enter intense Scorpio on October 23 where they conjunct on the same day. Venus follows into the same sign a day later on October 24 and gets together for a pow wow with both the Sun and Mars on October 25 and 27. In the midst of this mini-conference, the two social planets, expansive Jupiter and Saturn the rule-maker, square on October 25 as they figure out where cutbacks need to occur. As if this weren't enough, Mercury turns retrograde on October 28, bringing misunderstandings and communication snafus. Neptune, the dreamer, turns direct a day later on October 29, and what you want from life begins to fall into place.

Earthy Gloat

2006-10-12T04:52:00.000+08:00

I m so evil, Somebody said.

Since it's not my thing to throw cuss words, I can just deviate from my normal blogging routine and say this much, sarcasm-laced note on that evil jabroni, yeah of course, you are evil, as long as you don't count the number of times you were outwitted from behind just as the dull-witted mary jane big-tits that you are.

Sure doll, you are evil, just doin a lousy job watching your hide.

Seriously, because if you are as sartable as you profess, I wouldn't even have the chance to do what-I-just-did to you. I'm going to use the words my friends used, in the name of clarity, it was cunning, sneaky, brutal, insane, and evil. I don't know about you honey, but have you noticed lately how something around you seem to disappear, and how you cleverly arrived to the conclusion that they were removed? Poor Gemini-squaring-Libra scatterbrain, doesn't even know what hit her.

If I were to take you on an evil bootcamp, gawd, you are a saint. The fact remains that you are too beneath and with a brain too tiny to discern the screaming difference between knavery and honesty, and I was (and am) too much of a human to grovel down to your capacity and level.

So evil? don't start talking dear, you need a mind-blowing crashcourse.

So maybe this entry is useless, piece of garble designed for me to gloat on. Am I proud of what I did? Wrong synonym, no I am not lavishing on braggadoccio, it's more akin to a lunatic who finally proved his mad experiments. Now, more than ever, it is crystal clear and precise how vulnerable you and your fellow monkeys are, I could just sit around, run my DVD, and toy with everything important in your life, as you go chasing your tail like a deluded idiot.

Someone told me in my past life, that the best way to attack is to take it outside their courts. You damned straight right I am taking it far beyond what your limited intellect can reach. But hey, come on, it's not you're bad and all, I mean, you were a fancy toy baby, I enjoyed trolling your head in my hand :) I heard from friends spineless drones normally make great toys, I think my cat should have the likes of you for his birthday!!!

No, seriously, I read you are this muscle-pumped, penile-envous, testosterone-loaded New Jane in a Mary Poppins-I-heart-pink outfit, I am so proud of you, you go girl!!! What a tragedy you had to crash your skull against me. Now I am gonna live out there and be swell, and the next time I see through you, God knows whatever "disappears" are those you will miss the most. Tata

That Bend

2006-10-07T04:51:00.000+08:00

I think I'm in ecstasy.

I beg to differ this time from that normal high after popping that party pill I had few months ago, he is in my court, again. It's weird It feels more secure after we decided to leave, and now he's back with a vengeance.

I am not that sure if this is just one of those temporary euphoria I get after a guy sucks in to my will.

I have a feeling it's not.

No, it's not my (unceremonious) appearance on his solar return celebration, it's not the alcohol I took, or the conversation which lasted 6am the next day, it's his inherent skill to crawl back under my skin before I know it.

He is devious.
And I like it.

The Signs are Here, This is an Empty Highway

I remember clearly it all started a year ago, the search started, this entry is an attempt to make known the number of bridges I burned before continue with my walk.

For the first time, I feel like it's happening now, that plate filled with rotten dish, the garbage has been disposed, and now I begin with the same plate, only it's clean, ready to take a new fresh dish.

I was having a mental inventory of everything I lost, and gained, after that stormy phase in my early adulthood. I just have to replay it over and over to make sure I don't miss every single gain I made, the trip is well worth it, the value of my gains exponentially exceeded my losses, in fact, those were not actual losses, they merely represent trash I have been keeping for years, now, disposed.

Tonight is a full moon, when I gaze in that proud celestial jewel, I will remember the unwavering, constant, strange working of the cosmos to return, with finality, everything, just as how they were meant to be.

Naked

2006-10-07T04:50:00.000+08:00

My latest tarot report reveals:

Image - copyright 1998
Lo Scarabeo S.r.l.

The Seven of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in scruples. I will not cheat myself, look the other way, sneak or be distracted by superficial perceptions disguised as appeal, entitlement, rescue, comfort or security. In this stage I am not a victim and therefore, any advantage, temptation, or betrayal would be an inside job or come from a moment of opportunity in choosing to leave myself unprotected or exposed. I am empowered by expectation and opportunity and my virtue is forewarning or accountability.

My astrology natal forecast says:

Be a better person than the one you're currently dealing with, and take the first step toward reconciling. While it might feel momentarily satisfying to hold a grudge, starting over will benefit you both in the long run.

Intuitive, I better renew my subscription with this angel, many thanks to my online astrologer, who, despite thousands of miles separated from me, has vividly witnessed the truth to my core. yes, I am a selfish rat, so you will have to slice a meteor before I tell who this angel is :p

After dealing with several *issues* on MY terms, the next stupid thing I don't need to do is leave my fence unprotected and exposed. Whatever "short-term" gratification I am enjoying now, no matter how petty or juvenile my means were, I have successfully tipped the scale without dipping my own hands, and it will take little time before the object (Who I know all to well, the intellectually-scattered lower Gemini) starts snooping around, trying to exhaust every logical reason for the "demise". Definitely everyone is itching to point their fingers at me, the idea would be too far-fetched, after seven years, no one would think of doing what I did. Just as what universal balance taught me, I know the best shot is reconciliation, or rather, the appropriate shot. No, the object deserves anything BUT appropriate. I will not cheat myself, Are you serious? my expressions reveal so much of my motivations lately, like an open wound, this is my most naked action, I am not known for cheating myself. I am well aware of every side of my actions, I am well prepared for all and any reaction, carefully calculated an expected range of verbal violence coming from the other side, and when possible, all my actions will decidedly haunt me back, a battalion of losers gathered against me probably in few months, that is, if anyone is on the mood for a libel suit. I am shielded with steel armor, and even my insides are etched in stone. I am ready, I have spent seven years preparing for any attack, I have seven years of bootcamp experience. I have no scary-sounding promises, no empty vows, I just know, in a picture playing in my mind for weeks, this is going several skulls crushing against a concrete wall.

Passage of Karma is important on keeping anyone's feet on the ground, and no one knows that better than I do. My karma is served in advance, there is nothing anyone can do to me that is stronger, or weaker. I have crossed all the borders. Let me have my fun now.

Exhibition is Illusion, The vision of the self through the Clear quartz

2006-10-02T04:49:00.000+08:00

Venus made a very warm homecoming to Libra, signifying an internal sense of encouragement and peace. I saw that clear in the zodiac's girth, even the skies spell inner tranquility. You got that right, I slept like a baby last night, aggravated by the very fiery, passionate Mars in a battle against my natal Mars, nothing WILL go right, at least to those who unbashedly crossed me. The flames are just beginning to throw burn. Mercury in Aquarius went down on its knee, pleading the dead to lay its highest service, amasse what has been painfully taken, and restore its rightful place in the physical reality. The glass casket cracked, like a child's prayer shattered, the dead resurrected.

On a doomed Newmoon's evening, while standng between the threshold of the worlds, as Hecate blessed her with a lazy smile, a child looked through the bloodstone and saw a woman in rage, holding her armor in her right hand and a blazing torch on the other. Between an axe and a quill, familiarity is a clandestine enemy, it has been the quill's might who took over her for years, spent all the darkened moon's night intimidating the unspeakables with words, the child drowns the vague reality in an ocean of language made palpable through the medium of poetry. Her face is a nomadic fossil, mobile yet inert, running water and depart to he who dare violate her Capricorn subconscious, while in a staunch gaze, eternally afix a loving gaze to the countour of the enemy.

Mars Conjunct Pluto, in a terrible aspect bidding a go signal to the immortal fury of her Saturn, the child united with the woman, covered in her armor of pure inocent suffering and sated combustile hatred, as one it forged, dropping the diplomacy of the quill down to the sulphuric river of let-go, the familiar died, and gave birth to the axe.

The child smiled, and the woman darted ahead, minding only the visible scar of the renegade spirits, it seemed like yesterday when the Phoenix rose from the ashes, and now, retribution begins, the child kissed the forehead of the enraged woman who is bound to finish a war she didn't wage.

An old soul once told her "Your darkness shows without you knowing it". Retribution is the journey she readied for helpless hearts who took so much of her youth, her faith, her light. One circle out, newer self emerged, the childwoman looked down on them, with dried eyes, their tears will be my tears, for their faint heart was once mine, and I come back bound within the paragon of the warrior.

Akashic Rise

2006-09-23T04:49:00.000+08:00

image by Martin Pettersson

Crashing waves against the drowning shore, Lillith moved a few inches to despair, traversed the ebb of hopelessness. Counting, endlesss tick, minute by minute death manifests its invisible outline.

Mercury Square Mars, phosphorus external fire, combustile temper, of sexual expression, heightened well of energy. The torture stays where it belongs, the past, in the absence of the mechanical movement, cosmic sleep greets with ominous smile. All goes back to peaceful balance, as above, so is below, slow walk into the spiral, the anima returns, renewed outer self.

Saturn Semisextile the Virgoan midheaven. As the huntress releases its final venom, harboring anger walks out, critical, assertion to goals, of organization and tact, diplomacy raises personal power to the astral beings, unseen mentors in horrifying nightmare, the guardian of threshold's generosity. Immense conflict, struggle to move up, careful.

The universe seeks equilibrium, so shall it be.

Guiding Through the Celestial Jewel

2006-09-08T04:48:00.000+08:00

It was a full moon on the night of the Solar Virgo, as the Venusian beauty of charity and selflessness takes toll to my wounded Saturn, I survived a thorn-laced journey just as I would pass through a needle. The stinging return of these random acts of kindness reverbated tenfold.

Against what most belonging to the uber-sleek modern shift opine, life to me is no fastfood, it's not an easy-to-go cup of noodles packed in styro, I am human, and young, with my body pulsating with life, I too, eat fast, and yet I ascertain that I do so apprpriately. I do not eat finger food, or any food at that, while walking. Eating is not just eating to feed the stomach, dining is a celebration, which should also feed the soul. And When I feed the soul, I do not like to feed it by another sentient soul's flesh, even the simplest things nowadays have miserably lost their elegance, their purpose, their mood, and dining or eating tops the list.

Since it is a known fact that modern "yuppies" (sounds like a dog's name to me, but hey, the young are always excused) live life fast and sloppy, It can't be avoided that even the modern way of treating animals is arguably inhumane. Somebody told me that "Well, it is inhumane, because they are not humans." Goddess forbid I laughed at his face. What constitutes humane from the otherwise inhumane acts do not rest on the object of the act, but rather, is measured on the virtues that makes a man, man.

Let's say an English butchers an African American to death and sells his meat to a blood trader, and he can always say "My actions are very English, because the man I killed is black." It is an idiocy to validate an action as humane or inhumane, without forethought on what it is to be a man. Well, I have been human for nearly three decades, so there is nothing of man that I don't know. Man essentially is a complex marrow of intellect, and dignity, and aesthetic faculty for discerning beauty from the ugly. Watching an animal suffer while munching popcorn strongly poses a logical question to the person's intellectual capacity, and inner palatte of beauty and justice, so is murdering a neighbor, or expressively permitting another human being to err or cause you pain. It is inumane not because it is just a lower being, but because it is against logic and all human facultes to allow and permit such act.

Of course, I wouldn't grant him my indulgence of time just to pubicly humiliate him, so I let him settle into that moronic, rogue argument. Wasting my time for him just poses a question on my logic, after all.

With my celestial clock ticking against the modernity of the millenia, I am taking the time to see through the undeserved victims of inhumanity, with scales going to thousands on a daily basis, by giving so much of myself, my resources, my emotional well of energy, my compassion, Chiron the wounded healer is palpable, mending the silent scars of all my unspeakable pain. The evening when my Mars in Virgo squares my Sagittarian Pluto, the fullness of the moon endowed the silvery glow that sealed the unshakable resolve to put my muscle where my mouth is, physically motioning towrds commensuration of my goals and plans. It happens now.

A Love Letter for the Puddies

2006-08-28T04:47:00.000+08:00

*Sticky entry

I am evolving, Thanks to PETA, beacuse the news and events detailing the mass slaughter of dogs is sickening me, the first love letter I have written to His Excellency Zhou Wenzhong of China is not exactly telling of how I fancy their Tofu steak with Asparagus:

Click to read the letter>>

Do something, read on

Officials in Southwest China
ordered the extermination of more than 50,000 dogs in late July
after three people died from rabies.

Among the animals slaughtered were up to 4,000 dogs
who—despite being immunized against rabies—were
dragged into the street and strangled or clubbed to death in
front of their families. These awful deaths illustrate the
Chinese government's insensitivity to animals as well as its
complete lack of planning. There are humane ways to prevent
rabies outbreaks. Yet China has rejected our offers to help
implement procedures—including a simple four-point
plan—that would avoid such cruel killings.

China has no animal welfare laws whatsoever. That's why millions
of dogs and cats are strangled with wire nooses and beaten to
death every year so that their fur can be turned into trim and
trinkets for American and European consumers. China is the
world's largest supplier of animal skin and fur—and it
doesn't draw the line when it comes to domestic animals and
family pets.

The following are ways that you can help dogs and cats
in China right now:

Contact
the Chinese government and demand that it halt the further
slaughter of dogs.

Urge the Chinese government to
enact a strict anti-cruelty law immediately.
Don't let this massacre go
unnoticed. Write a letter to the editor of your local
newspaper or post the news on your favorite blog. Let the world
know about China's recent and shocking mass murder of dogs and
the need for a cruelty-to-animals law in the world's most
populated country.
Don't buy or
wear fur.

China supplies more than half of all
finished fur garments that are imported into the United States.
Because dog and cat fur is so deliberately mislabeled, the
bottom line is that if you're buying fur, there's no way to tell
whose skin you're wearing. And all animal lives are
precious.

Right now, China is listening to those who speak out for
animals. After intense international pressure, the Chinese
government has just halted its plan to give foreigners licenses
to hunt wild and endangered animals. Adding
your voice today to those demanding change in China could
help millions of animals.

Very truly yours,

Ingrid E. Newkirk

President

PETA

Astroramblings

2006-08-28T04:44:00.000+08:00

Pluto was downgraded to a mere dwarf, that doesn't change the inert and arcane energy of transformation and regeneration if sends to every form of life. Lillith remains watching, spying, feeling aevery heart's silent wound, listening to the wounded beat. Astrology.com provides these short summary of how are minds and senses become sharper and more attuned as the Sun and moon enters Virgo.

August 27: Mercury enters Virgo

Sharpen your pencils! Charge your PDAs! Your fertile mind needs something to do as this communication planet leaves fiery Leo and enters analytical Virgo on September 4. Mercury loves to be in this sign, one of its home signs (the other is Gemini). If you've been waiting to get your creative ideas into a form, the wait is over. Your mind hasn't been this sharp since, well last year when Mercury was in Virgo! Write that proposal, get the finishing touches on your film project done or create the perfect itinerary for your family vacation. Whatever your project is, your focus is at an all-time high. Just make sure you stay off the hamster wheel of turning the same thing over and over in your mind. Give your mind a job to occupy itself.

August 29: Jupiter trines Uranus

Are you ready to spread your wings? The motto for this aspect could be, 'something new; something different.' Your world is opening up and you are likely to reach out for new experiences now. Jupiter represents how you want to expand and improve your life, and in its current placement in Scorpio, the desire is to transform, to go deeper and to live more authentically and passionately. Jupiter's trine to individualistic Uranus gives tremendous support to free yourself from restrictive circumstances and anything that doesn't represent the truth about who you are. So, could it be time to make new friends or change jobs? Stay alert to the opportunities around you. People help give you the lift-off you need.

August 29: Mars squares Pluto

Sometimes what you want is not exactly what others think is best for you. As Mars has been traveling through hard-working, conscientious Virgo, you've been focused on getting your act together -- whether it's a health and fitness plan or getting your desk or countertops more organized. Pluto's placement in Sagittarius intensifies beliefs and so other people may have ideas about what you should do, and it looks like they are weighing in now. This is dictator energy; so watch your own tendencies to be a domineering, and if you know how to sidestep a control freak, now is the time to show off that talent.

August 31: Saturn in Leo opposes Neptune in Aquarius

Saturn represents building; Neptune represents the dream. Some of you are good builders; some of you are good dreamers. Globally and personally, these two energies are having a serious conversation right now. As Saturn and Neptune are conversing, you are in the process of getting clearer about the difference between your fantasies and dreams. Disillusionment occurs when a fantasy remains unfulfilled. But with a dream, the work is different. The question becomes, 'What are the steps I must take to make my dream come true?' You are likely to feel tentative about what you're willing to take on because, timing-wise, the dream is not fully formed or imagined yet -- witness global or national issues. Becoming comfortable with uncertainty can be extremely helpful right now. It will give you the time to swim around in the cosmic soup until you become more certain about where it is you want to go and what it is you want to do.

September 1: Mercury conjuncts the Sun

Have you been thinking of circulating your r?sum? or volunteering for your favorite cause? This past July 18, Mercury (while it was retrograding) conjuncted the Sun. Back then you received information you were unable to put to good use. Hopefully you used that time to research and gather information. These two come together again, this time in lets-get-to-work Virgo, and finally a plan comes together. Mercury, the traveling ambassador, comes home and it's time to reap the benefits of all of the conversations, agreements and ideas from the last couple of months. This marks a time of new beginnings, new plans and new ideas. Finally you get the go-ahead to do something productive!

September 4: Pluto turns direct

Pluto went retrograde last March 29. This retrograde period comes to an end now as Pluto stations direct on September 4. These last several months have seen power and control issues ratchet up and you may have been feeling that there is a lot at stake. Although this intensity can drive people to extremes, leaving behind beliefs that don't serve you (or the world) have been a part of this long retrograde period. Perhaps you've let go of people or moved on from untenable situations. As Pluto moves forward, you have the opportunity to get in the driver's seat and put into practice everything you've learned about yourself. Take some time to review your options. Over these next weeks, a plan will emerge that feels right to you. Believe in yourself and what you want. Continue to throw out old negative beliefs to take full advantage of this time of adjustment. Here is a quotation by Sylvia Robinson to inspire you: 'Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go.'

September 6: Venus enters Virgo

As the planet of love and relationship leaves fun-loving Leo and enters service-oriented Virgo, you naturally turn your attention to the more practical aspects of your important relationships. Ask yourself: Are we a good fit? What are we doing for each other? How are we helping each other? Nothing says love like when your spouse remembers to pick up some bread and milk on the way home from work! Use this time to be helpful to those closest to you. Give your honey a back rub, involve your kids in a charitable event or email or call someone who would love to know they are in your thoughts. These are uncertain times for many people. Commit random acts of kindness this month and your thoughtfulness will be returned tenfold.

On the contrary to what popular notion of Virgo is, critical and combustile, they re in fact, critical of themselves (and the world) in order to make certain sacrifices for someone or something, be it a creed, a philosophy, a long-term goal. They are, out of my objectve observation, the most sacrificng and people-serving people I know. The Virgo natives gets to be too hard on themselves, in an effort to reach an unattainable standard they have set for themselves, in any form of service. Keeping their feet on the ground while setting their head to the stars is what they do best. Usually, they achieve grounded, reality-based goals.

As applied to any natal sign, in a person's natal chart, where Virgo is found, there is a sense of orgnization and critical assessment in that aspect. In aspect to my chart, I can here cosmic screams, to get my act together, reconcile vision and action. With the Pluto and Neptune traversing the very OC Virgo, I have no reason to slump into idleness. Speaking of which, I have to note my 10th House In Virgo is setting a red alert buzz, whatever work I made in the previous year is obviously self-sacrifice, for many many persons. With the ongoing planetary transits, It is a perfect time to evaluate the voice of the 10th house, Social status, specifically, career, and kick the period of sacrificing, and finally, move into doing something I achingly want.

Even the universe urges me to consider my options *mad giggles*

Fading

2006-08-15T04:43:00.000+08:00

Image from Catstuff

Rain water prodded through the small awning beneath my window, it was a regular monday for most people, a rainy monday just like the rest of this season's mondays. For me, I don't see rain, I see the tears of the Leo moon washing away the household panic as they go about their normal rituals, preparing for school and work, betraying the sun its regular reign, I remain inert, still.

Every life is precious, and when this life came to me, I vowed to sustain it the best way I can. Even as the Shaman cleared her of any material malady, she just had to give in to the painful consequence of loosing a mother.

I am not capable of providing her the vital survival elements only her mother could give, but I was there, with barely two hours of sleep each day, I watched her every single motion, she subsists, walks, exercises, sleeps as if my breath hangs on to her every movement, I was an upset mother revelling on her firsts. When I laid her snuggled with me, she would look up and stare at me with those little eyes whenever I start talking. She would cry upon hearing my voice.

I remain inert, still. As her fragile body gave in, and as her soul chose to transcend back to the Goddess' warm cauldron of life, I light a midnight candle, hoping its flicker will take me on her journey to summerland.

First Night High

Someone, who still thinks of her self as a party gatecrasher/stranger after stealing 3 shots of my tequilla and exchanging bashing moments with beerday boi, got invited by my friend's friend. That's not the point, she said "Patience is virtue" at the height of my dizzy intoxication.

Since my processes gave in to alcohol, and with the mercury retrograde rendering channels of communication in haywire, the drunken comment reached my head the wrong way. virtue? NOT. Not if your cup of patience was exhausted down to the last drop by your current material responsibilities.

Good thing my best friends were there (though one switched casualty mode come 3 am) to douse my temper with cold glass of Bloody Mary.
I ended up moderately intoxicated, mustered enough head to last 7 am in Ayala avenue, and the rain floodwater drenching my new flip flops. I was too tired to whine and battle with Mother nature.

Exit

2006-07-30T04:42:00.000+08:00

Some people are just meant to be deleted and blocked.

Really, they do, all you need to do to restore your life back to normalcy is to severe all ties with them, try doing it without the propensity to roll over and come back, and you'll see guaranteed results of a better life.

Just make sure you don't marry the person.

The thing with my friend is, he happen to grow out of adolescent a bit late, in fact, too late that before his adult senses know, he married the poor sob. Now that the wench's moronic character slowly steals the limelight (during parties, reunions, to be specific), she didn't have the bone to set matters straight and leave things in dignity. She walked out irresponsibly, notwithstanding a 3-year old daughter sandwiched between the argument.

Another head scratched off my list.

To think I was friends with this bitch.

I really need to update my friendship category clauses.

My lonesome cat has better brain than this nerveless nuisance.

When it comes to matters of the spine, you can't count on love to filter out for you.

Endless elipses

Waiting is a craft I never learned, I am impatient on just about anything, I can't wait five more seconds in a fastfood queue without lashing through the register girl my ancient poison glare. Having said that, this game of wait-and-gamble someone put me through is ruining my sanity. I am officially retiring back to my solitary circle, depression begins.

Violent Tidbits

2006-07-23T04:42:00.000+08:00

This one's a bummmer, artistic void, mental concussion, send me an owl.

I really felt bad for you and offered you genuine sympathy, and so I lend you the resource. Sorry, if for someone so filthy rich as you, the amount seem meager, but I take it considerably huge sum of money enough to buy me 12 good pair of shoes. Here you go stooping below the respect I thought you deserve hiding from me. Hey, you're not a mouse, come out of your halibut, am not gonna turn myself into some gun-toting lunatic for you, so you're safe from bullet wounds.

I offered you help, and for the ONE SINGLE time I asked you to return the loan, don't make me feel like a bad person and don't parade yourself armed with regal dialogue of how I seem to rob you of your future and to force you to sleep on a rag. No, I am too much of a human for this, my ethics and manners are not worth any five-figure cash. I am not the one who failed to commit to obligations here, am not the one who's credit report is so fuggin messed up. I don't need this shit right now.

More acid, read on..

Yes, you, something is wrong, probabaly that's why you were so friggin paranoid out of your wits that if you could jump out of your skin to watch our backs, you would. Talk is cheap, so quit the speech, and do something. Oh wait, I forgot, you need to see that your manpool's been cut to half before you actually lift a finger, I should know, you hate making mistakes (again).

Little miss naricissistic, You wished I eat your bait and let you haggle over the silliness til you get the attention you drool for. Well, sorry, I did many jobs, but satisfying senile attention whores were not one of them. My silence might have killed me, but it killed you better.

Hey, I don't stop you from eating bodies of dead, tortured mutilated chickens and diseased, miserable, drugged, traumatized cows, and pus-filled milk, so don't complain If I eat grass. Just like what was said before, I've been you, don't call my moral stand pompous hypocrisy, and don't advertise your ignorance. I choose to be vegan, and will always be a vegan. It takes more than a countlessly devirginized prick to sway me.

Wow, that felt so much better.

Compassionate Shift

2006-07-09T04:41:00.000+08:00

Mercury Retrograde didn't do much sway to my plans as Jupiter turns a sweeping direct motion towards the passionate Scorpio. The painful, gradual path I made is well worth it. The clingy Capricorn moon native shifted its world antennae in what will count as one of the most major decisions of her adult life, veganism.

I can look through the eyes of any animal with a clear conscience. I no longer see the logic why I pet dogs and cats while eat equally intelligent creatures such as chickens and pigs. I will not be one of the professors who walk the street crying save the environment, hug-a-tree, love-animals claims empty-handed, armed with rogue information on what it truly means to have an empathy for ecology. Veganism does not just let me live life cruelty-free, my health immensely improved, digestion is better, my cholesterol level dropped, my simple anemia is gone, and I feel generally stronger. Not bad perks for someone who aspires to be a compassionate consumer.

I am not surprised with quite a number of nature "sympathisers" mushrooming everywhere at this height of the Aquarian Age. The Age of Pisces has passed, we no longer shed blood in the name of religion, we scream compromise, one world, one love, ecumenism, global neighborhood, no more witches burning in stakes (oops) and Nordic and vikings hiding their hearth in fear of persecution. People like saving the planet, make poverty history, save the animals, and yet these same people eat the members of the same natural circle they so love to save.

During my gradual transition from being an omnivore to vegan, the solar Scorpion went through sweeping changes. I hid in Gaya's towering branches in Sagada, begged for the Great Goddess Bestat guidance for my feline furry friend, spent countless midnights that paved the way into my realizing that the best way, as a seeking soul, to show Mother Goddess, and all animals, genuine respect, is to stop eating them.

If a person looks at the eye of a cow or pig about to be mutilated for food, one will know there is a who, not a what, in that defenseless creature. "Farm" animals are not here for food, they develop friendships, protect their young, practice and recognize loyaty, play, sunbathe, bask in moonlight, respond to affection, have personalities. They are meant to live their natural lives. Cows cry when their babies are forcibly taken away from them, chickens die out of pain when their chests and throats are cut open while fully conscious, scientific research shows even the lowly rats dream.

The Summer Solstice is a time of fertility, and to show respect and grief to all the poor animals I have eaten and may have been killed senselessly through tests from the products I used, I decorated a mini "summerland" in the hall, with a huge wreath, sparkling white candles to remember them by, and little earth fairies and princess dwarves, and butterflies, to guide their tormented souls back to the cauldron of life, finally resting and sleeping in Mother's embrace. I am still consumed with inconsolable grief at the memory of their short, miserable lives, but I channel the energy into passion to fuel me, drive me to do something for them. I will patiently wait til the Animal Welfare Society calls me, and proces my application for orientation.

I have rested my philosophy on a founded knowledge that animals are not for humans to use; not for food, clothing, entertainment, labor, cosmetics. The most popular way of abuse is consuming animal meat. I'm old enough to get it through my thick skull that I am no longer going to be a part of the social phenomenon of cannibalism dressed in civilized fashion.

Image by www.lacin.com.

Tribute to The Astral Companion

2006-07-01T04:40:00.000+08:00

Dear Oscar,

It's been, what, few days? Since I left our suburban home to work again in this city jungle and live again in this lonely apartment, all I think about is how well you are recovering. I know my family takes care of you probably better than I do, but my heart still aches for your sleepy meow, your lazy walk, your scratching moments, your snobbish arc, your quiet, peaceful presence. You are the wave that calms my ravaged soul, you don't know how stress and problems drain out of me everytime I go home from work to be greeted at the front door by your huge, wandering eyes.

No human being comes close to this, only you can render me this vulnerable, this weak. The day I brought you home, I vividly remember how small you were, your dull coat, filled with dust and dirt, your bleak stare that speaks of undernourishment, and your untrusting, yet careful gaze that speaks of too many hardships and trauma.

I did not even bother ask what your life on the street was, It was too painful for me. How I adore your bent, crooked tail, a remembrance of your hard life as a kitten, your bent tail that was disfigured by mean people who hit you by a basket ball. I remember bringing you to the vet, your pretty doctor, to have you x-rayed for any fracture, I remember your first meal, and how you always sleep near my stomach even if we tuck you on your now-favorite rug, Oh how you love me at first sight.

You make every day a struggle for me to go. You break my heart every time I have to leave for work and you bite my sock-covered toes, or follow me through the door, or sometimes unknowingly wink at me, always assured at the thought that I'd come back.

We may not share our entire life times together, I may have allergies or have developed asthma, but to compromise you is never an option. You, my furry son, are a genuine soulmate.

Few days seem like eternity, please wait my dear, till mommy come home again. I deeply love you.

Dancing Fire

2006-06-23T04:40:00.000+08:00

With the Uranus in retrograde, a deep, underlying cause I have been intimately fighting and struggling with finally creeps its way out of me, from being a mere inner fire an outward, direct set of actions. The efforts may seem minor, but collectively, that voice is finally speaking.

From someone as indulgent as I, few souls will actually see through my inclination for humanitarianism, for merging to a greater whole, for five years, I was miserably within my cosmic ignorance that I failed to take action for the one thing I am inexhaustibly passionate about- Animal welfare.

Image is property of the Coalition for Consumer Information on Cosmetics, Web site is www.leapingbunny.org. No alteration made, except proportional resizing.

I started surfing the circle where my cute catie Oscar keeps a profile, I met a lot of people who share the same vision and stand with me when it comes to the ethics of treating animals. I now understand why my animal activist of a mother throws everything I buy that were manufactured by **** (I will only mention companies I have direct/attempted to directly contact, and none of these opinions I claim as an official statement), due to their questionable statement on animal testing. Then come Oscar's surgery, I was so touched by how strong he has been, going through all the pain and trauma of a new environment (Clinic), that I feel deeply ashamed If I couldn't be strong enough for him, I went through him, by his side, all the way from admission, to the final removal of his dextrose. For 2 nights, he slept on my bed, allowing me to do the things he usually won't let me as he doesn't fancy being cooped up.

Then, as mentioned earlier, collectively is how one must view the burning, growing fire of my cause, the final straw, was when I directly contacted Nivea, Dove, Compassionate consumer, and Uncaged. For Nivea and Dove, I sent an email message demanding (in a very diplomatic manner) any statement reinstating their respective policies to animal testing. Of course, I do dote a little and said I wanted prompt reply, I am crossing my fingers they do not turn cold turkey for I will not let this cause remain unconsequential.

For the Compassionate Consumer, I sent comments, linked them up, and reacted on some lists that needed updating, as I see.

Oscar taught me this lesson, and I can say he is the main force behind my coming out of the veil to finally speak up and let that tiny voice be heard. He is not just a pet, he is loving familiar who communicates to me (maybe from my astral guides) admonitions, which now, I choose exhibit in concrete earthly actions.

The following passage came from my online buddy Willower*

Ten Commandments For A Responsible Pet Owner

1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any
separation from you will be very painful.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.

3. Place your trust in me--it is crucial for my
well-being.

4. Don't be angry with me for long, and don't lock
me up as punishment. You have your work, your
friends, your entertainment. I HAVE ONLY YOU!

5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your
words, I understand your voice when it's speaking
to me.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I'll NEVER
forget it.

7. Before you hit me, remember that I have teeth
that could easily crush the bones in your hand,
but I choose not to bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or
uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be
bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right
food, I've been out in the sun too long, or my
heart might be getting old and weak.

9. Take care of me when I get old. You, too, will
grow old.

10. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say,
"I can't bear to watch it" or, "Let it happen in
my absence." Everything is easier for ME if you are there.
Remember, I love you.

*Not real name

Astral Gazer of a Cat-Owned Muse

2006-06-17T04:38:00.000+08:00

The night of the full moon reveals its hypnotic energy to diverse folks in countless ways, like a woman revealing her ascendancy to many people in zillions of makeup and outfit. It is barely two weeks before the Sabbat of The Summer Solstice, the celestial jewel I deeply love waxed in feminine braggadoccio as it boasts its swollen splendor despite the monoxide-induced atmosphere of the suburbia. It baptizes my newly-painted veranda with its white-silvery reflection.

I admired for what seemed like eternity. The sentient faculties suspended as I drowned in the moon's watchful gaze, in the ghost-town quietness of the midnight, no sound is heard, yet my meditative senses vividly descried ancient story of my universal umbra. As my physical eyes closed, a floating hum played in my mind, with the bright course of the full moon, a reality hidden behind ancient veils revealed itself to me, like a transcended body in revenance...

I allowed myself, for few moment of peace, to loose in reverie. The moon gravitates to us, who are made of seventy percent water. And who else looses marbles due to the perennial Lunar mystery? My Tabby pet and only kid Oscar.

The same night I had inadequate sleep because of him. Apparently, I wasn't the only one moonhaunted. They say allowing cats to sleep in your room causes sleeplessness. That's a generous bargain, the fact that I barely have enough sleep to survive the next day, and he is out of my room, sends a chilling effect on my manner of disciplining the bratty king of my home.

While I remain calm and collected despite the internal ravage of my personal storm, he's plain ravaging. Few weeks ago, my bonkers of a brother allowed the stray tomcat I named Ryan into the house gate. Sure, I admire he has developed sense of empathy towards abandoned kitties, but he's causing more damage to Oscar's psyche than mine, with his staunch territorial streak despite neutering, he made it perfectly clear the public display of affection we are giving to Ryan is beyond his limits.

Since then, his behavior switched to being defensive, if not combative. He hypervocalizes every night, which makes it impossible for anyone to sleep unless you lock your door, turn the air conditioning on full blast, or stuff cotton balls into your ears as a cheap alternative. The other day, he hisses, and I repeat, hisses, at me. What kind of a disturbance makes a cat hiss on his owner????

Then, THE LAST STRAW, which made me jump out of my mind, because he never does that, and because it defies the very reason why I prefer cats than dogs, who poops on shiny floors (gravest expression of vanity and narcissism to me), was that he sprayed on the floor near the iron deck/clothstand situated before the laundry area, he SPRAYED.

Gaaaaaahh, anyone who knows me knows how I am inclined to swipe my entire house clean until I'm ashamed myself to step on to the tiles!!! Oscar made my vinyl smell like a cat!! I have him for years, but my house NEVER smell like a cat, that's how obsessed I am to cleaning my space. What an abominable sacrilege!!

So I am sooo taking him to an animal trainer for a comprehensive behavioral evaluation. If anyone thinks the defensiveness will drive me into putting him up for adoption, or into kicking him out to take a hike in the garage, don't sweat it. I am not equipped to treat my kid that way, or any animal under my care.

He's done for me more favors than most people, he never complains and he gives me comfort every time I seek refuge from the toils of city life.

The Criminal

Cracks of the Rose-colored Glass

2006-06-13T04:37:00.000+08:00

One month, 30 solar days, 29 lunar nights, 24 Gemini hours of psychological preparation, eternity of rolling the red carpet, clearing the way to my destination. 30 minutes, and you shattered the ivory, the rose colored glass, the delicate petal wilted on your venomous verbal aggression.

I'm sorry, it won't happen again. I thought I'd be of help to you. Truly sorry.

Really, that's a bit late.

No, I won't have the likes of you misconstrue philosophies I have studied so hard. I entrusted you with them, and what do people like you do? Squeeze in every piece of information you churned from the vague, if not twisted, picture in your mind, into something beyond the real meanings of my work. You incorporate them with your wicked plans, and then you go around verbally professing devastatingly unethical practices without much forethought.

No, that did not come from me. All responsibility lies on your shoulder. I will not have you put words into my mouth just because you have the brain of a jabroni to abstract the relation of the archetypes I discussed in association to your situation. No, whatever it is you do, is stretching far from my knowledge and does not rely on neither my approval nor on my consent. No, take a hard look, listen to your own words, then know that those words I virtually never used.

Existing laws are there for a reason. I may constantly, vehemently, question most of them, but one I now know. There is great importance in secrecy. Discretion to private work, regardless of the orthodox person's level of intimacy with the practitioner, is a must. Thanks to you, you just have to be the one to break it, as always.

Magickal Recompense

2006-05-26T04:36:00.000+08:00

My body slept for 20 hours, but my mind stayed awake, in my lucid dreams, the mystical tower crumbled towards the culprit, the crashing sound of blocks, stones, and flesh lulled my will to transient happiness. My body woke up, and I rose flickered with the ominously satisified look, my lips covered in a mischievous smile, I rose, and seek rufuge of the black pillar candle that lit my road.

Wicca Respects life of all forms. It is to have a deep love, respect, and kinship to every bird, tree, stone, and star. In that love, it becomes the soul's profound purpose to uphold all of earth's steady poise as the microcosm and the equilibrium of the universe as the macrocosm of the Mother Goddess. Goddess is life, and all of life consists life. Wicca is responsibility upon earth, to heal, and nourish famished parts, to keep the rewarding balance of your life, and banish every energy that wobbles the soul down to imbalance. Wicca is neither the absence nor the purging of anger. It is to recognize and understand that the dark is as essential as the light in order to keep the soul living, flowing with the ebb of nature. The soul walks the deosil circle, mundane and spiritual events as part of the cycle, take, learn, keep, let go. To allow imbalance is to allow widdershin fate entry. I have long rested within the dark womb of the Lady, Tor, Apollo, the Green God, is now beckoning me, in perfect synchrony, the proud Sun summons my waxing core for a charge.

Nothing and no one escapes Karma, and as Mars calls for action, I yeilded to that voice insisting I do, or rather, say something, to the disgusting dalmatian orc, before I begin dealing with her the Magickal way. I take pleasure in knowing that I fight things off the noble way, earthly medocrities must be dealt with in earthly bounds, and Magickal wars must be dealt with in Magickal realms. And yet, who am I fooling here? In utter stupidity, most likely, I have learned the most basic princple governing Wicca; Walking the spiritual path means dealing EVERYTHING the spiritual way. I no longer veer towards the physical, but rather, I became a pilgrim, completing a passage to new persona. My Mars and Mercury are in their own squabble, one in Scorpio is acid-filled with vindictiveness, one in Capricorn won't let a watery surge of emotion ruin the precious craft I worked hard for. To set up a compromise, I rested on the idea of bidding the dalmatian a physical departing word prior to spiritual cleansing. I hurled her with carefully-chosen poison poetry summarily giving her an earthly idea of how I plan to go about the process of metaphysical banishing and cutting her from my soul, from here on til my new incarnation, never again to cross paths for all eternity. Of course, to describe the words as harsh is understatement. That stone-guts of her who loves keeping a cold front when I know too well what truly makes her cry uncle just pubicly crumbled, shibby LOL.

Whaddayaknow??? LOL, the orc behaved just as I predicted, blame it to her sheer lack of backbone ( Which I fund out the moment she and her headless of friends chickened out after I insisted a confrontation), but her response precisely went on as I planned, little cat spilled the milk, and ran, and when monkey saw the drip, monkey calls on to other monkeys and yakk about the spilled milk LOL!! Just as expected, she would take her sorry limb down to her monkey friends so her monkey friends will back her up and speak up for her. That's what she always does, hide behind her monkey skirt and let fellow monkeys do the job for her. The hilarity of the juggernaut I have created, now they will clean the dirt the only way they know, trash talk, trash write if I may say, since most of the monkey's friends write like retards.

Today, I gave a final look at the primate support center they have created, and whoop! Even the flat-assed "pretty" phone urchin joined the pool, just as I predicted. That was all I needed to see before I closed it then resumed laughing from the inside. I know it appears ridiculously petty, even juvenile at that, but It gives me fucking good pleasure witnessing the dalmatian peed on her pants out of dizzy anxiousness, if not disturbance. In fact she's too disturbed, or scared, and witty petrified, that after two days, her monkey patrol started calling in. I am definite it will be piled up to about, uhm fifty, in a week, but I'm not looking anymore, I already got the largest slice of the cake, I saw her, for the first time, mellow down to marshmallow, and I can see through her heart, her spyche melted to a pulp, no matter how many cuss words her ill-trained dogs come up, I have her now right in my fist, and have her ready for the ritual of my life, the moon waned, smiling at the simultaneous coming of several successes of my life. When the moon waxes to its fullest, she, along with so many human garbages, will burn in my fiery couldron of justice.

Dawn Of The Perturbed Reapings

2006-05-23T04:35:00.000+08:00

"Been There, done that" is probably the cliche' that best fits me. After having served infantile behavior from an old narcissistic gnome sufferring from intense attention-deficit disorder, such as "I can tell, I can tell" and "I dealt her fate" (Oooooh! scary! LOL insert-LOL-and-more-Laughs-here) when all she's got on her hands are downright wrong natal information and one of those cover personalities I show usually to specimens of unstable stance (Oh, and maybe a handful of my photos, and saved html pages of my dead site, those were surely keepers), and a betrayal done in miserably poor taste by a raving bitch who I, by some mysterious twist of the cosmos, used to be friends with (used to be is the fuggin operative word), I surely deserve the magnanimous gift of the Goddess at this time of my life.

My seething composure must not be misconstrued as a heat-of-the-moment surge of temper, or an aftermath of sex gone bad. Unlike the old narcissistic juvenile, I have deep, founded, rooted, beyond-cyberspace, eternally-brewing, constantly growing, perenially nurtured, fascinately logical cause for my deep-seated Anger. For a moment, the hatred wallowed me to a pause and consumed my energy, night after night, not wanting to let go, focusing so much on ill-wishing, though I have not reached the tipping point of cursing. As my best friend would chagrin, Sayang ang karma.

I be damned, If someone, thanks to the help of my circle of Old Path followers, actually stoned you a nasty curse for having falsely accused, Imagine the abomination of a self-proclaimed healer acting upon the MUNDANE the MAGICKAL way, and not seal a hatred, I would have to be an idiot akin to her level. But the cloud did not last long. Sure there was confusion, as what the old dog said, and the confusion carved the timing to perfection, just in time when I made a 360 degree turn from the orthodox to Witchcraft. It made my entry much much sweeter.

On the other hand, witness the exceedingly high entertainment value upon learning how group of monkeys actually thought of leaving me after I deserted them!! Enjoy the sight of an imbecile wallflower learning from a spotted dalmatian the ropes of weblogging! Ae-mayyyyyyzing! (With the bitchy gay tone just like Paulie's) It's like primitive apes finally learning how to use tools!!!!

The betrayal and hatred, notwithstanding, lost its luster, I became busy with work and studying Witchcraft, but they do not leave, I won't let them. I had an epiphany of this season, in a lucid dream many many nights ago, the third Beltane of my life, I keep climbing and climbing, up the tip of my dial, like a theatre play reaching its climax, in synchronity with the dark womb's creeping beat, I am going to rise from my unimaginably deep slumber. It is happening now, the long steady request to the invisible helpers for a human mentor, the optimism of the Saguittarius's girth, and the mirror to FINALLY see through the tenacious panorama of the seemingly halted passions I have, in all its glorious synchronity, the universe unveiled its mysteries. Now, I can most honestly speak to my self I CAN TELL.

Like an unmoved mover that forever cycles in motion, without solicited support, just me and my Jupiter, my vast reservior of metaphysical ardor, my Scorpio planets now ready to mount my peak, not a single element can stop me now.

Aah, the splendor of the equilibrium of the cosmos, a natural tinsmith who just made me a tailored-fit armour bouncing back all bullshit in deadly boomerang. READ BETWEEN THE LINES, the only expression left for me is to act foolishly giddy.

Cosmic Gratitude

2006-05-22T04:34:00.000+08:00

It stood still, side by side the Universal, the Goddess, the Runic, the Rennaisance, Bologna, and Lombardy. Yet, Elisabetta Trevisan's deck mesmerizingly floated supreme beside the equally iconoclastic array of Tarot design inspirations..

The Crystal Tarot spoke to me in ways stretching beyond aesthetics and historical significance. No, I am far from authority with tools employed to divine, I am an untitled pilgrim, with neither a monicer nor a noble address to live by, no dented reputation to precede my shallow-sounding name. Nevertheless, The tides of the cosmos is turning, spiraling, dancing, turning into me, turning for me. I shall be having two decks of Tarot, the other one being a lovely gift from my twinsoul/bestfriend/lifetime partner Baby Tuknene. For now, I content myself with the hauntingly picturesque set of images that in themselves, are intricate mysteries the magician must demystify in fitting requisite to deciphering the soul's message to the self, manifested and realized by these card's delicate artistry.

A review by Michele Jackson is available at The Tarotpassages Web site [opens in new Window].

To conretize my awe, below are more samples.

(Clicking the image displays a larger version a new Window)

Now, As the universe's student, I vowed not to aquire anything I am ignorant of and any tool unnecessary to my practice. A full regalia of tools and implements won't make me a better Witch. I have only one main tool, myself. But you see, when cosmos uses a megaphone to pull you back to your genuine calling, you cannot help but joyfully take heed and walk. Come to think of it, some will even extend considerably large amount of time and willingly throw personal energy to the astral plane just to prevent you from realizing your vision of fulfillment, I mean, take it a first-hand experience, you don't really know who's burning and cursing you just to make you stop mastering your craft. *(Excuse, I need to roll on the floor laughing...resumes writing)

You see, the thing is, I was a volleyball junior varsity player, and my best skill? as a stopper. Funny thing, My sports skill can totally relate to my current situation! You know, as a stopper, I always make sure any spike, serve, volley the opponent makes, bounces back, back to my team mates so I can hurl a painfully sharp spike, or as a desperate measure when set is impossible to achieve, make the vlley bunce back to the opponent side. I am VERY GOOD as a volleyball player, as a stopper, I am excellent in making volleys bounce back to my opponent. My, even my sport is teaching me something I can utilize in my craft.

I am most fortunate for having a High priestess opening the door to a once-in-a-lifetime chance of extensive training. My friend, after seeing through my unquenchable thirst to my spiritual growth, offered to mentor me!!! This, by far, is the BEST karma of my life! nature's gift after I painstakingly keep the balance despite delicious temptations to hex people to death. I am not going to falter and dillydallly on this one. My first lesson, introducing me to initiate and divination. My soul is deeply greatful to her, even tears are not enough expression.

Now, back to my hilarious point, I may not only be a good "stopper" as a volleyball player, If you know what I mean, laugh with me on this. You will get your hands and mouth, and life, full, for what you have done, you do not deserve your self-proclaimed title. The universe, as always, is on the side of that which is balanced. You, and your juvenile attempts, are giving me the greatest mind-bending joke of a lifetime. You wait, just wait, wait as you go about your laughable acts, while I lovingly "volley" everything back to where things belong, with all my love.

The Spiral Return

2006-05-18T04:32:00.000+08:00

Circling Directions

The higher self refuses to be amended, regardless countless of directions one gentle soul will take, the divine impulse to move beyond human frailty, and slowly, finally, walk the journey to where the deepest core of ones spirit lies, is nothing short of unmoveable. As one enters the insipid mouth of sudden and painful betrayal, a wandering loss of direction, or even at the peak of earthly celebrations and merriment, all the proud boastful of the flesh, and the dire clinging to materiality can never offer the equanimity, soliloqy, and calm resolve the inner self can teach.

Neptune, the Poseidon of all ages, lies on the Eastern horizon of my Natal wheel, where it finds home in the First House, The House of Self, under the burning girth of Sagittarius. The yearning for spirituality, and the slow moulding and generating of my deepest spirituality, all wisened gifts that are most often learned at a soul's later part, as suggested by the Expansive neptune, precisely houses itself on the earliest realizations of my existence, the first house. Poseidon tries so hard for me to unfold life's blessings and trials at an early time, and with much determination, a fiery Sagittarian trait I am coupled, to walk my way home.

Woe to me, must I hate suffering. The Blessed Goddess is a gracious mother, filled with ardor and Strenght as Artemis, imbued with love and lust as Selena, and perfected in glorious wisdom as Hecate. The Cosmic mother has a dark side, just as a healing water can turn violent in a storm. Goddess within are the pains, every tear a quiet soul cries, every hatred, and yes, hatred, as a drowning Scorpion my pains are my well-kept treasures.

To walk my journey is to Love and respect earth, as Mother's physical Body

To Dance eternally with the fire within

To sing the wind's whispers of inspiration

To clash the waves of love and hate

To walk in harmony with all that has lived, and lives

Understand death, in order to live life

To walk back to the labyrinth of endless death and rebirth

to die, that I may walk out of the spiral reborn
To honor and listen to a sacred space I call Myself.

When I turned my back and left one place I used to call home, I do it with such drama. I am skillfull when it comes to bidding farewell, unlike someone I KNOW, when it's good bye, that means eternal-astral-never-to-see-me-again-kind-of-goodbye. I chose to follow the ebb of nature and look for a new haven. I found myself writing a piece of tribute to four quarters, the four directions of the universe. I also placed the piece on that old home before I vanish. As always, I suck at this, If you think it is a piece of junk, you're not alone:

Airts

Four winds conjoined around boonfire
the mystery of the besom
as it cleanse my misery
The North Air calls upon the Unseen
To vanish burden henceforth to come

The South gusts and their haunting visits
awakend the silent oaks and claimed their peace
once cherished prisms, now cover their lays
as they slowly and painfully walk out of my heath

West Wind lays on the Kindred
of thorned wastes and gleaming jewels
let the living resonance of her womb
pluck out her precious she'd take to her unseen folds.

May the paths of desire
cradle her walking wander
to where the untouched silks rest

Let the moonchild blind her
with bitter balms of spiritual cloth
and in honor, in innocence anew
walk her home, to the east
When her sun wakes
where her lady sleeps

The storm of this season has passed, as I hesitantly peeked outside the rummaged woodlands of my planes, I sense an innate calmness and hope, knowing that the empty land is now my death, and as I cruised the still waters with my bare foot, slowly living again, I know one day, the barren land shall be filled once more with life, and shall swell with people, gifts, pains, and blessings that will cradle my wounded soul back to the dark Womb of ether.

Im spiraling inward I return to Myself
I now close the Mundane
and hold still
In the recluse of my sanctuary
within the sacred space of the Self

The Anima of Karma

2006-05-15T04:30:00.000+08:00

In this part of the blessed earth where I reside, it has been raining continuously for days, wisps of strong winds hurl against the willing curves of my velvet curtains. Oscar, my compassionate Moggie feline, would wrestle against the pillow, folding his ears and snuggle under his favorite corner, to hide from the bolts of thunder. As I watch him fall quietly asleep, I desirously welcomed the Mother's watery anger, stepped out of the terrace, and felt the huge chunks of rain drops touch my Malayan skin.

I take pleasure in the violent whispers of the storm, as the Moon gloriously wanes behind the thick clouds, amidst the sharp coldness of the midnight rage,
I suddenly can almost see the fiery illumine only a mother's warm embrace can give. While Mercury retrogades the Leo Sun, I sit back in surrender to my 6th House in Taurus. I am slow to change, limping in recovery to every action I take and taken for, or against me. I am still most fortunate, though, with my Scorpio allowing intensity to my journey, I take nothing lightly. As much as I die for loving, my vindictiveness is nothing short stabbing. During the past years of restless soul-searching, I only have one way to come to terms with myself - Return to my self. Despite the fall and indiscretions I have committed, and the Karma of which I have incurred, I patiently accept, my short years are fulfilling; not for what it takes, but for what it constantly gives. The Blessed Lady and Lord toured me around the hardest human path, so that I may discover the vast reservoir of healing I am capable of. The strong rains remind me of the early voyage I am now taking.

The rain washes away the city air and opens my consciousness to things most urban dwellers often neglect. I sat outside, in awe of the Mother's fearless ravage. I can't help but shed a tear as floods of memory sweeps, the people Ive lost, the memories I buried, and those that betrayed me. The rainfall whispers to me the anger I have long resolved to put out. I watched in melancholic sadness as the storm amplifies my growing yearning to move forth, out of my Cancer clinging to people I truly cared for. And before I heedlessly loose everything, a faint memory of my core reminded me of the labyrinth, the endless cauldron of life and death, where I must leave behind events, memories, and people who are no longer necessary to my spiritual path, That I must eternally seek to travel outside the past, with much Scorpion passion, and embrace the present, make roon for new people in my life.

Josephine wall - Goddess of flight

(copyrights reserved, from Courtyard of Romance.)

It is not yet too late for me to realize how the Earth's spirit put me test, stretching my thread of patience to an extent far more that what I thought I can take. The rain rings the bell for me to walk in my silent recluse, back to the dark womb. And just like most of my life's springs, I come out of the lush woods in renewed energy, my Saturn in Libra doing its impelling task, bringing me back to unbelieveable state of life. I must not underestimate the beat of my Pluto, the shadow self wants what it can. In those unpleasant walks, The Goddess of flight sings her secrets, taking me to her wells of strenght, as she sweeps every corner of Earth, bringing with her fertility and fecundity for every creature, so is my life. The heavy clouds shall soon pass, and when the Bright Sun smiles heavily on my face, I know I come out and take the fruitful journey with the Flight goddess, and while the birds, flowers, bees, and ferns stand lofty in salute to the creative forces, I will meet them in joy as Mother moves her veil and reveals to me her lessons.

There is truly not one right path for every soul, each one could hear their call, but each call will be heard differently. The voyage in the circle is daunting to me, as every conflict teaches me to unearth my self.

My South Node is the first house impedes a sting of reality, much of life is learning myself, to reach out and connect to diversity. My early years burned me with inexhabustible fire, as I slowly walk out of the drowning pull of the harsh waves, much of what I so strongly cling to are now ruined, every taint, floating lifeless on the deep flood. My new life is going to creep painfully slow, I am cruising out of my inner spiral armed with newborn spirit. It will take time, and while the journey unfolds, let me rest within the sanctity of my circle, beneath the ageless comfort of the womb. (Image by deva kant.)

Three Things

2006-05-14T03:45:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I posted something lighter than my daily grudges, and after all the shenanigan of moving into a new virtual domicile, I got this from a friend belonging to one of my past life/old social circle.

Three Names you go by:

Grace

RG

Gracia

Click to show list>>

In an effort to bury the many, many grudges, me and another of my angry kindred decided to spend the entire night (and day) soulhunting. After countless bottles of beer, sisig, and gods-know-what-else, we ended up crawling our way out of the cafe. To add spice for the evening, I even had a little conversation with Mister depressive himself. The first time I met him, he conveniently told me how gender-confused he is. Funny, you don't usually tell your secret pain to a complete stranger. He had this messy "thing" with my bestfriend, and every time I see him, He has this effective way of screwing up my nerves. Yeah, who could forget his melancholic birthday, when he begged me to empty a bottle of Russian vodka and keep the lonely wolf in him company, just so until he survives his lonely party.

We are not exactly close, I see him every now and then in some of the nocturnal lairs I visit. Yet, we scare each other the minute we start talking, It's like two universal blackholes are about to collide, causing immense astronomical destruction. If people think I am sad, then think again. Once they meet this black raven, they will know what loneliness truly means.

Oh, he is on my multiply account (guess, I am not telling), he committed online suicide many times, and when he texts, he says things like "Burried, but not dead", or "Not fully, I just wish my heart will stop beating". Whatever ocean his Cancer of a soul drowns into, I feel for him.

Fire and the Motion of Human Festival

2006-05-13T03:44:00.000+08:00

I am making the most of my five-day rest from work. Summer is slowly bidding the Harvest God farewell as rain slowly creeps beneath the earthly sun, nourishing the thirsty land, like gems of life meeting the fertile seed of the Goddess. Many, many plans and carefully-thought of goals wheeled in motion as the feast of fertility dawned. Last year's Beltane was a consuming voyage of introspection to me, the sun was weaker, and my bewildered soul needed reassessment. For a 12th house native, this is a season for me to cease the tempting wave of sluggish, sedentary, reigning immobility. I have started, and the results stunned me.

Not only did I tell my relatives off in an intensely sardonic manner, something made me decide to move my blog, and the way I have assisted a friend pin down a libelous creep shocked the wits out of me. The looser nipped and folded, realizing the actual repercussions of her foolish hardheadedness, because of me.

As Beltane motions desires and wants fiercely, I lost the will to materialize my old blog, partly because it is too old, to browse through the archives is to peek at my old, juvenile, nagging self. I did not just morph into the persona I am now, I needed to die to become who I am, like a snake shedding off its skin, it was a most painful yet rewarding gift of my Plutonian core. I would rather leave it stacked invisibly in the cosmos, with no trace.

After the very uncomfortable breakfast meeting with my late abuela's lawyer, I did nothing but sleep and turn on the boobtube catching up on all the Wildlife Diaries episode I missed. I try as much as I could to avoid family intrigue and friction, and as I saw my relative's determined look, right there I lost my marble and fumbled "If we are all here to decide who gets the biggest slice of the cake my abuela worked hard for all her life, then I am not going to be a part of this, take everything if you want, the money could buy you sense of descency," then I left. Of course, my Cancer of a mother did not let that pass, for as she watches her every child like a hawk, my uncouth behavior do not usually slide off her exterior, and yes, she would turn my psyche upside down and hurl me with razor-sharp words, to which I am accustomed.

Well, talk about that libelous looser, it was my friend who did the front act, but EVERY piece of pertinent evidence and document my friend have at hand came from me. You see, I am not a web geek-slash-stalker-slash-malicioushacker for nothing, and while I remain sugar-sweet close to all my fellow kindred and travelers, I do know those who railed me very well, well enough to have them arrested or pubicly humiliated with their deep dark secret.

I am born equipped with my Mercury in Scorpio, nothing and no one escapes my antennae. This striking view of the world is most often mistaken as sheer vindictiveness. It is not about being vindictive, but more of being truthful. The acid in my nerve channels eats away the superficiality that impresses some people before it reaches my tired brain, so they appear naked to me, almost sensing the genuine meaning behind every word spoken, every gesture made, every action done.

The last Straw

I killed my old blog, with half of the reasons I have explained. If that is the case, I could just easily delete my old archives on move on. But heck, something I discovered drove me to finally decide it is time to remove the old shadow.

While working, I was browsing through some of my friend's pages, and I stumbled upon one user profile, as I read through, a familiar text scrolled its page, a VERY familiar text, and I remember, the very familiar text is a passage I wrote for a page in my blog, a passage to describe myself. Someone hilariously copied the text I wrote describing myself into his/her splash page as a self description.

The entire passage I wrote are as follows:

Truth, the daunting path only fools and wise men believe. Profoundly isolated, beautifully distracted, sickeningly inert, unimaginably destructive Scorpion breaching the woefully thick walls of selfishness, into the illumined path of truth.

The substandard copypaster ripped probably only what her doggone
brain can dig. Shown below is the screenshot:

Note that the passage clearly assimilates internal traits of my natal equipment, the eternal conflict of my Saturn and Pluto, the ominous 12th house, hence the inert facade despite a thick cloud of shameless impasse only the smoldering ashes of destruction can conduce. This is reeking personal and acutely accorded only the one Scorpion whose Martian movement is heavier than lead. No, that lower being is incapable of such astral struggle, only I.

I am torn betwwen laughing and laughing harder. If I am a bit unethical, I could just post away the link and diss the owner on the Internet, just like what narcissistic attention whores do. By gawd, was the person even aware I have astrological jargons interspersed with those words? Notice how atrocious the sentences before the copied text are written, for someone who could not even write in descent Filipino, my literary devices are just too much.

Risen

2006-05-07T03:44:00.000+08:00

Life in the previous two or so months; Extreme lethargy, unapologetic tardiness, glitter balls, night life, Smirnoff, bitter pill, halogen, bagle with cream cheese, hysterical laughs over numbskulls from way way back, Vendettas all the way from Vancouver, and recovery, lots and lots of recovery.

My senses revive as the mythological bird rose from the ashes. Significantly, the running water from within never fail to comfort, and heal me. Unexpectedly, almost beyond my favor, these decomposing inner rage and bodies of self-ill I have knowingly kept in the hopes of them serving my self-gratifying purpose of revenge, returned to the ground of oblivion, where they must have belonged. The tribulatory years I passed through made my reward truly sweet. I fed upon the stench of my immortal fury for substinence, and with the same ground I rise, to soar far and high.

I am not merely being desensitized, for insensitivity is never an apt word for me. I take all my might, remembering, with every single sordid detail, every second of everything. I remember the love and friendship, as well as all the bitter betrayal and deception, with an intensely acute precision. NO ONE escapes my memory, the face of the scrawny looking driver of the first cab I ever rode since I developed my own sense of memory (age 4), my mother broke her car and we had to hail a taxi cab, I was drenched with cold sweat, high on fever, on the brink of Measles; I remember the first lunch box I had on the first day of my first nursery level of my first school, a blue plastic box, designed with a sticker painting of Lillies, replaced by a substandard looking lock. I remember the first time someone hurt me, when I first felt a sudden rush of utter negation and offense against someone.

It took me an achingly long time to learn self healing. No, it is not forgiving and most definitely not letting go. The universe taught me the beauty of balance, for even If I am still very aware of eveything, I achieve a deep, strong, grounded state of nonphysical invincibility, an inner infallibility. The darts thrown towards me merely hit my armor and bounces back in a devastating boomerang. If I survive what I just survived, NO ONE can hurt me now. This euphoric state is what I should have learned several lifetimes ago. As always, letting go and forgiveness is not an option, you don't wander around the pathetic ocean of complacency by just forgiving and 'letting go'. Eveything, in all its purpose, must serve the soul, including waves of negativities. I have not let go of anger and hatred, and vengeance, I have assimilated their use in order to become my highest self. Of anger and hatred, and vengeance, to the lower beings who have not evolved complex enough to understand responsibility for actions and their effects, is just what they need to be able to gain an iota of knowledge to the immense imbalance of their nature.

The anima reigns, gazing onto the starry starry mysterious cosmos. So shall it be.

Image from little/raidl Design Studios. No part of the image is altered and/or modified except proportional resizing. Image owner/creator retains the copyright.

New Everything

2006-04-18T03:42:00.000+08:00

The strangest things have been happening. I no longer care what my boo does or thinks. I think I have just switched to convenience mode, where I stay in this relationship out of too much familiarity, and sex.

Double strange, my bestfriends are in a fight. Well, one is, the other, I'm not sure, she was the one I blogged about:

Click here

Yes, apparently someone got hurt from someone else's frankness, but just when we thought things are shallow, the fight just got intense, and I somehow feel that I'm caught in the middle.
I wanna do something, but It could put my bestfriend into detriment. This biotch loves her bestfriend to bits. So I figured that way to go when two of your bestfriends are in a catfight is to stay neutral. I understand what both of them have in their backs, as I told her, there is just a misunderstanding between them. No one is more "right" over the other. Let's face it, both of them have a point, but the other has a stronger point. If I am caught in this situation, I will think this is just a shallow ground to hate my bestfriend. I dunno!!!

On one hand, I have a radical commitment that no one is gonna believe until they see, I am now practicing to be a VEGETARIAN. It all begins in stupid discipline, I know, I used to have that militaristic self discpline until I started working and growing my belly tires. NOT ANYMORE!!!

Burning bridges make way for A Paved Road

2006-04-16T03:42:00.000+08:00

Falling out: (n)

A personal or social separation (as between opposing factions)

Nothing is permanent in this world save the genuine gems of your life. The quoted phrase was used by an estranged aquaintance to describe the way our friendly relations were severed. Not bad, but even her words fall short.

What kind of person does not renew? Women rejuvenate, the dead returns to the ground. I have not been updating my main Web site, maybe because there is nothing more to say to those who secretly and publicly read it. I have become popular, no, infamous and notorious, through that Web site. I have clashed and railed through mercilessly orthodox ideals and philosophies. I have gained many friends, admirers, and enemies through the whipping sharpness of my tongue. Words have become my sole ally in the hope of striking a unmetted difference. My Plutonian energies would remain silent in the armor of personal encounter, but would not resign to muted wrestles once words are at disposal.

Yes, I can speak of depth, a signature style of turbid, dark masse of heavily crafted soulspeaks that is easily recognizable as MINE once read by persons who know me well (friends) and those who learned to know me (foes). They will know it is mine.

But I have died in my own venom, now it is time to face the illumined path prepared by six planets in my 12th house.

I admit I am now a party animal, an unrepentant, guilt-free, unapologetic social butterfly. But that is not synonymous to a lack of profound depth. I have been there, done that, as I often recoil. This entry would not even pass intelligible when fared against my old journal. I have not met a more depressed creature than myself. I am now fully anchored to my 10th house, my Jupiter has soared high.

So you see, there is more to this flybiatch than cuss words and indulgences.

I have severed my relationship with my old self. She has to die, so this new person emerges.

Our karmic ties are cut, our relationship is ended.
That is how falling out is to me. Severed, cut, banished, then I move on, glide, flow with the water's cosmic current. Those I have cut, forgiveness is eternally unreachable. The universe is spacious enough, but Goddess forbid, a second encounter spells sartable, violent storm of rage and inconsolable anger, and they that I have cut, shall, finally, taste the bitterness of this HIGH, STRONG Scorpion's wrath.
Let the world drown when that happens. Let the earth expire, I would very much cherish that than once again, exhausting the universe with my Plutonian Fire.

Raving loose!

2006-04-03T03:40:00.000+08:00

Been there, drank that! I was soooo intoxicated, dance fuck party drink smoke till the early morning! It was one hell of a party last weekend! When my bestfriend and I arrived at the scene, dizzy confusion starts creeping in. Yeah, she and some of her fiends came to hedkandi Greatest Hits dance party at da World Trade Center. Nothin really happened, just few fuckin pissed drunk people, dizzy drugged ladies showing off her pussy on me in the bathroom, booze, cigar, smoke, then booze.

It was all blurry, and hella good! I just hated her officemate, she did nothing but cry uncle over the guy who won't fuck her. Oh come on! I don't come to parties to listen to your sorry stories, I got my own shit to deal with honey, and that's why I party, to forget everything I need to forget. I can't believe my night life is slowly becoming my T-O-P priority!!!!

Little miss moppet flat-assed and dalmation-skin fugly must be having the party they love to pretend..in their bedrooms while camwhoring hahahaah!! Fucking loosers, stupid posers.

What does it take to keep me tipsyhappy the entire night? shotshotshots of vodka currant, light beer, and Tonic. The next technoparty, Id be alone so I can fuck some stranger. I wanna be creamed again! After that oh-so-hot sex date with oh-so-yummy "J", am pretty warmed up for some sweet sweet lovin' :p

I FEEL SO ALIVE! AND RENEWED! It's so surreal It's too good to be fucking true. have finally got rid of my baggage. It's freaking useless to be so full of worry, It is my life I will miss. LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST!! To all those souls aho are goin thru what I went through before, I know it sucks, but NEVER let other people get the best of you. All my moron of enemies are soooo LOOOSERS compared to me now. I am soooo happy I am finally free from the binds of their negative energies. Nothing can put me down, At this point of my life, I have seen it all, loosers, liars, and most of all, tratiors. The only way to go is up, move on, head up, keep walking, and live your life, eNJOY everyfuckingthing in your life, love fiends who love ya for what you are, and in the end, You win the battle. Free love baby. ==xoxo==

The morning (and Evening) After

2006-03-31T04:39:00.000+08:00

Image is an artwork by Ruth Palmer; from www.art.com. No part of the image is altered except proportional resizing. The artist retains copyright.

Sometimes, even the people you thought are close to your are the ones breaking your heart, your mind, and your fuggin patience.
It makes me think that this adage is becoming more and more true:

What men have called friendship is only a social
arrangement, a mutual adjustment of interests, an
interchange of services given and received; it is, in sum,
simply a business from which those involved propose to
derive a steady profit for their own self-love.

Sweet, sweet night. Boo and I watched Rent, the film rendition of an acclaimed musical. Mah boo and I feasted on a bohemian, lovely, refreshing filmic dessert. That was before we settled in our hotel room, and had our own version of e-v-e-n-t!
Of course I got my funky tee and had our dose of mildly acidic Cafe'.

The ache started...as soon as he and I began the day in an argument. But it was all good. The shit started as I arrived here at work. I decided to change my YM stat to "forget regret", from RENT. Then one of my so-so fiend popped me, then we started talking about it, asked me questions, have I watched it..yada yada. Then she started gettin weird when I told her I wasn't aware of the fucking raffle coupon for a chance to travel to some tourist spots. Used the word bwiset, she said You're disappointing, why didn't you gimme the coupon?.

Stupid motherfucker.
First, I don't give a flying fig about raffles, I can afford a trip on my own. Second, I don't owe it to you to give you that friggin coupon, If I give you, say your thanks, If I don't, you got no right to complain. It is not my stupid obligation to ensure that your chances of social-climbing travels are high. Third, I am too engrossed with the intimidatingly piercing movie-musical I just watched. Art comes first you monger.

Which got me to thinking, friends don't do that. You don't fuck over your friend just because you had a bad day. If you are rowdy and would love to axe someone's neck, you do it outside, and leave your friend, or bestfriend at that, out of it. Her lack of fucking courtesy and ill temper is reaching its tipping point, it's starting to get to mah friggin nerves.

Before she starts acting like a royal biatch, she already knew this could cost her her friends. She already said that, she won't blame the departed. Double fuck. Soon she'd end up alone with everyone hating her.

But what the hey, she is not worth it. If she shrugs me off, I'm definitely forgettng her. If I keep being a stuck up to what people do or say, and don't ignore it, It's my life I'll miss. I will live my life as if it's the last, according to MY terms. You disobey my rules, get out of my life.

Shindig? On the Bed? Ows?

2006-03-30T04:38:00.000+08:00

Some pieces-of-shit-in-the-guise-of-women are so pathetic. Just lke she
who thought lying down on her bed all day while manically taking pictures of her disfigured face makes her a party regular. Honey, party's in the club, not in your rustic smelly room. And hey no responsibility is strenght? You gimme the hives, little miss strong! hahahaha

My best friend and I spent few hours chatting on the phone, planning our trips to Banahaw and Camiguin, then perhaps hexing the dog she left in Guam.
Then I conveniently slipped the story of that flat assed dreamy bitch whose IQ is below 40. The idiot who plans to take up law is lately categorizing bedcamwhoring and luncheon at cheap off-the-road substandard grill houses a 'shindig'. WTF?? That is an inult to any real party queen.

So this keep-telling-crap-to-yourself phone monkey feels good about herself, because she has no other option. Bad career, zygotic maturity, looser friends. I guess all that a lower being can do is to push contentment, and satisfaction side by side with her misery.

Same goes to the fly-whooping dalmatian-skinned airhead. Geesh, these people hold on to the one false thing they know about me, and they go about their lives telling themselves they are better. Ha! Of course they are better, compared to their fellow primates!!!

They are THAT stuck up tofee-nosed idiots, what royal looser.

Fugly Envious

2006-03-25T04:37:00.000+08:00

Damn right, today I just opened my social networking profiles foe everyfugginone to see. (That includes friendster and Myspace). Yeppers, no hiding no more, from gloates and hoes! Just like what my pregger fiend told me "You are now a full blown party animal."

These worthless idiots took a, sadly, huge chunk of my energy. I wasted time moping around, contemplating on the venoms these haters spit out of their foul mouths.

I dunno what went through me, but, I can HONESTLY say now, that I don't really fucking care. They can stalk me all they want, piss till they content themselves ogling over my social information, though they're never gonna milk something substantial from it, aside from the fact that mah homies love and adore me to bits.

Its so damn hard to be fugging envious, and coating it with angry to boot. I can tell from now they are never gonna reach their goals if they keep on parading this life armed with their moronic senses, empty brains, and even distasteful social skills that only lets someone be stuck up with fellow stuck ups and failed insecure monkeys.

Whenever the ill trained virginal ankle talked about avoiding and abstaining from responsibility, she called herself lucky. hahahaha!!! I fucking bet she aint gonna make it a day without whoring her whacked pussy, for the lack of financial management and responsibility-handling skills. You gotta resist the itch to bitchslap her with "Puhleasse, keep telling that to your self."

I have never loved myself more than now, and I overjoyously appreciate my Sagittarian influences, many of them. If I channel my Scorpion energy positively, instead of the old self I sport, the negative, heavy, histrionic self, I will soar high. I actually have. Life is Sweet after school. I am surrounded by all sort of folks, good friends, friendly homies, perfect family, adorable soulmates, a loving partner, fiends from show/TV biz and media industry who have helped me gain toughie tough connections that made my passion for media work damn much easier, and lotsa lotsa party animal fiends who are more than aching to gimme a swelling good vibes!!! What have I become? an entertainment writer, web editor, media slut, party mistress, events and project coordinator, sly alcoholic, disco limelight, valued bestfriend, adored homie, money generator, IT professional, technical editor, software developer, marketing officer, and tranc((E)) lov((E))r Highhighhigh!!!!

Gracious lawd, what more can I ask?

I light a million candles for me

2006-03-05T04:36:00.000+08:00

Believe me, I tried not writing all those unfiltered emotional garbage for months, but I just cannot make it through a month without writing it ALL off.

I just have simple rules this '06 to live by. Just like what 20 something years of shitty mudslicked, idiot-soiled, hard experiences taught me, Let go of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that have, and who have, no good intentions and thoughts for you. Letting go or moving on, same as forgiving and forgetting, are the hardest actions for me to do. I have always had the aversion for such acts. Then again, what will days and nights of worry and heart aches, anxiousness, loathe, pain, and suffering bring you? What good will it do to stoop down the level of an aging, wrinkling, senile old NARCISSISTIC whore and fall prey to her miserably juvenile bait? What good? None, nada.

(Mental note: Just when I thought she is an expert on astrology, how come it didnt cross this flaming idiot's mind that a Scorpio with my aspects do not easily get riled off by a Libran with Taurus rising's stupid childish, dirty tricks? But then again, I gave her the wrong natal information, so I guess, she wouldn't know that since She doesn't really know any significant natal data about me. What a bloody fool to think I would trust her.)

I will always be thankful to the past. I will never forget who I was, my origin, my roots, my old friends who made my life fun, my enemies who made my life colorful and defining. It is time to evolve, only the dead live with the past, every person who is still alive escapes the shadow of the past, and moves on.

I can never soar without letting go of all the burdens I have carried for almost 20 years, burdens that root from a single cause, my inability to know who I am, what I want, what are my motivations. I keep rebelling against myself in order to separate me from the rest of the world, In an effort to become an individual, I lost my identity. I am not completely whole until I find who I am.

Teeedle-O

2006-02-01T04:36:00.000+08:00

What do monkeys end up after leaving a loot? Find another monkey loot to stay. One bitch's pathetic life is enough to keep me rolling on the floor laughing all day. In the monkey's "other" blog, it said all who want to send it posion comments/mails should go outdoors and raise their fist, to fulfill the cosmic duties of being the neghborhood joke. Tsk tsk, now that's an idea of humor. I think she forgot to tickle her anus or lick her drool back, or any of those monkey-monger habits, something is wrong with her already-dim brain.

Yes, the phone monkey left her ungratifying job last year only to become a phone monkey for another loot. I give her thumbs up for epitomizing consistent career failure. Now why was the dog so defensive when it comes to hate mails? I bet the idiot is getting it everyday. How dare her use her cuss words together with the name of the cosmos, ignorance in that organic piece of shit is taking an all new level.
The trainor forgot to teach the tricks, tsk tsk, dumb dog.

What the human fart did not know is that she came thisclose to actually being raped and killed by 20 gangsters. Thanks to my boo, change of mind immediately swept.

Ahhh, the relief of having a poision blog, outside my main Web site, outside colleagues, stalkers, and J's scrutiny. I can keep on killing people here, and kill some more.

I hate to reveal the elitist bullshit in me, but I make an exception to this dog coz she is exceptionally hilarious! I remember her blotchy doggone skin. Yeah, blotch, more like dalmatians than woman, whitey!
May I add her fuckdoll-big-ass pal who always misses "dermabrasion" from her "dermatologist". Hahahahahaha!!! yeah right, so what are those dark spots doing on your cheek dollface? Sorry bitches, your social climbing antics suck.

Yeah, the flat-assed arse is "happy and content", amidst the fact that she is one bumming dickhole who will never make it to the "industry" we oh so like since her IQ of 45 can't even churn a single journalistic concept in. Dahling, taking up AB doesn't make you a writer, because If you are, you should have done better than my flourishing career in television, and my now sleek job as a software developer (which requires an IQ above 45). What are you, nuthead? a numbskull of a phone idiot who cant climb the media ladder. Awwwww, "happy and content"? Why do you think successfull people are successful? They are NEVER satisfied. I am never satisfied and happy with what I have, I want MORE, better, Higher.

You are never gonna understand that drive, because that is, my baby fuckdoll, your "cosmic purpose", a mundane, minute, useless passerby to degenerate later into dust so lower members of the food chain can feed upon your flat but sqwaked decomposed butt.

Rusted in Time

2006-01-23T04:20:00.000+08:00

With all due respect, older doesn't make one wiser, and when a middle aged cynic talked to me about her ideals and well, cynicisms, I just couldn't help but give off "oooh"s and "aaah"s in an attempt to feign interest.

Funny how a modernist flick can ignite a hidden liking, or rather, exasperation from someone who have been a too-old-too-many-been- there-done-thats state of desperation. It all began when the old cow started questioning my "unscrupulous affairs" (not that it's any of her business, but for argument's sake, let's just put that into her being old as a moral ascendancy over me, the young and "unbridled", notwithstanding the misuse of the word, making it sound as if those born 1980 and higher are horses, do I smell narrowmindedness? I like being distacted, perdoname, Is that part of my being "unbridled" too?). When I vaguely said that my affairs have nothing to do with that sacred space for the one you love, the cynic started reacting violently, and to my surprise, defensively. To cut the long shenanigan short, she stressed that your mind dictates your body, and the ultimate good for humanity is survival.

Now that would level us humans to four-legged brutes wouldn't it? If the end goal of all the 8-figure earning executives in this time, in this culture, in this civilization, is survival, then we might as well donate half of our salaries to strangers on the sidewalks!

Survival instinct is the primal equipment every human soul is born with, but to conclude that man is composed of merely the platitudes of body and mind is plain ignorant, let alone stupid. Who dictates every actions and consequences that ripple in all of life? Definitely mind and body is counted out. It is because a man is a complex engine of purpose. If survival is the only drive to the prenatal instincts man is equiped with, then why waste sweat and blood in the name of art, literature, music, philosophy, Science, and history?

The part that made me laugh, is after insisting that all we need is survival, she started contradicting herself by asking why we all need better clothes, better skin, higher pay, better homes?
That made me quetion her sanity, she started contradicting herself! I maybe a nutcase but I take pride in being the most consistent nutcase.

Exactmundo, because our existence does not solely lie on the need for existence, a human soul is a synderesis of a creative force, it seeks wisdom to attain truth, because higher truth, not survival, is the ultimate good of a man. The conscious and sentient soul ascertains the bodily mechanisms do not expire, but the rational soul is satisfied only by the ultimate good. Simply put, I finaled by saying that I did not come to this earth simply to survive fifty human years, then degenerate later as a fertilizer.

So If I say I love someone else, but Im happily having an affir with another man, the loved one satisfies the higher good, and the other man satisfies the lower appetite, because I am not just a mind and a body, and the desires of my mind is not attributed to ME alone, it is an imprint of a higher being.

To say that "I want to work, but my body needs rest" is not to give up to the dictates of the body, Your WILL chooses to rest, and the WILL is a non-malleable entity (Whereas the mind can bend in or out of the will), no matter what culture, race, gender a person is, the want of the WILL is universal, that is the GOOD, and every man has a different vision of the good. A workaholic can response to the said statement as "Work is important than rest", a slacker can say "Rest is what I need, work can wait," no one has the right to judge both person's conception of good, but their different version of good will lead them to different actions, different consequences.

Hence, my commitment to anything is a choice, anything outside commitment does not invalidate commitment, it is probably the call of survival, and my will chooses to act upon that call, side by side with commitment, because I'm not a side by side creature of mind and body, I am a human, and to be human is to complex.

May I add her side-dish line "You can't convince anyone of your beliefs If you think like that, always universal, and you always use high-sounding words, you're not froshie"

I do hope as an "expert", she did encounter that thing called deduction. And by the way, I did not learn high-sounding words from class (In fact, I doubt having learned anything from class at all. Anyone who knows me during my college notoriety days would agree I spent more time perfecting my billard skills than learning expository writing), It's my version of layman. My only mistake was that I'm not exactly the queen of tact, I should have asked her to swallow a dictionary before conversing with me.

I truly am amaaazed how she thinks of her own pitfalls and tragic mistakes, was it her body or mind doing the work? *chuckles*

I remember these lines I offered myself during one sacred dedication I made for the old ones:

Now for a smart woman, she is unbelieveably dumb.

Temporal Death

2006-01-14T04:19:00.000+08:00

Having told someone the following lines kept me up all night:

"I lost my will to write since I began doing technical stuffs"

Turning my back on writing is synonymous to comitting betrayal against the one lone companion I keep duing my solitary walks.

I may have consciously backstabbed a number of souls before, but one thing nature's whispers taught me is that everything comes in full circle. Not having the heart to turn against writing is a good karma for all that writing has done for me. I could say 2005 ended with me reaping all the fruits of my viscious labor. With time and circumstance as mirrors that questions every pseudo-loyal friends, the "nice" people, the "glittering assholes" circling my social life, I am able to preserve the true gems of my existence, and discard, let go, of those less-deserving. Unlike some people who need to let go of anger to ease their somewhat frazzled lives, I needed anger to seat deep within.

I need it to teach me the purpose of its passing through. My soul knows when it's time for the anger to go, after it has painfully marked its legacy, timelessly dented within my being. Masochistic it isn't, clearly this styro-loving quickie generation does not fancy impenetrable scrutiny. Yeah, we have all heard of loving freedom, being carefree, living life and all that, but where does that leave you? Where does living free take you when you know at the back of your head that a human soul is never truly free from the bondage of its appetite?

I would rather each mortal chain speak to me wisdom that can, slowly, but painstakingly, set this soul free in its next travel. I love life, truly, My Sagittarian influence couldn't miss that, I love life and freedom, I am in love with life, I'm in love with its anger, its pain, its toils, I'm in love with its ugliness, for this is the time of my soul, this is the time it swells in fortitude.

This one recieved an email message from someone, probably an accidental reader (Disabled comments though, I don't need an audience feedback, but I like getting them, if they want), asking me how come I don't talk about makeup, or lipsticks, and all the "real" stuffs people deal with, and asked me If Im psychologically "healthy". I say this much, the human mind is a dichotomy of complexities, people are capable of anything, and "good" and "bad" (relative terms I believe, never adhered to both concepts)can exist side by side in one soul. I don't like to pretend that vanity and day jobs don't concern me, but thanks, I'd rather attend to my non-physical needs.

Besides, this is a journal, I have tons of friends I can talk to regarding trivial matters, when Im having quiet time here, I dont like makeup and thoughts of shopping to distract me.
I realized too, that I did not greet Happy New Year the usual folks who are in my sms list. Well, we do update machines, we update files, we surely can update people. If there's one truth about life people cerebrally know, but hate to understand and accept, it's that, It GOES ON.

Having said all that, I choose to continue the therapeutic (but definitely NOT narcissistic) habit of talking to myself, hence, journaling.

Image copyright goes to Jason Beam Studios. No part of the image is alterated except proportional resizing.

Thruthaphobic

2006-01-10T04:18:00.000+08:00

We all need a hard hit from the rock of your life. Last night, he just got his.

He said he wanted to cry his heart out, and that I hurt him terribly, that by saying what i just said, I ruin his life.

I did not hurt him, the truth hurt him. The hipocrisy of his dull folks had a pretty good influence on him that all of them, have developed a precisely accurate way of avoiding truth. They will rather float in the bubble of their religious bullshit, and scram away like some coward cat from the reality that they are a broken family 20 fucking years ago, that their sons hate their guts, that is the very reason they all would rather get married and make babies. Truth intimidates them, the truth that his cousin is a woman in flush, not virgin mary, is something unacceptable to him, to them. The result? pretty explosive! The cousin is "raped" by the boyfriend..rape huh? Why can't they just admit that she needs a good fuck to drain the bore out of her family's pleasanville facade!!!!!!!

No wonder he had such a caustic reaction to the truth I serve him, the kind of truth he already knows. We are savages with developed brains. Nothing is as good as the naked, raw, unadulterated piece of truth. I Bet he wants to kill me now.

Too late, I killed him first.

The Rippling Butterfly

2005-12-29T04:16:00.000+08:00

Of zillion negativity and semi-curse I half-heartedly directed towards him, this is the first result that sends my bone chilling.

He was diagnosed of Soriasis, a dysfunction of the liver, where it fails to filter out toxins and body wastes, resulting to embarassment and annoying infections, such as allergy reactions, boils, and dandruff of extreme proportions. They told him there is no cure for Soriasis, save probably, of course, detoxification (since Soriasis is a result of too much toxification, only dim witted dogs won't get this). I felt my head render unsuspected aches, and for a few minutes, dizzy confusion crept.

I did wish him to die, but only the hurtful ways of him. I am getting more than what I asked for, bummer. Love is an understatement, I breathe him.

The ill-trained dog from college yakked non-stop about her not needing financial pump, and her lack of it, and how she whines about being a phone monkey, with degradation and abasement to boot. Well, dumb bitches with an IQ of 50 don't really go far baby.

You should probably content yourself with "prettifying" your poor face, that is, If you can afford to. What a schmuck.

You remind me of wobbling nonesense...

Spiritually lusting

2005-12-10T04:15:00.000+08:00

Blessed Goddess, may you be
adored with the unity of two
physical opposites into one
entwined soul. God, may you be
adored with the benefic laying of
fertilising sap onto the sleepy
female seed. May the great sexual
act always remind me of the
cosmos' eternal cycle of life,
death, and rebirth. May all of
human coital act sing to me the
universal gift of birth, ...

as a path of not merely preserving
one's sacred specie, but a
physical monument of the cosmic
Mother's fertile caldron water of
life, of Selena's unquenchable
lust that keeps this loop coming
into full circle, decades and
ages even after my passing
through.

The lady moves aside her
veil, the universe sings to me
her songs of inspiration, the
dark, waning moon reveals to me
her secrets. So shall it be.

Lull Travel at 23

2005-11-20T04:14:00.000+08:00

It has only been few days since I bade my parental domain goodbye for a five-storey edifice-contained, tall vertical clearing parking space-embellished, 40 square-metered worth of independence, and I can almost taste the spine-wrapping, mind-bending ghost of isolation. Living a solitary life is nothing new to me as brushing my cat's tail, this unnerving vision of me walking the next twenty, maybe thirty,
years of this lifetime with the company of only my celestial teachers and percievable angels sends off a warm wave of assurance and calmness. Perhaps this
is all I wanted all along, the silent mar di gras of my solitude, a feast of quietness, a celebration of social Le morte. Very few human beings understand the genuine value of being alone. Solitude does not equate loneliness. If keeping the social paragons surrounding me means wearing suffocating suits of pleasantries and useless vulgarity, and as one monkey lacking ethics, education (Who loves the word kiddo like a female maniac who got free from a correctional
facility down south), and fomality says, "Ass-kissing", then I'd rather be dead with an axe plunged deep in my cranium.

To say you don't have a dark side is inarticulately farcical, and quite good for me, I don't have to exert an iota of effort to affirm that side. After 20 years of plaguing the world with my acid tongue and actions churned from obstruse, jaded, misunderstood, mystical, probably self-gratifying, but hidden causes, I am most fortunate to finally reap the finest fruits of my garden. I have the richest,
finest, most brillant and diverse persons as friends, and almost seven dream-like years with a man whose loyalty, dedication, and immortal love women can only
dream of. My hostile and hurtful ways of living my life definitely did cut some so-so friends off my spiral. I am not exactly wild about it, but it opened my mind to the true gifts of darkness. I can only appreciate light If I lay first under the helm of the dark. I do not regret a single moment, every decision, every enemy, and friend, I earned. I am, for the first real time, happy to be me.

To walk this earth with the physical body encapsulating my fragile soul is the hardest. I was, am, will never be, an easy person. The emotional and spiritual torture of living a life with me can be best attested by my Cancerian mother and Libran partner. As a child, my mother watched over me like a hawk, like her financial property awaiting maturity. Her austere, stoic, domineering facade reigned our entire home. Her love was hard, like cracking your head against a brick wall, but mine is harder. And for the first time, during my teens, I saw her shed a
tear, every drop that fell on her designer suit resounding a loud bell of victory to my ears, I have at last toppled down the empress. From that day, she gave up swinging me under her Cancerian wings, beneath her maternal folds, else she desires to drown. She never fails to remind me how 'evil' I am, and lately, she finally accepts her one unkind daughter will never be as fluid, as soft-spoken, as good-hearted as her other Piscean child. She learns to let go of her domain, and maybe, for the first time, I could spare a tear for my mother.

If there is one soul whose heart I shattered the most, it was my partner. No words can fittingly extrapolate the kind of tunnel we had to walk through to become the kind of oneness that we are now. He is the other split of my world, where no man has
yondered, he is the unfathomably deepest flame of my life, the hidden lock of my soul, we live in the other reality. Writing, talking about him takes so much of my strenght. I let fellow kindreds stand a living witnesses to our unspoken travel.

I shall not be likened to the rest of the world, celebrating mediocrity, splurging and eating at the slightest insignificant change in their mundane lives. I am now celebrating what others deem unacceptable, I drink, and toast, to the divine
inspiration of soltariness, to the ethereal confinement springing from both the light and the dark.

This overwhelming stupor may not pass, my senses are too tactile, feeling the thin air carrying me, weightless in a surreal neutrality of a spirit transiting into a noveau alley of the restless and listless. I am confronted by a strange drift,
everything I have worked for, all familiarities, all seem newfangled. Still, I stay, immobile, I choose to linger to this remarkable and detached reality, a reality palpable only to those who take time to listen to the self.

Credit goes to Annika Von Holdt

Darkened Glow

2005-11-10T04:14:00.000+08:00

The slowness of my breath betrays the palpitating heartbeat throbbing from my chest. The self chained behind the dark veil of secrecy beckons release. On the night of the Sun in the 12th House, all of Scorpio's potent girth soared beyond the temples of the sky. Lying still, within Lillith's cold and string embrace.

I surrendered, reclining, dissecting reason behind reasons, yielding to the solitary Mercury, brewing logic stripped of sensibility, I wandered within the empty space of suspension, my frail skin wounded against the rough ropes of questioning that beholds my fragile neck. The treacherous illusion slipped off the vessel of my human consciousness. The black burning wax accompanied the inconsolable anguish that flowed from the ebb of the black veil.

My weak hands lovingly traced the contour of her betrayal. The lines thin, the shadows formative, and the image resonates the incongruence of her thoughts. The palpable symmetry of her fake strength uncovers the abstract kaleidoscope of her stench.

Then my anger seared as a gushing water seeking vengeance against the riverbed. The incurable mockery sealed the doors of my escape from the lowest bends of the astral plane. As the shadow self collected its pieces, I lingered in the far end of the physical plane, helplessly smiting off the pangs of retaliation. The curse that lay on top of my cosmic dial woefully soiled my old soul, sloughed off the adaptive covers of my illusory stare.

And the black candle glowed; its tiny fire wrapped my melancholic grief. The will longs for poisoned Bronze spears to strike the existence out of her lovely contour. The waning moon smiled in empathy, lighting the long road to my justice.

Soliloquy of the Tears

2005-11-01T04:13:00.000+08:00

The bursting aroma of apple, pumpkin, and chrysanthemums filled the entire room, rendering the full woman in dizzy intoxication. The warm glow of the orange candles revive the dark space's monotony, and while she slowly traversed the quiet circle marked by hundreds of sea shells, the inquisitive cat friend kept chasing the sensual smoke from the burning Sage.

Down to her core, the pillar that stands for her soul, is the tallest, thickest Brown-Black pillar candle. Gleaming dark in an even darker room, filled with poisonous secrets and silent screams, and unfathomable depth, her Scorpion blueprint now surrounded by fragrants, petals, and shells.

On a hallows eve, she weeps, On a hallows eve, she skins her self alive, stripped, naked, vulnerable, channeling. Within the shiny stone is a vision of the self, of people, of the dead, of all unseen. With an invisible eye, she watched in pain the low whispers of the small, shiny stone, voices of the self she had never known before, obscure figment that is slowly carrying her to a clearer path in searching for her. On a cross-quarter night, all her silence broke, all of unspeakables surrendered to the fulcrum of a most defeaning stillness. Silence, for twenty years, is but a mere soliloquy of the tears.

Let the dark veil between Her and the guardians dissipate, let it all be known unto her, let the incubus and succubus of the night bow down to her anger.

Mortem

2005-10-31T04:00:00.000+08:00

The sodden fragrance of your sweat intermittently wallows all my lost innocence and childhood. The silent anger of your passion breaks the cold spell girdled around my lies.
Your gaze is a cemetery of quartz that mirrors the nakedness of your heart.

Closet Morons and All That Crouches (And cuss words that flood)

2005-10-01T02:59:00.000+08:00

Let me let out a gesture I've long been waiting to do before I begin...

There.

There's this dirty biatch who has been stalking on one of my social networking accounts. Come on, I don't pick on small things, I can't even make a big deal out of others who have been viewing me, but this moron's latest actions are enough to make me throw up bile all day :D

I've never seen someone so insecure, with every word and act dripping with bitterness. Someone who publicly announced extreme "loathe" against me, some stuck-in-mud imbecile, despite the three-year gap between now and the day I banished them, would still waste blog entries, hours of conversation (with fellow idiots), and by gawd, even track updates on my obviously paramount, smooth-sailing career, probably because my life is interesting, or maybe, because they don't have one at all :D

I always thought I would curse the poor sob, but then again, there's no need for cursing when airheads obliterated reality with too much self confidence that's definitely unmerited. Worse, the dog even claimed my writing style is akin to that piece of shit (If you call unguarded literary junk stylish, that is). So gone with that hate and all, and my expulsion from the idiot's pool (When I avoided, then eventually left first, then I keep forgetting, subtlety is not a fad for ill-mannered lowlives whose logical perception is too slow even for a crippled hog).

As everyone knows, moronic dogs don't go anywhere after college, let me reinstate that position : YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE AFTER COLLEGE. It must be frustrating for you, after several years, your sorry ass still cannot make it a fig closer to the media industry, and then finding out your best enemy is effortlessly shaping the top television station in the country, making money with an amount you can never have even in your 10 degenerate lives put together, juggling writing jobs over another, and when your best enemy gets tired of the media's toxicity, she settles for a sleek IT-inclined career that pays her for her dazzling IQ. Too bad, for someone who shares with me the same Sun sign, you are doomed to spend this lifetime in a most degenerate, mundane way possible, Whereas your enemy is climbing the way up to realizing her highest self, with much Scorpion intensity, the same ardor that pulls you down the drain of obstinate mediocrity. Journalist, eh? Where's the byline, idiot?

I'm not usually the type who will blog about foes, I hate wasting energy writing about those undeserving of my attention, but as of late, someone who claims to "loathe" me, and has me cut off, isn't exactly cutting attention off me hahaha! What's with the stalking, I wonder? to find out what kind of a failure that gargoyle is in comparison to my success? Sometimes, even dogs become full of themselves, you must be psychotically envious deep inside..oh wait, I just read that private email that says:

Why? why? Excuse me why I hang myself on a tight rope

Now, I wonder, too, why the lowlife is still alive?!! Seriously, I am laughing like mad while reading that email message. never came to you that I have ways of getting into your accounts? What a truly stupid dog.

And there you are, crouched behind your laptop, egging "unforgiveables" to someone who wouldn't risk a single dermial tissue getting wrinkled for dirty bitches. Try learning to get that bit into your pea-sized brain for a change.

Something hidden, something Pretty

On my way home, I passed through Bread Talk's cutesy baskets, and there's one peculiar varant I'm glad I tried, Crouching Tiger, Hidden bacon, yeah, it has bacon strips hidden under the yummy crust, I just had to horde those and have The Lawyer taste it!!!

Something pretty happened when I least expect it, what a wonderful way for nature to balance itself out. My cameo appearance before my best buds just prior to Cine Europa made me realize just how much I missed them. I spend too much time for myself (and my cat), and it doesn't help that work takes too much of my break. That nature trip we have been planning, I pray, won't tip. As announced, Im supposed to take one training (that's usually offered to engineers) for the entire months of October and November. I jokingly said 'Guys, when I become an antivirus engineer, I will have more time to meet you'. I hope Im not being into one of those traits I have that would say anything to soothe things, I really would kill to spend time with them.

Crumbling Wall

2005-09-26T02:58:00.000+08:00

Im glad, in fact, too glad that I bought my brat of a cat new cat biscuits for his biting pleasure. After 4 grueling months of exhausting behavior-reinforcement "training", my cat has somehow developed minute social skills- an enormous achievement for my small son. That was tested few hours ago when my beau was able to leave our place without 'feline-oriented' scratches on his hands. During his visit to the doctor, he surprisingly gave in to the lady doctor's gentle touch, and meekly surrendered to the painful needle, he gave out a low cry, but that was it. No violent jumping off the tables, no harassing of other pets, vey tamed. My labor of love has paid off, and this lazy Sunday afternoon, when beau entered our front door, the cat semi-readied himself to sport that attack position again, but I notice his gazes are less violent, and later on, he ended up lying on top of his favorite chair, still staring, but no longer scratching the stranger. And although he cut off almost 3 hours of my sleeping hours, Id never trade those evenings of late-night dinners and midnight snacks with my cat, him munching Gonuts Donuts dough nut (Weird, but yeah, he loves Gonuts Donuts), and I on some extra-spicy taco. Considering my eternally-lapsing memory, I don't know how long I can be able to hold on to a memory of an old pet when I'm 45, but there's something in his quiet kindness and comfort tells me this lifetime won't be the last for us.

Just few nights ago, with the Legalese soundly snoring and asleep, I decided to check the study and catalogue his books according to his schedule, then I saw a cheap-looking spiral notebook pressed in between the thick law books. I never saw that notebook before, I know just every piece of his school stuffs, as well as those he uses for paralegal research in his dad's firm. Unorganized, hardly-legible, blotchy scribbles stumbled upon me. I feel nauseated, as if some side of a man you've been with for almost seven years suddenly appeared before you. His notes are well-written, too technical, but well-written. The notebooks themselves are clean, It may be too unimportant, but for someone as acid, obsessive-compulsive, and as critical as I, a piece of dirty notebook would suffice a provocation for a day-long argument.

Got that right, I didn't wait for him to wash the smoky sleep cobwebs off, I darted at him at the strike of the Blessed Sun's first ray. Then I learned the clean notes are for reviews only, what keeps his well-digested lessons intact are the scribbles from that dirty notebook. The external suavity and fine taste, and Unmarred physical extension needs someting sub-standard to remain such. Reminds me, no one can claim a stage in a pedestal without getting their hands dirty first.I overlooked the not-so-fine things he needed because I only saw the crispy folders, the spotless desk, the husky leather chairs, the high grades, the perfectly- covered books.

Not that I'm comparing cats with men, neither are the earlier same with the latter, but things, and people I care about so much are somehow vulnerable and naked to my antennae. The precious jewels of my current existence appear like open wounds, and, obviously, while its apparent that, considering the accusing eyes I view the world with, I have very few of these jewels, somehow, I am running out of speed in keeping up with the demands of my beloved. I used to be the one who drowns them with my life-sucking whines, now, I feel dried up, with their great needs my watery reservoir may not suffice. Unusual.

Post-anxiety muse

2005-09-22T02:58:00.000+08:00

It took most of us many years to step out of the social and emotional dirt unsuspecting lesser beings held us, and for her all it takes is one day to throw all optimistic possibilities to the wind. I was apprehensive about meeting him the first time I heard his story, and when I finally got to see him, I knew my womanly instincts were correct. I have always known he would never grasp the profound depth of her mind, the acute purpose behind her every reasoning, the logic behind her meticulous criticism. Yet, it is too unkind to deny your twin soul the fleeting pleasure his little stance can give her. She never lies to me, even her silence can't mask the inconsolable grief and sadness due by her eternal curse of catering to her search for purpose. I know her all too well, our souls are connected in an other-worldly bond only a soul's blueprint can truly attest. And now, it must be great comfort to tell herself that this could be the best time to finally take care of herself. Maybe, but I know better, I see beyond the bland numbness of her peaceful composure, her internal deluge is slowly drowining her, and although it may not be my responsibility, I see it my noble purpose to be her comfort.

We go to great lengths just to achieve our goals. Everyone is viscious in taking any risk to take that ultimate prize we set for ourselves, but what happens when we're too close to the sordid details of the present that we loose sight of that prize? She probably is the best shopping companion her knack for good taste is exquisite, her impeccable writing drives me to side-splitting laughs, she is a woman of many things, I do hope she, one day, can choose the kind of prize she wants for herself, for amidst her gay and light facade, I taste the confusion. I know her all too well, and for her, it will be a long and painful road to self-discovery.

This is a tribute to the great women of my life, in your failures, I find purpose, in your happiness, I find success.

Work what?

If only old college pals would see me (include the enemies), their jaws might drop in finding the kind of career I am actually pursuing. Im sure Ange would ascertain 'you are truly a computer geek, get out of journalism!'. Geek or not, I must have that spirit of geeklust deep inside, for truly, who needs to study Journalism to be able to learn how to write? You don't enter Journalism to learn writing, you take Journalism under the assumption that you know how to write, and you're ready to knock others in your class out by a serious battle of 'writer's ego'. Half of what I know about writing are taught by mentors in the publication, and although these mentors hate my guts for cutting classes almost every other day hahaha, I'm still glad I did take a risk roaming the sleazy metro during police beat times, crashing celebrity funerals, or eating Enilagang baka for lunch after feasting your eyes on chopped heads from a crime beat.
The virtual world is my drug, I may as well make it professional.

Oracleclan PH and La Luna Isis is pround to present ALIBATA, Oracle, stones, bones, etc., a New Age pagan acoustic night raised for the benefit of PAWS. And My! It will be held next to my favorite Vegetarian restaurant! I can'y wait to meet fellow gentle souls.

Sphere

2005-08-03T02:57:00.000+08:00

Im taking it slow, and Im loving it, just had the grandest three-day retreat from work, just in the perfect timing, back in the old days, I would call it positive accidents. I almost can't remember the other self that dies at every 5-second idleness. Now, I take ultimate delight in every idle moment I have.

It sometimes feels unimaginable how someone so restless suddenly notices facets of her complex character that knows to love details, probe deeper than the figures and tables she's trained to read, and appreciate that sometimes, the most incalculable things rewards her the most. Save Desperate Housewives, of course, I think I finished all episodes over a two-day marathon.

This is a moment I give myself as a gift, I am alone, I am in solitude, and I am most happy. Whenever the world makes someone feel naked and exposed, the best retreat is still the self. (How many times did i use the word feel?, I'm one watery hole). There may be power in numbers, yet no legions of warriors can possibly bleed a blazing spirit dry. A soul who knows the drowning ang burning she has to endure in exchange for that ultimate price, that can and will, ultimately, walk her back to herself, is akin to an ancient stone, strong, defiant, unmoving. To a human who walks through the path of her earth, and dances with her fire, the test of time and circumstance is but mere adornment to an already-fulfilled and blessed life. This is what August teaches me, we harvest what we consciously planted, and often, in the garden of life, those that outlived its purpose must be rooted out, and thrown, to give rom for new blessings. Luckily for me, those I treasure the most will always find its way of staying.

Tryst

2005-06-15T02:56:00.000+08:00

Boris Vallejo 1987

We cannot love only the light The stars burn in the night sky and I, Woman, Shelter the womb's dark mystery at the spiral's end

My heart is a devotion of secrets, my life is a fountain of unspeakables. I walk this earth with my shadow cast upon those which must remain hidden. The scorpion veil covers the chains that locks the vault of my spirit. In this journey of fiery transformation, my moments are filmic events, and in every scene that unfolds, I burn. I am dying, and living, with every core and skin that melts. Flame extinguishes, turning people and memories to ashes, but flame cleanses, purifies, turning a useless alloy into the finest treasure. Stone, fire, water, air, and stars, they all gather to witness my passing through. slowly, beautifully, paving the way to regeneration.

Until my continuance of spirit, when I escape my mortal body, I take with me the balls and chains of mystery, still, unmoved, unspoken.

My mind is an astral magnet, where footprints and wounds hide. Your male platform fall short of my walls. You may choose to surround my labyrinth with your poisoned arrows and breastful of flattery side by side, but I am, I live on , I flow with the ebb and heart of my wind, and soar. I am the keeper of my shrine, where no man has touched and seen. You may feed the thorns with your flambuoyant promises and blind yourself with hopes, but I heed the whimpers of your heart, and I listen as it speaks of truth, truth beyond the kind fashion.

You were my cosmic union, my sleeping mortal, the breaking firmament, but at this cycle of awakening, I pray you, depart, and allow my bleeding death, life, and rebirth.

Existential Carousel

2005-06-09T02:55:00.000+08:00

We did play the rounds, back in our early days. Two unsuspecting strangers from literature class, Horus saw me fall down the dripping water of dismay when the first time he told me 'My poems are my tears', I was performing my own balancing act in a juggernaut of 40 diverse backgrounds, character, personas. It didn't take too long before we became constant lunch partners, org mates, and the ultimate joint between Horus and the 'beloved'.

Then Rachel happened. Yes, she was more than a person, she is an event, that put asunder the smooth mill between Horus and Me. Extraordinarily, the catalyst is nothing related to, jealousy, or anything romantic. It as pure hatred, hatred beyond comprehension. The sting was too strong even at the time of Rachel and I's stint in the bloody broadsheets and sleazy media rigmarole, consternation and bitterness escaped his mouth. Against, word, against Rachel, against beliefs.

As All three of us decided to part ways. Suffice to say, it was a relief for Horus that Rachel found her own place, away from him.

It was a three year-wall until I met him again. Last night, I almost couldn't recognize his exterior facade. The unruly, long hair that used to be fadish and well-tucked, the aging lips, sign of heavy smoking and Lady-knows-what-else. Only this time, the world is our stage, he takes the stage, I take the front seat audience. I sat, hearing the glaring sound of his electric guitar, the audio chiarroscuro of both noise and music, the screaming fans, the weight-plummeted teens baring their all for a glimpse. I sat still, hearing but not listening.

After a torturous five hours, he came to me, took my hotel room number, and volunteered to accompany me find my interview subject in South Drive. He tells his story, of his lonely five-year stay in Baguio, the women, the band, the poetry, the struggle in finding a publisher, and then Rachel.

Are you still mad at her, I braved. Not anymore, in the same way that my madness faded, madness to persons, my obsessions have gone., he said.

It has been years, and I ache to avoid conversations leaning on the hidden prisms of our obscure 'friendship'. One single night, the truth becomes naked again.

This line from a song made by artist Incubus is candy to my ears lately:

You saw me lost and treading water
I looked helpless as a stinger without A bee

But underneath my presentation, I know the walls were coming down
And the stones that fell were aiming away From me

What would it mean to you to know that it'll come back around again?
Whatever it means to you, know that everything moves in circles

I saw you standing in my headlights, you thought I'd run you down for the weight
You left on me

Instead I pushed rewind reversed and drove away
And seeing you disappear in my rearview brought me to the word
'reciprocity!'

If there's one thing that keeps me up after zillions of virus reports from work, its the falling gesture of your bosses, definitely, side-splitting LOL
After days of spending heavenly weekend with my beau in a resort, we came up with a gospel that must be spread quickly to our 'mates who followed the footsteps of a flaming idiot: Life is good, you should get one.